I'm not an angry person, but...

Lately I have been SO angry.

And I don't like it.

I used to be a very angry person.  I poured rage into my coffee and greedily slurped it down every morning while smoking a Marb Red.

Back then I didn't know why I was angry.  I functioned in a state of rage for many years.  

And I liked it.

Now I know that the reason I was so angry for so long was due to many, many things flying out of my control.  Parents divorce.  Mom remarried, then redivorced.  Dad an alcoholic. The reasons are endless and severe.

It took me a long time to dig out of that anger.

So now, when I find myself dealing with anger like this again, it scares me a little.

There are many major life changes happening again, all within a matter of days of each other.

I am moving 45 minutes away.

I am losing my job.

I am applying for jobs like it's my job.

I'm being turned down for jobs like crazy.

It is all out flying out of my control.

I am frustrated.

I am annoyed.

I am angry.

This all came to a head this morning.

My little bookstore was closed the past two days due to the extreme cold.  Somewhere in there, we had a few inches of snow.  There is an empty lot next to the store and the wind whips through it and blows huge drifts right in front of our store.  I am responsible for shoveling.  

So this morning as I'm outside shoveling 10-12 inches of snow that has been compacted from people walking over it the past few days we were closed, I lost it.

I am hitting the snow with the shovel, flinging snow as far as I can, crying, swearing, yelling, just plain frustrated.  I was thisclose to coming inside, Skyping my boss that I was quitting and going home to drink wine and cry all day.  If I wasn't in such dire straights financially I'm positive I would have done exactly that.

But instead, I finished shoveling the walk, came in, poured myself a big ole cup of tea and felt so explosive that I figured I should let it out catharticaly with writing. 

So here I am.  

Still angry.  But more of a dull ache of anger now.

The tea is helping.

So is the worship music.

I am going to miss this place.

My Quasi-Christmas List

Losing an entire blog entry has got to be one of THEE most annoying and frustrating things ever!

Let me try and recapture what was just lost into oblivion...

I have decided to not spend money. This has been going on since August 1st and is going quite well.

In "not spending money", I have had to come to terms with 'wants' and 'needs'.

Needs are obvious-food, clothing, shelter (although sometimes I wonder about food and clothing as needs. I find that a lot of people justify unnecessary spending on something that is definitely a 'want' simply because it falls into the category of food or clothing)

I have found that in not spending money I think about what I truly want more than when I was spending money because somehow things have more value and are more special now then when I'd just throw my money around and get everything I wanted all the time.

In that vein, I would like to compile a list of things that are cleary 'wants', simply because I would like somewhere for there to be a complete list and not just thoughts in my head, you know, in case I suddenly come into some money or something.

So without further ado and in no particular order, here is my list thus far:

*Glee Season 1 Soundtrack
*Adult Footie Pajamas
*Friends Seasons 5, 6 and 7 (these are all I'm missing to make my series complete)
*Socks without holes (or sewn toes for that matter)
*A blowdryer that doesn't spark when in use (I live on the wild side)
*My magazine subscriptions to Martha Stewart and Better Homes & Gardens (both are finito come January)
*A new lightbulb for my nightlight in the bathroom (it's amazing how accustomed to these things one becomes, however still not a need!)

I think that's all for now, it's hard to just sit here and try to think of things I've been trying to remember for a few months. I'm sure this will be getting added too.

<3