Things That Have Really Happened To Me

I played the clarinet all through school.  I started in the 5th grade.  One time in my private lesson when I was in the 6th grade, I had a headcold and was pretty stuffed up.  My woodwind teacher was a funny guy and while I was playing he said something and it made me laugh.  But because I had the clarinet in my mouth, I laughed out my nose.  A huge green snot shot out of my nose.  I was so embarassed I sniffed it back up right away hoping he didn't notice.  I realized he did notice as soon as he said, "Well hello there!"

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A while back (maybe 6-8 years ago?) I was going to my great aunts 85th birthday party.  I realized I should at least get her a card, so I stopped at Walmart on my way to the party.  I was reading cards and laughing at the thought of giving them to my 85 year old great aunt.  Suddenly this black guy came running around the corner holding 2 cans of tomato soup in each hand.  I jumped because he startled me and he said all out of breath-like, "Are you the girl who's laughing?"  I was like, "I was laughing, yes...why?"  He said, "Any girl with a laugh like that, I have got to meet!"  Mind you I was BY MYSELF laughing at birthday cards.  We introduced ourselves and he read a bunch of cards with me and we laughed together until I found the right card.  Then I left.

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When I was 12 my family went to Wisconsin Dells.  I had this bright yellow bathing suit that was too big for me so my mom folded the straps over and sewed them down and every year she'd let it out a little bit.  Everyone was laying on these lounge chairs resting after walking around the park all day.  I went and stood under this large mushroom shaped thing that had water pouring around the edges of it.  I was just standing there, letting the water run over me, when suddenly my Aunt Donna looked over towards me and started laughing hysterically and pointing.  I turned to see what was so funny, but I couldn't see anything.  My dad sat up to see what she was laughing at, except instead of laughing he had this look of horror on his face and came running towards me.  I didn't understand why until he reached down and pulled my too big bathing suit up from my ankles and helped me get it back on.  Curse that mushroom rushing water thing.

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A few years ago I came home from work and was in a big rush to get to my friend Adam's house for a taco dinner.  It is important for you to know that I was wearing a black cotton skirt.  I came home, took a quick shower, picked my black cotton skirt back up off the floor and put it on, finished getting ready and ran out the door.  I had to stop at the store for tortilla chips, and I noticed a lot of people looking at me.  I thought I must be looking dang good and felt really confident and flattered.  I finally got to Adam's and we were sitting around talking waiting for everyone else to show up.  I got up to get a cup of water and as I got to the kitchen I heard him yell, "why do you have a big white sticker on your butt?"  I replied, "What?  No I don't!"  I spun my skirt around to look at the back of it, and much to my horror I realized that it wasn't a bit white sticker, but a pantyliner!  I ran into the bathroom and peeled it off my skirt and threw it away.  As I was about to go back out to the kitchen, it dawned on me that that was the reason everyone in the store was staring at me!  I was THAT girl that everyone wanted to say something to but didn't know how!!!  I felt my face go red.  I went back in to the living room and sat back on the couch, staring straight ahead.  Adam said, "I thought you were getting some water?"  I said, "oh yeah" and got back up.  I suddenly just started laughing hysterically, I couldn't help it!  He just looked at me like I was crazy.  I managed go squeak out, "Adam, that wasn't a sticker on my skirt, it was a feminine product, and I went to the grocery store like that!"  We were dying of laughter.  I still to this day have no idea how that got on my skirt.

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In the 7th grade I didn't have a backpack, but I did have a lot of books.  My school was very crowded, especially between classes on the stairwell.  And I would have my arms fully extended carrying about 10 books or so going up these stairs.  This one day, I was going up these very crowded stairs holding all my books when I realized that the guy in front of me was the guy I'd had a huge crush on since the 3rd grade.  So instead of paying attention to the stairs, I was staring at his butt because it was right in front of my face.  On the second to last stair, I didn't lift my foot quite high enough and my I threw my arms straight up in the air, books went flying everywhere, I was grasping for anything I could, ended up grabbing this guy that I liked and we went tumbling down the stairway together bowling down everyone else on the stairs.  He never really talked to me before that happened, but he especially didn't talk to me after that happened.

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I'm sure there are more stories like these to come...