6/30/08-Day 5

This is an email I wrote to Gary Rudd about this whole weight loss thing...

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Hi Gary!

Yesterday was my first day in with the teaching because I've been in the nursery. Ironically enough, if there is such a thing serving a God like ours, God's been really uprooting a massive thing in my life.

About three months ago I was praising and thanking God for all the changes he's made and is continuing to make in the finance area of my life. I was saying how great it is even though it's been a somewhat grueling process. Then I said, "I'm excited to see what you're going to uproot in me next! What ARE you planning for the next season of my life?" Even as I said it, I was sorta saying in my head "SHUT UP!" hahaha And of course, because he's faithful and just and because He's committed to me and my maturing, He just sorta said it.

He told me that He is jealous for my attention and that I've been giving it to something else. That I claim that He's the Lover of my soul and my all in all, but I've been having an affair with food. He told me that He loves me and He will work through it with me and that He simply wants me to run to Him first. I just sort of sat that wide eyed. How could I have not seen this coming? After all, He was right. When I'm happy, I don't praise him first, I eat. When I'm sad, I don't run to him first, I eat. When I'm lonely, confused, excited, thrilled with life, when I'm anything, I don't go first to Him, I go to food.

Now...this is HUGE for me. I cried my eyes out for about a week. I had been having a love affair with someone other than my Husband. How could I have been so blind? I was wretched. It took me a while to come to grips with this. Every time I felt Him coming near to love and comfort me, I pulled away a little thinking things like, "How? Why do you still love me the same? I've given myself to another?" It was a big deal and I didn't deal with it very well for a while. I found myself doing the same things, I was so ashamed, so I was eating. I was embarassed, so I was eating. I was upset with myself, annoyed at my pride, so I was eating.

A few weeks ago a light sort of went off in my head. He asked me why I keep condemning myself for things he's already forgotten. Yeah, He got me on that one! So I started trying to eat better. I still hadn't told ANYONE anything about any of this because I felt so ashamed, stupid and prideful. Last week I decided that this is ridiculous and not a biblical way of dealing with anything! I went and saw my doctor. I told him that I need to loose weight and I need help. He "prescribed" me a 1200 calorie a day diet and an hour of exercise every day. I told him that was a little steep, wasn't it? I mean what happened to 1/2 hour three times a week??? He said that if I'm really serious, this is what I needed to do, and that as my doctor he's telling me that this is what I NEED to do. He then went over all the health issues that would happen if I stayed where I'm at. He was actually SUPER encouraging!

So when I went home, I right away told Luke & Heather about it. I was still kind of embarassed about it, but once I said it they were SO supportive of me and started telling me how they've noticed it and have been praying for me in it already! Well after that, I've been telling everyone! Even all my coworkers know!

It's only Day 5, but I know it's different this time around. I feel completely graced in this. My view and motivation are different. I'm not trying to "look good" or "get healthy" per se, I just want to glorify God in EVERY area of my life. Even the ones that can seem subtle. I feel like my love affair with the Lord is in the begining stages again, the giddy goofiness of first love! Every day I feel stronger. I know that there will be rough spots, but I know who I'm going to run to this time! I feel in control, well, as in control as a heart submitted can feel! I am ruling and reigning over my body, and it feels great. And when I say it feels great, I don't mean just physically, although it does feel good in my body too, but it just feels great in my soul.

Love,
Sarah