Sunday, February 27, 2011

God Made Dirt & Dirt Don't Hurt

Today my friend Mary Elizabeth told me she loves my blog so much that I could write about dirt and she'd find it fascinating.  While flattered, I told her that this New Year's Resolution of updating the blog once a week has become more challenging than I anticipated.  I mean come on, once a week something worth writing about should happen or occur to me, right?  Wrong.  So I'm taking her up on the challenge; I am going to write about dirt.

~*~

When I was a kid I was a pretty big tomboy.  No, that's not accurate.  When I think of a tomboy I think sports.  I've never been a sporty girl.  I was, however, a tough girl.  All of my free time was spent outside.  If I wasn't at school or doing some chore inside, I was out there.  I was the only girl in my neighborhood my age, but there were lots of boys.  Having 2 brothers, I became the girl in the sea of boys.  I'd race my bike with them, play Ghost in the Graveyard with them, climb trees with them, pretty much whatever the boys were doing I was doing.  But this is a story about dirt, so let's move along.

The place you could find me most often was in my neighbor Virginia's garden.  Virginia was my grama's age and she had a nice big flower garden all along the side and back of her house.  None of the houses in my neighborhood had fences, so it was like one huge yard behind all our houses.  Virginia's garden was lined with bricks, some that were so deep into the ground you'd barely notice them.  She didn't mind me poking around in there as long as I put everything back the way she had it.  In fact, she kept a brown grocery bag on her back porch full of peanuts for all us neighborhood kids to snack on.

My favorite thing was digging up those bricks and finding the bugs underneath.  My mom would save all the jars from mayonnaise, jelly, jalapeno peppers anything that was glass and had a lid was reserved for me.  She'd take a hammer and steak knife and punch holes through the lids and then put them in the pantry.  I would then take them as needed.  I'd usually take as many as I could outside with me and then the digging would begin.

I'd spend hours overturning those bricks.  I'd start in the front of the house, work my way up the side and end at the back where I'd pop a couple of peanuts and go back to the begining and do it again.  Usually I'd find mostly worms and potato bugs.  But my absolute favorite was when I'd slowly pick up a brick and there would be a huge beetle!  My heart would always beat wildly with anticipation as I'd loosen the brick from the earth and sloooowly pick it up so as not to disturb whatever was living underneath it. 

I was a bug girl for sure.  I loved them.  I had jars lining my bedroom full of them.  My dad had some bug books that he gave me and I would study them.  When I'd find a new bug I would read up on it so I could care for it while it shared my room with me.  Did you know bugs have certain smells?  Depending on the bugs, my room had a certain buggy scent.  But I even loved that. 

May & June where my favorite bug months because that was when the junebugs where out.  Every year I would catch the biggest one I could find and give it fresh maple leaves daily.  I wasn't too clever in naming them, because every year the one I'd keep would be named, appropriately, June.

You'd have been hard pressed to find a day when I didn't have dirt under my nails, on my face, in my hair or on my clothes.  I bent plenty of kitchen spoons attempting to reach the bugs that would go down their hole before I could snatch them up. 

Every year I had a Bug Zoo on our sunporch.  I would line all my bug's up, write up little cards with descriptions of the bug such as it's name, what it ate, it's lifeline and any interesting facts.  I'd charge all the neighborhood kids whatever coins they had to get in.  It was a constant rotation of bugs.  At the end of the summer, we'd all go to the corner store and buy tons of candy with the dollars I'd made over the season.

I once made a worm farm.  All you need for a worm farm is a large mayonnaise jar and a smaller jar that fits inside it.  Fill the space between the two jars with dirt and add worms.  Keep the dirt wet, but not too wet, and soon you'll have baby worms crawling around in there like you wouldn't believe.  My worm farm was at it's peak when it disappeared.  I was wrecked.  All my baby worms and mom and dad worms were going to shrivel up and die!  To this day I have no clue where that worm farm went, but I have a hunch my mom had something to do with it.

The reason I think she had something to do with that was because of this--my most prized possession was my caterpillar brain.  And sure, maybe it wasn't so much a brain as it was a skull or something like a skull, but it fascinated me.  I kept it in my top dresser drawer right next to my prized troll with hot pink hair.  That also disappeared.  My mom did tell me she threw that one out, but she claimed it was an accident.  I was hysterical for weeks after that.

Dirt was a constant part of my childhood.  I wore it proudly.  And to this day, there is something about being out in the yard gardening that makes a part of me come alive.  Especially when I see a bug crawling around in the dirt.  Suddenly I find that I'm not a 32 year old woman who works a professional job and has bills and responsibilities, but I am an 8 year old girl lost in a world that is never as far away as it feels.




Saturday, February 19, 2011

The Whole Truth (And Nothing But)

I am going to tell you something that not too many people know. Every since I was fifteen, I have dealt with an anxiety disorder. I don't necessarily like to say, “I have an anxiety disorder” so much as “I sometimes have a hard time in life like everyone else”. But the truth of the matter is that I have been diagnosed by more than one doctor with this quote, unquote, disorder. I have been on all sorts of medications for the majority of my life trying to control it.

 
The funny thing about being a Christian with this, is that it's hard to talk about. In the Bible it's clearly stated that so much of our battle is in the mind. How then do you explain that it's not a normal battle to deal with anxiety in this way? If I were iron deficient, nobody would think twice if I took an iron pill daily. My body is deficient, in it's serotonin production. I take a daily serotonin pill. It's not that big of deal to me.

 

Moving away from the tricky part, I mainly wanted to talk about my personal experiences. One reason I genuinely feel grateful for this “disorder”, is that I know how much I need God to show up in my every day life. There are literally days when as I'm driving to work or wherever, I am crying out to God that if He doesn't make Himself known to me there is no way I will be able to get through the day. My body will physically and mentally begin to shut down if He doesn't see me through it. While days like that are not what I would call fun, they are extremely rewarding in knowing Him in every moment of my day. Of knowing His peace that surpasses all human understanding guards my heart and mind through His Son, Christ Jesus. At the risk of sounding super cheesy, it is through the lowest lows of this “disorder” that I have come to truly know Him intimately.

 
I have had a good long run of not dealing with anxiety on a regular basis. I chalk this up to God's grace, faithfulness, mercy; wisdom He's given to man to create medications; and a very small amount of credit I give to the tricks I've learned along the way. However, this past December there began a shift. I started noticing anxiety popping up quite a bit. Since then, it's increased even more, to almost a daily basis again of having to battle this thing. I have been considering what's changed. Nothing has changed physically, so that just leaves the spiritual.

 
On this past November 14th, there was a combined meeting. (I attend Living Light Christian Church, and there are three congregations, one in Kenosha, one in Racine and one in Pleasant Prairie and about once a quarter we all have a big Sunday meeting together.) Two prophetic words came that I just knew were hugely significant for me and where I was at in life. The basic gist of them was God is doing a work in us, adding layer upon layer and embellishments like a piece of clothing and as you feel the needle go through know that it's Him adding layer up on layer and to look to Him and to trust Him. The other was that God is not just going to do a patch job, but that He's going to open and expose the rotting, weak parts of ourselves and tear them away, reinforce them and build them up stronger. Like I said, I knew these were specifically for me and as they were brought I just stood there, hands in the air, tears running down my face, heart fully surrendered.

 
I knew that one area of my life that He was addressing was my obedience to Him in bringing prophetic words in a corporate setting, songs in particular. For years He has given me songs to sing over His Church and for years I have cowered away. Sure, there were times when I would bring things, but not with the consistency with which He was speaking to me. I made a decision then to share whatever He gave me from then on, no matter what. So I do. And it's been great and amazing to see Him use me in this way. I love how in me simply being obedient, He blesses his people. I'm sure I will reach a point where it is simply second nature for me to bring His Word, but until it does, I am simply choosing obedience to Him.

 
What does all this have to do with the recent anxiety flare up you ask? I'll tell you. I have an enemy. And he is not an original enemy. He only has his same old tricks to pull out of his measly little bag. I believe that this “unexplainable” surge in my anxiety levels are nothing other than him trying to silence me and shut me down from bringing what the Lord is saying to me. And I'm none too happy about it. So I fight. Whether or not I win this battle, in the grand scheme of the war He wins, and therefore so do I. So if I have days of defeat, glory to God. And if I have days of victory, all the more glory to God!

 
These are truths I always know are true, no matter what state my physical mind is in. And even though I might not be able to go to a big work party (like the one I'm skipping tonight), I am victorious in Him. And His grace is sufficient for me. He truly is my everything. I love Him so much this physical body cannot express it or hold it.

 
So if in His grace and goodness He has hand-chosen me for this battle, I am all in.



Your Love Is Strong
by The Spark

 
I was lost within a hopeless life
I was blinded by a darkness
I could not fight
Then You took the scales off my eyes
Your love is strong

My ransom paid on Calvary
You were hung on a tree
that all the while was meant for me
Death broken in Your victory
Your love is strong

 
Amazing love
How can it be?
You chose to come and
give Your life for me
Amazing grace
Such awesome power!
Spirit come set this heart on fire

 

Through the cross You have made a way
You have carried all my burdens
and broken every chain
You've taken all my sin and shame
Your love is strong

Now You have caused my heart to sing

and I will come boldly
and worship at Your feet
Your Spirit now alive in me
Your love is strong


Amazing love
How can it be?
You chose to come
and give your life for me
Amazing grace
Such awesome power!
Spirit come set this heart on fire

 
Your love is strong enough to save
Your love
is more than enough for me
Your love
nothing can separate me from you

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Something About My Real Life

I am in a writer's group called Solace. It is currently comprised of myself, Lauren, Sarah and Mary Elizabeth. We meet weekly and give ourselves homework. This week Sarah said, “Why don't we all write a blog entry about something about our life?”. To which I quickly replied, “Why? What are we all currently blogging about?”. 
 
But I get the point.

Unlike privately keeping a journal, in a blog you can paint yourself any which way you please. Instead of baring your soul and letting all the ugly out, you can write about butterflies and daffodils and the witty things you said at work. In thinking about this, I was reminded of a list (more like a stream of consciousness really) that I wrote in high school. It was simply titled “I Will Always...” and it listed a ton of things that I thought at the time I would always do. I came across this a while ago and smiled at that young girl. What was amazing though, was that I still do the majority of things on that list. I will have to look for it and post it on here in the near future. For now though, I thought maybe I would write a new one. Looking back on that list was like a time capsule of my 16 year old self. Why not time capsule my 32 year old self too? And that way maybe you can get a snippet into who I really am, on a day to day basis.

I Will Always...

Love the color orange above all others. Love the idea of being an amazing gardener, even if I'm only a mildly okay one. Love rice in my tomato soup. Prefer tea over coffee, but rarely turn down either. Secretly really like the color pink. Prefer to have my nails painted. Put cheap gas in my car. Love the scent of rain, lavender and cinnamon. Love mangoes. Favor being barefoot. Wear my heart on my sleeve. Be partial to my rose colored glasses. Love the sunshine. Love rainy days. Keep the radio on if my favorite song's playing, no matter how staticky it gets. Dream big. Lose myself in books and movies. Love Jesus more than any man. Love my nephews like they were my own. Be partial to the “small” forks and the “big” spoons. Have music playing. Wish people didn't put up walls (myself included). Long for home, even though that childhood place has been gone for close to two decades now. Want a dog. Heck, even a cat would work. Be somewhat messy. Love long drives on warm summer nights. Be a loud laugher. Secretly laugh to myself at everyday life occurrences, especially those which only I notice. Really, honestly, genuinely love life (the good and the bad). Love crisp autumn mornings. Consider my childhood best friend my best friend. Love hats, even if I don't look very good in them. Wish for an art room dedicated to only my multitude of hobbies. Play the music in my car a little too loudly. Dance like I don't know what I'm doing (because I don't). Love wintertime. Be vulnerable. Be real. Be full of joy.

The Chronicles Of My Embarrassment

I do not have an awkward meter, per se. While most people (I'm told) can feel awkward or embarrassed on a regular basis, I can pretty much count on one hand how many times I've actually felt that way. People are always talking about things being “like so awkward” or “super embarrassing” and I have a hard time relating to that. Even when they tell me the story of why they felt that way, I cannot see any reason to feel that way. I love this about myself.

 
I'm not sure why I don't have this meter. Don't get me wrong, I've definitely felt embarrassed before, however it's only ever been by my own doing. I don't really get embarrassed because someone made me embarrassed, only when I do it to myself. And even then it is very rare. I could recount my tales of embarrassment to you, and I almost want to say the average human would not be able to physically handle the level of which I embarrass myself. Not that I think I'm high and mighty in any way, it's just the truth of the matter. The faces of my friends and coworkers when I tell them how I've embarrassed myself tell me that they themselves could not have moved on from such a situation.

 

This is a funny thing for me to write about because to me it seems like a non-issue. It's not something I deal with, or ever have dealt with really. But it fascinates people. How can someone not hardly ever feel embarrassed, they wonder. I do not have the answer to that. But for your entertainment, I will share a few stories. Some of them have already been shared on this blog, but it's been a long time now, so I feel fine to share them again.

 

I present to you, The Chronicles Of My Embarrassment:

 
-Episode One-

 
When I was 12 my family went to Wisconsin Dells. I had this bright yellow bathing suit that was too big for me so my mom folded the straps over and sewed them down and every year she'd let it out a little bit. Everyone was laying on these lounge chairs resting after walking around the park all day. I went and stood under this large mushroom shaped thing that had water pouring around the edges of it. I was just standing there, letting the water run over me, when suddenly my Aunt Donna looked over towards me and started laughing hysterically and pointing. I turned to see what was so funny, but I couldn't see anything. My dad sat up to see what she was laughing at, except instead of laughing he had this look of horror on his face and came running towards me. I didn't understand why until he reached down and pulled my too big bathing suit up from my ankles and helped me get it back on. Curse that mushroom rushing water thing.


-Episode Two-

A few years ago I came home from work and was in a big rush to get to my friend Adam's house for a taco dinner. It is important for you to know that I was wearing a black cotton skirt. I came home, took a quick shower, picked my black cotton skirt back up off the floor and put it on, finished getting ready and ran out the door. I had to stop at the store for tortilla chips, and I noticed a lot of people looking at me. I thought I must be looking dang good and felt really confident and flattered. I finally got to Adam's and we were sitting around talking waiting for everyone else to show up. I got up to get a cup of water and as I got to the kitchen I heard him yell, "why do you have a big white sticker on your butt?" I replied, "What? No I don't!" I spun my skirt around to look at the back of it, and much to my horror I realized that it wasn't a bit white sticker, but a pantyliner! I ran into the bathroom and peeled it off my skirt and threw it away. As I was about to go back out to the kitchen, it dawned on me that that was the reason everyone in the store was staring at me! I was THAT girl that everyone wanted to say something to but didn't know how! I felt my face go red. I went back in to the living room and sat back on the couch, staring straight ahead. Adam said, "I thought you were getting some water?" I said, "oh yeah" and got back up. I suddenly just started laughing hysterically, I couldn't help it! He just looked at me like I was crazy. I managed go squeak out, "Adam, that wasn't a sticker on my skirt, it was a feminine product, and I went to the grocery store like that!" We were dying of laughter. I still to this day have no idea how that got on my skirt.



-Episode Three-



Before this story begins you need to know that I have two brothers, one named Luke and one named John. You also need to know that for John's entire life Luke and I have called him 'huge'. I'm not sure why exactly, but I think it's something to do with the size of his head as a child. Moving on...



This past New Year's Day I went to my cousins house for a big family dinner. Afterward when everyone but me had left, I asked her and her husband if they knew any guys they could potentially set me up with. They said they did and invited me round the next day to watch the game (ie, the Packer game, is there any other??). The next day I went round and the moment I walked in the door I knew that this was not the man for me. But you can never meet too many people or have too many friends so I stuck around. We laughed, we talked, we watched the game. Normal stuff. Except for my family who apparently lack any and all sense of appropriateness in a “setting someone up” situation. When I first got there, after I met John, I took off my coat and said I needed to use the bathroom (which I did). After I came back from the bathroom, my entire family had moved around in order that I had to sit next to John on the loveseat. At one point John asked if my cousin could make coffee to which my aunt replied, “Coffee?! Sarah loves coffee!”. I shot her a menacing glance and said, “Yeah, who doesn't?”. So this went on throughout the entire game (which we won, by the way). Also, this guy John was actually pretty funny. He had recently lost 100lbs, which is awesome! He and my aunt talked about this and how he did it for almost the entire length of the game. After we won, I started to put on my coat and my cousin said, “You can't leave, we're going to play Apples to Apples!”. So I stayed. Heck, I love that game! We had played a few rounds when the word 'huge' came up. Everyone threw their cards in and as we were waiting for my aunt to figure out which card best fit with 'huge', I suddenly started laughing. And out of my mouth came the words, “Oh man! Too bad I didn't have a card that said John!”. I laughed ridiculously loud. I realized no one else was laughing and slowly looked up from my cards as to why. Everyone, and I mean all of my crazy family, were staring at me with looks of horror, humor and distress upon their faces. Out of the corner of my eye I see the guy (who had just talked for over 3 hours about losing 100lbs) turn his head towards me. It was at that moment that I remembered his name was John. As his head is turning he says, “Oooookay...”. I cannot contain myself. I am laughing as hard as I can ever remember laughing. I am crying. I am mortified. My entire family also busts out laughing hysterically. My aunts are crying, my cousins husband is on the floor. This is awful! This guy John thinks we're all laughing at him!!! No one can get out why we're laughing. I'm dying a slow death when finally my one aunt spits out that I didn't mean him, I meant my brother John. To which he replies, “Why would you call someone that?”. I now have tears and snot and sweat pouring down my face I am laughing so hard. Everyone else does too. My aunt sputters something about a big baby while we all fight for our breath in fits of laughter.



Yeah. THAT was embarrassing.