The Whole Truth (And Nothing But)

I am going to tell you something that not too many people know. Every since I was fifteen, I have dealt with an anxiety disorder. I don't necessarily like to say, “I have an anxiety disorder” so much as “I sometimes have a hard time in life like everyone else”. But the truth of the matter is that I have been diagnosed by more than one doctor with this quote, unquote, disorder. I have been on all sorts of medications for the majority of my life trying to control it.

 

The funny thing about being a Christian with this, is that it's hard to talk about. In the Bible it's clearly stated that so much of our battle is in the mind. How then do you explain that it's not a normal battle to deal with anxiety in this way? If I were iron deficient, nobody would think twice if I took an iron pill daily. My body is deficient, in it's serotonin production. I take a daily serotonin pill. It's not that big of deal to me.

 

Moving away from the tricky part, I mainly wanted to talk about my personal experiences. One reason I genuinely feel grateful for this “disorder”, is that I know how much I need God to show up in my every day life. There are literally days when as I'm driving to work or wherever, I am crying out to God that if He doesn't make Himself known to me there is no way I will be able to get through the day. My body will physically and mentally begin to shut down if He doesn't see me through it. While days like that are not what I would call fun, they are extremely rewarding in knowing Him in every moment of my day. Of knowing His peace that surpasses all human understanding guards my heart and mind through His Son, Christ Jesus. At the risk of sounding super cheesy, it is through the lowest lows of this “disorder” that I have come to truly know Him intimately.

 

I have had a good long run of not dealing with anxiety on a regular basis. I chalk this up to God's grace, faithfulness, mercy; wisdom He's given to man to create medications; and a very small amount of credit I give to the tricks I've learned along the way. However, this past December there began a shift. I started noticing anxiety popping up quite a bit. Since then, it's increased even more, to almost a daily basis again of having to battle this thing. I have been considering what's changed. Nothing has changed physically, so that just leaves the spiritual.

 

On this past November 14th, there was a combined meeting. (I attend Living Light Christian Church, and there are three congregations, one in Kenosha, one in Racine and one in Pleasant Prairie and about once a quarter we all have a big Sunday meeting together.) Two prophetic words came that I just knew were hugely significant for me and where I was at in life. The basic gist of them was God is doing a work in us, adding layer upon layer and embellishments like a piece of clothing and as you feel the needle go through know that it's Him adding layer up on layer and to look to Him and to trust Him. The other was that God is not just going to do a patch job, but that He's going to open and expose the rotting, weak parts of ourselves and tear them away, reinforce them and build them up stronger. Like I said, I knew these were specifically for me and as they were brought I just stood there, hands in the air, tears running down my face, heart fully surrendered.

 

I knew that one area of my life that He was addressing was my obedience to Him in bringing prophetic words in a corporate setting, songs in particular. For years He has given me songs to sing over His Church and for years I have cowered away. Sure, there were times when I would bring things, but not with the consistency with which He was speaking to me. I made a decision then to share whatever He gave me from then on, no matter what. So I do. And it's been great and amazing to see Him use me in this way. I love how in me simply being obedient, He blesses his people. I'm sure I will reach a point where it is simply second nature for me to bring His Word, but until it does, I am simply choosing obedience to Him.

 

What does all this have to do with the recent anxiety flare up you ask? I'll tell you. I have an enemy. And he is not an original enemy. He only has his same old tricks to pull out of his measly little bag. I believe that this “unexplainable” surge in my anxiety levels are nothing other than him trying to silence me and shut me down from bringing what the Lord is saying to me. And I'm none too happy about it. So I fight. Whether or not I win this battle, in the grand scheme of the war He wins, and therefore so do I. So if I have days of defeat, glory to God. And if I have days of victory, all the more glory to God!

 

These are truths I always know are true, no matter what state my physical mind is in. And even though I might not be able to go to a big work party (like the one I'm skipping tonight), I am victorious in Him. And His grace is sufficient for me. He truly is my everything. I love Him so much this physical body cannot express it or hold it.

 

So if in His grace and goodness He has hand-chosen me for this battle, I am all in.

Your Love Is Strong

by The Spark

 

I was lost within a hopeless life

I was blinded by a darkness

I could not fight

Then You took the scales off my eyes

Your love is strong

My ransom paid on Calvary

You were hung on a tree

that all the while was meant for me

Death broken in Your victory

Your love is strong

 

Amazing love

How can it be?

You chose to come and

give Your life for me

Amazing grace

Such awesome power!

Spirit come set this heart on fire

 

Through the cross You have made a way

You have carried all my burdens

and broken every chain

You've taken all my sin and shame

Your love is strong

Now You have caused my heart to sing

and I will come boldly

and worship at Your feet

Your Spirit now alive in me

Your love is strong

Amazing love

How can it be?

You chose to come

and give your life for me

Amazing grace

Such awesome power!

Spirit come set this heart on fire

 

Your love is strong enough to save

Your love

is more than enough for me

Your love

nothing can separate me from you