I like to be in control. I'd venture to say that you probably like to be in control too.
I can spend so much time attempting to keep all the plates spinning while holding all the reigns. The funny thing about control for me personally, is that it's an all or nothing thing. Once I start slipping in my control of say, keeping the bathroom clean, I'm more likely to say "screw it" than try to hop back on the horse.
Defeatism at it's best.
Not-good-enough-ism at it's worst.
Because lets face it, once you're defeated all the lies start coming in of how you're not good enough, strong enough, smart enough, stable enough, disciplined enough or whatever enough to stay in control.
Not being in control can cause huge amounts of anxiety in my life. I like to be the one driving. I like to know where things are. I like to be in charge.
The problem comes when when I (inevitably as we all do) lose control. I am not the one in charge.
And yet in the moments of losing the control, I find I am the most in tune with myself. I am forced to grow in the face of a challenge. (The time I missed a connecting flight and was stuck for 10 hours in San Fransisco alone comes to mind) And those are the times of my life that I look back on as some of the best.
Some might call me bossy, others might say I can be overbearing and to others I might seem lazy. But the truth is that at every point I am flailing around trying to be in control.
This is not fun.
Therefore, I am going to test this by giving up control.
Yes. This summer, I, Sarah Elizabeth Freeborn, am relinquishing control.
Scary.
Exhilirating.
1 comment:
there are no words to convey how truthful this is for my life as well. it's called perfectionism, by the way... in the worst form. we are the ones that won't try to attempt a mountain (be it whatever "thing" is in front of us) if it looks too monstrous to handle in the way that we want it to be handled. control freak perfectionist-oriented defeatist. that's me. :-)
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