The Chronicles Of My Embarrassment

I do not have an awkward meter, per se. While most people (I'm told) can feel awkward or embarrassed on a regular basis, I can pretty much count on one hand how many times I've actually felt that way. People are always talking about things being “like so awkward” or “super embarrassing” and I have a hard time relating to that. Even when they tell me the story of why they felt that way, I cannot see any reason to feel that way. I love this about myself.

 

I'm not sure why I don't have this meter. Don't get me wrong, I've definitely felt embarrassed before, however it's only ever been by my own doing. I don't really get embarrassed because someone made me embarrassed, only when I do it to myself. And even then it is very rare. I could recount my tales of embarrassment to you, and I almost want to say the average human would not be able to physically handle the level of which I embarrass myself. Not that I think I'm high and mighty in any way, it's just the truth of the matter. The faces of my friends and coworkers when I tell them how I've embarrassed myself tell me that they themselves could not have moved on from such a situation.

 

This is a funny thing for me to write about because to me it seems like a non-issue. It's not something I deal with, or ever have dealt with really. But it fascinates people. How can someone not hardly ever feel embarrassed, they wonder. I do not have the answer to that. But for your entertainment, I will share a few stories. Some of them have already been shared on this blog, but it's been a long time now, so I feel fine to share them again.

 

I present to you, The Chronicles Of My Embarrassment:

 

-Episode One-

 

When I was 12 my family went to Wisconsin Dells. I had this bright yellow bathing suit that was too big for me so my mom folded the straps over and sewed them down and every year she'd let it out a little bit. Everyone was laying on these lounge chairs resting after walking around the park all day. I went and stood under this large mushroom shaped thing that had water pouring around the edges of it. I was just standing there, letting the water run over me, when suddenly my Aunt Donna looked over towards me and started laughing hysterically and pointing. I turned to see what was so funny, but I couldn't see anything. My dad sat up to see what she was laughing at, except instead of laughing he had this look of horror on his face and came running towards me. I didn't understand why until he reached down and pulled my too big bathing suit up from my ankles and helped me get it back on. Curse that mushroom rushing water thing.

-Episode Two-

A few years ago I came home from work and was in a big rush to get to my friend Adam's house for a taco dinner. It is important for you to know that I was wearing a black cotton skirt. I came home, took a quick shower, picked my black cotton skirt back up off the floor and put it on, finished getting ready and ran out the door. I had to stop at the store for tortilla chips, and I noticed a lot of people looking at me. I thought I must be looking dang good and felt really confident and flattered. I finally got to Adam's and we were sitting around talking waiting for everyone else to show up. I got up to get a cup of water and as I got to the kitchen I heard him yell, "why do you have a big white sticker on your butt?" I replied, "What? No I don't!" I spun my skirt around to look at the back of it, and much to my horror I realized that it wasn't a bit white sticker, but a pantyliner! I ran into the bathroom and peeled it off my skirt and threw it away. As I was about to go back out to the kitchen, it dawned on me that that was the reason everyone in the store was staring at me! I was THAT girl that everyone wanted to say something to but didn't know how! I felt my face go red. I went back in to the living room and sat back on the couch, staring straight ahead. Adam said, "I thought you were getting some water?" I said, "oh yeah" and got back up. I suddenly just started laughing hysterically, I couldn't help it! He just looked at me like I was crazy. I managed go squeak out, "Adam, that wasn't a sticker on my skirt, it was a feminine product, and I went to the grocery store like that!" We were dying of laughter. I still to this day have no idea how that got on my skirt.

-Episode Three-

Before this story begins you need to know that I have two brothers, one named Luke and one named John. You also need to know that for John's entire life Luke and I have called him 'huge'. I'm not sure why exactly, but I think it's something to do with the size of his head as a child. Moving on...

This past New Year's Day I went to my cousins house for a big family dinner. Afterward when everyone but me had left, I asked her and her husband if they knew any guys they could potentially set me up with. They said they did and invited me round the next day to watch the game (ie, the Packer game, is there any other??). The next day I went round and the moment I walked in the door I knew that this was not the man for me. But you can never meet too many people or have too many friends so I stuck around. We laughed, we talked, we watched the game. Normal stuff. Except for my family who apparently lack any and all sense of appropriateness in a “setting someone up” situation. When I first got there, after I met John, I took off my coat and said I needed to use the bathroom (which I did). After I came back from the bathroom, my entire family had moved around in order that I had to sit next to John on the loveseat. At one point John asked if my cousin could make coffee to which my aunt replied, “Coffee?! Sarah loves coffee!”. I shot her a menacing glance and said, “Yeah, who doesn't?”. So this went on throughout the entire game (which we won, by the way). Also, this guy John was actually pretty funny. He had recently lost 100lbs, which is awesome! He and my aunt talked about this and how he did it for almost the entire length of the game. After we won, I started to put on my coat and my cousin said, “You can't leave, we're going to play Apples to Apples!”. So I stayed. Heck, I love that game! We had played a few rounds when the word 'huge' came up. Everyone threw their cards in and as we were waiting for my aunt to figure out which card best fit with 'huge', I suddenly started laughing. And out of my mouth came the words, “Oh man! Too bad I didn't have a card that said John!”. I laughed ridiculously loud. I realized no one else was laughing and slowly looked up from my cards as to why. Everyone, and I mean all of my crazy family, were staring at me with looks of horror, humor and distress upon their faces. Out of the corner of my eye I see the guy (who had just talked for over 3 hours about losing 100lbs) turn his head towards me. It was at that moment that I remembered his name was John. As his head is turning he says, “Oooookay...”. I cannot contain myself. I am laughing as hard as I can ever remember laughing. I am crying. I am mortified. My entire family also busts out laughing hysterically. My aunts are crying, my cousins husband is on the floor. This is awful! This guy John thinks we're all laughing at him!!! No one can get out why we're laughing. I'm dying a slow death when finally my one aunt spits out that I didn't mean him, I meant my brother John. To which he replies, “Why would you call someone that?”. I now have tears and snot and sweat pouring down my face I am laughing so hard. Everyone else does too. My aunt sputters something about a big baby while we all fight for our breath in fits of laughter.

Yeah. THAT was embarrassing.