I'm not an angry person, but...

Lately I have been SO angry.

And I don't like it.

I used to be a very angry person.  I poured rage into my coffee and greedily slurped it down every morning while smoking a Marb Red.

Back then I didn't know why I was angry.  I functioned in a state of rage for many years.  

And I liked it.

Now I know that the reason I was so angry for so long was due to many, many things flying out of my control.  Parents divorce.  Mom remarried, then redivorced.  Dad an alcoholic. The reasons are endless and severe.

It took me a long time to dig out of that anger.

So now, when I find myself dealing with anger like this again, it scares me a little.

There are many major life changes happening again, all within a matter of days of each other.

I am moving 45 minutes away.

I am losing my job.

I am applying for jobs like it's my job.

I'm being turned down for jobs like crazy.

It is all out flying out of my control.

I am frustrated.

I am annoyed.

I am angry.

This all came to a head this morning.

My little bookstore was closed the past two days due to the extreme cold.  Somewhere in there, we had a few inches of snow.  There is an empty lot next to the store and the wind whips through it and blows huge drifts right in front of our store.  I am responsible for shoveling.  

So this morning as I'm outside shoveling 10-12 inches of snow that has been compacted from people walking over it the past few days we were closed, I lost it.

I am hitting the snow with the shovel, flinging snow as far as I can, crying, swearing, yelling, just plain frustrated.  I was thisclose to coming inside, Skyping my boss that I was quitting and going home to drink wine and cry all day.  If I wasn't in such dire straights financially I'm positive I would have done exactly that.

But instead, I finished shoveling the walk, came in, poured myself a big ole cup of tea and felt so explosive that I figured I should let it out catharticaly with writing. 

So here I am.  

Still angry.  But more of a dull ache of anger now.

The tea is helping.

So is the worship music.

I am going to miss this place.