I'm not an angry person, but...

Lately I have been SO angry.

And I don't like it.

I used to be a very angry person.  I poured rage into my coffee and greedily slurped it down every morning while smoking a Marb Red.

Back then I didn't know why I was angry.  I functioned in a state of rage for many years.  

And I liked it.

Now I know that the reason I was so angry for so long was due to many, many things flying out of my control.  Parents divorce.  Mom remarried, then redivorced.  Dad an alcoholic. The reasons are endless and severe.

It took me a long time to dig out of that anger.

So now, when I find myself dealing with anger like this again, it scares me a little.

There are many major life changes happening again, all within a matter of days of each other.

I am moving 45 minutes away.

I am losing my job.

I am applying for jobs like it's my job.

I'm being turned down for jobs like crazy.

It is all out flying out of my control.

I am frustrated.

I am annoyed.

I am angry.

This all came to a head this morning.

My little bookstore was closed the past two days due to the extreme cold.  Somewhere in there, we had a few inches of snow.  There is an empty lot next to the store and the wind whips through it and blows huge drifts right in front of our store.  I am responsible for shoveling.  

So this morning as I'm outside shoveling 10-12 inches of snow that has been compacted from people walking over it the past few days we were closed, I lost it.

I am hitting the snow with the shovel, flinging snow as far as I can, crying, swearing, yelling, just plain frustrated.  I was thisclose to coming inside, Skyping my boss that I was quitting and going home to drink wine and cry all day.  If I wasn't in such dire straights financially I'm positive I would have done exactly that.

But instead, I finished shoveling the walk, came in, poured myself a big ole cup of tea and felt so explosive that I figured I should let it out catharticaly with writing. 

So here I am.  

Still angry.  But more of a dull ache of anger now.

The tea is helping.

So is the worship music.

I am going to miss this place.

Ch-Ch-Changes

"Do you ever find yourself in the midst of so much change yet somehow not worried about it at all? So much is changing and life is whirling all around me, yet I can't help but feel so full of faith for what God has, and even, dare I say it? EXCITEMENT! I found myself worrying that I wasn't worried and then I just had to laugh at myself, because who does that? God is so good to me, that even if I was worried I wouldn't have to be!"

 The above is my current Facebook status.  I didn't divulge too much on Facebook because not everything is "public" yet, but I feel free to share more details here, simply because nobody really reads this blog.  Haha!

This past Monday I turned 35.  THIRTY FIVE!!!  Like, seriously?!  How is that even possible?  In the not so distant past that was middle aged!  I realized a few months ago that I technically can no longer refer to/think of myself as a girl, because being 35 feels like it's officially time to be a woman.  There are so many other things I could say about turning 35, but let's just say this was not an easy age for me to turn.

Also on Monday, our house sold.  I live with my brother Luke, his wife Heather and their three boys Noah, Declan & Eli.  The house has been on the market since the end of October, because he needs to live closer to his work, which is currently 1 1/2 hours away.  I am moving with them to the new house in Caledonia, which is about 45 minutes away from our current house.

With the move, comes a change in churches.  We all attend the Pleasant Prairie church and now will be transferring to the Racine church.  While a lot of my friends are a part of Racine, I will really miss Pleasant Prairie.  It is home.

So that was all Monday.

On Tuesday, I found out that my work is going to be closing it's doors on February 28th.  While I can't say I was completely taken by surprise by this news, it was a bit shocking that it was happening so quickly.  I thought I had more time here.  Yet I don't feel thrown.  In fact, I feel quite the opposite.  I feel completely at peace and full of faith and even excitement for what God has up his sleeve!  It is sad to me that this quaint little bookstore is closing, however I trust Him completely.

February is going to be a crazy month for me in all areas of life.  Home, work and church are all getting totally mixed around and I don't know exactly what either of them is going to look like.  Yet excitement burns in my chest and faith soars to new heights. 

He is on the move.

2014

Only 2 blog posts in all of 2013???  I bet I can do better...