Well what do we have here...

Oh, hello there.  Are you still coming to this blog?  I haven't in over a year, so I wouldn't blame you if you haven't.  Nothing to see here...

The past year of my life has been chock-full of me being "out of sorts".  It's been awful if I'm being truly honest, which is easy to do when you're pretty confident nobody comes to your blog anymore anyways.  I made one of the worst decisions of my "responsible adult life" and I am still today reeling from the repercussions of it.  I quit the job I wanted to be at for the rest of my life.  You're probably wondering why someone would do something like that.  I'll tell you why--money.  I had zero plans to ever leave the bank I was at.  I had just had my 5 year anniversary with them and was looking forward to many, many more anniversaries until I finally retired.  But then something happened.  An opportunity came up that seemed too good to pass up.  A friend of mine told me about a job opening at another bank doing the exact same thing, only making a lot more money (not to mention bonuses).  I applied on a whim, without a second thought.  I went through many interviews only to find out it was down to me and an internal candidate.  At this point, I was still just in it to see if I could get it, I didn't actually believe I would, I was just curious.  And the money definitely didn't sound bad either.  In the end, I got the job.

Oh how I wish I could go back in time to one year ago right now.

What I thought was going to be the best career move of my life thus far, turned in to the extreme opposite.  This bank was going through a merger two weeks after my start date.  I was aware of this at hire, but didn't think much of it because the bank I had been at for so long had gone through a similar situation and it was fine.  This new bank is on the national level, whereas my former employer was a small community bank.  This makes a massive difference in how mergers work.  Long story short--I completely fell through the cracks as a new hire.  I had no training.  I had to figure out how to do things on my own, which was ludicrous when you consider the fact that banks are run by the federal government and I could have caused the bank and myself to be charged with massive fees for doing things wrong.  I realize this could come across as sounding bitter, but mostly I am just very sad about the whole situation.

Do to massive amounts of stress and nobody being there for me at this new place, I quit just 5 weeks in.  I was so unhappy, I could not continue to put myself in that environment.  The whole merger was extremely unorganized and as a brand new employee I was expected to just pick up and go with new systems and programs and products I had never used.  There was also some unfortunate timing in the fact that I missed my entire first week of work because I got the flu.  Not the kind of flu you can "fake it til you make it", but the kind where you sleep wrapped around the toilet for fear of ruining everything you own.

All this to say, I made a mistake.  I went back to my original employer and begged for my job back.  Unfortunately, my position had already been filled and that was all there was to it.  So I got a job at Starbucks and at a small independent bookstore.

I am no longer at Starbucks and I have been promoted to manager of the bookstore.

But there is still a deep sadness in me over this entire thing.  There's not a day that goes by that I don't wish I had never left a place I loved and believed in so much.  I am trying to get back into banking now, but that mistake is haunting me.  It doesn't look good only working at a place for 5 weeks.  

In a lot of ways I feel "stuck" in life.  And I don't like it.  But what can I do.  Nothing but keep waking up every morning and trying again.   And I suppose there is some kind of beauty in that, bravery even.  But right now I don't see it.  Maybe in another year this will all make sense.  Maybe in another year I will be so grateful for the mistake that lead me to wherever it is I'm going.

But for now, I'm sad.