2014

Only 2 blog posts in all of 2013???  I bet I can do better...

Adulthood?

Confession:

I rarely feel like an adult.  It still feels like something I'm working towards.

This begs the question--is adulthood a place you simply arrive at one day, or is it a process, or is it even a bit of a myth?  Does anyone feel like an adult?  Or do we all feel like we're faking it?

I am coming up on turning 35, which is a "there's-no-doubt-about-it-you're-an-adult" age.  But I still feel like a kid or teenager who's somehow just living as an adult.  But why?  I don't have my own place (I live with my brother, his wife and their 3 boys) but I do own a car (that is 100% paid off).  Maybe it's just the year I'm having (see previous post)?  I'm back working retail vs working in what I'd consider my career field, and my financial state has definitely taken a major hit.  Or does it have to do with both of my younger brothers being married with kids and me having never had a serious relationship?  Or because I've never lived more than 20 minutes from where I grew up?

Ultimately, whatever the reason, I am an adult.  Perhaps the answer lies in insecurity.  Maybe I need to just become confident with who I am.  I spend so much time reminiscing about the past and daydreaming about the future, when maybe I should just be focusing on the now.  Now I am an adult.  Now I am on a "break from life" job-wise.  Now I have time to focus on what I've dreamed of doing when I was in the 40 hour a week grind.  So tonight instead of watching Netflix in my room by myself until it's time for bed, maybe I should do one of those things.

That's not to say that I won't still laugh inwardly when in decidedly adult situations.  Heck, my grama tells me all the time that she feels exactly the same as she did in high school (on the inside anyway)!

Well what do we have here...

Oh, hello there.  Are you still coming to this blog?  I haven't in over a year, so I wouldn't blame you if you haven't.  Nothing to see here...

The past year of my life has been chock-full of me being "out of sorts".  It's been awful if I'm being truly honest, which is easy to do when you're pretty confident nobody comes to your blog anymore anyways.  I made one of the worst decisions of my "responsible adult life" and I am still today reeling from the repercussions of it.  I quit the job I wanted to be at for the rest of my life.  You're probably wondering why someone would do something like that.  I'll tell you why--money.  I had zero plans to ever leave the bank I was at.  I had just had my 5 year anniversary with them and was looking forward to many, many more anniversaries until I finally retired.  But then something happened.  An opportunity came up that seemed too good to pass up.  A friend of mine told me about a job opening at another bank doing the exact same thing, only making a lot more money (not to mention bonuses).  I applied on a whim, without a second thought.  I went through many interviews only to find out it was down to me and an internal candidate.  At this point, I was still just in it to see if I could get it, I didn't actually believe I would, I was just curious.  And the money definitely didn't sound bad either.  In the end, I got the job.

Oh how I wish I could go back in time to one year ago right now.

What I thought was going to be the best career move of my life thus far, turned in to the extreme opposite.  This bank was going through a merger two weeks after my start date.  I was aware of this at hire, but didn't think much of it because the bank I had been at for so long had gone through a similar situation and it was fine.  This new bank is on the national level, whereas my former employer was a small community bank.  This makes a massive difference in how mergers work.  Long story short--I completely fell through the cracks as a new hire.  I had no training.  I had to figure out how to do things on my own, which was ludicrous when you consider the fact that banks are run by the federal government and I could have caused the bank and myself to be charged with massive fees for doing things wrong.  I realize this could come across as sounding bitter, but mostly I am just very sad about the whole situation.

Do to massive amounts of stress and nobody being there for me at this new place, I quit just 5 weeks in.  I was so unhappy, I could not continue to put myself in that environment.  The whole merger was extremely unorganized and as a brand new employee I was expected to just pick up and go with new systems and programs and products I had never used.  There was also some unfortunate timing in the fact that I missed my entire first week of work because I got the flu.  Not the kind of flu you can "fake it til you make it", but the kind where you sleep wrapped around the toilet for fear of ruining everything you own.

All this to say, I made a mistake.  I went back to my original employer and begged for my job back.  Unfortunately, my position had already been filled and that was all there was to it.  So I got a job at Starbucks and at a small independent bookstore.

I am no longer at Starbucks and I have been promoted to manager of the bookstore.

But there is still a deep sadness in me over this entire thing.  There's not a day that goes by that I don't wish I had never left a place I loved and believed in so much.  I am trying to get back into banking now, but that mistake is haunting me.  It doesn't look good only working at a place for 5 weeks.  

In a lot of ways I feel "stuck" in life.  And I don't like it.  But what can I do.  Nothing but keep waking up every morning and trying again.   And I suppose there is some kind of beauty in that, bravery even.  But right now I don't see it.  Maybe in another year this will all make sense.  Maybe in another year I will be so grateful for the mistake that lead me to wherever it is I'm going.

But for now, I'm sad.

Summertime And The Living Is Easy

At least that's what the song says.  I have a love/hate relationship with the summertime.  I think I'll make a list.  Let's start with the negative and end on a happy note, shall we?

In the summertime I hate:

-the humidity

-when the temp gets above about 80-85

-sunstroke (I once had a really bad case of sunstroke when I was 15 and in marching band, and ever since I can get it fairly easily if I'm out in the sun for too long)

That's it really.  Overall, I really like the summer, contrary to popular belief.  I love all the seasons.  I just love some a little more than others is all!

In the summertime I love:

-driving with the windows down music blaring

-windblown hair

-suntans and freckles

-sandals

-being barefoot

-skirts and sundresses

-bright colors (on clothes, fingernails, toes, sunglasses, purses, everywhere!)

-long days

-warm nights

-sleeping with the windows open

-fruit & veggies cheap and ripe!

-ice cream

-sunroof open

-swimming

-4th of July

-everything comes alive!  the trees, flowers, town!

-lots of get togethers

-cookouts

-beer and brats (mmm)
-minimal makeup (bronzer, mascara, lipgloss--gorgeous!)
-hair in a fat bun, huge dangly earrings

So as you can see, I clearly enjoy the summertime.  Except for the heat and humidity ;)

Dear Jesus

Dear Jesus,

     I love you.  Help my wavering heart be unwavering.  You are truly the only one my heart desires.  Build this truth into me so deeply that my eyes will stay focused on you and you alone.  You are my everything.  There is nothing I can do outside of you.  I could search the entire earth over and not find one like you.  Take these hopes, dreams, desires and wants and make them yours.  I want nothing outside of you.  Forgive me for my adulterous ways.  You are my all in all.  There is no one for me outside of you.

All my love,

Sarah

First Love - Enter the Worship Circle

If I lift your name up high

will you draw me to your side

I just can't make it one more night

without your kiss

I will wait still, Lord come and fill

this emptiness is more than I can stand

I lift my eyes, my voice to the skies

return me to my First Love once again

Lord I fall down on my knees

only you can rescue me

I find that I am so in need

Wrap me in your presence

I will wait still, Lord come and fill

this emptiness is more than I can stand

I lift my eyes, my voice to the skies

return me to my First Love once again

Rant

Today I was driving, minding my own business when *WHAM* out of nowhere I was forced to look at images of aborted babies.  There was a baby so small it fit in a womans hand, a baby so small its foot was compared to an adult fingertip, a baby missing half its head because of some brutal procedure.

I realize this is a controversial subject.

I realize this is a controversial thing even within the church.

Sure we all agree abortion is wrong, but how we go about dealing with it can vary so strongly.

There are the silent protestors who walk around visible places with duct tape on their mouths to represent those whose lives have been aborted.  There are those who stand on street corners and hold up huge posters with extremely graphic images.  There are those who picket the clinics.  There are even those who are so far gone that they go and shoot doctors.

What are we doing?

Have any of these methods actually caused a woman to change her mind?  Have there been women who were going to have an abortion, only to change their minds after being assulted by crowds of people chanting and holding signs and pictures?  Has a woman ever decided to keep her child after seeing such vulgar pictures of aborted babies on the side of the road?

How helpful are these methods?

I, personally, have issues with these ways of doing things.

So you have a heart for the unborn, wonderful!  Why not donate your time/services in a positive way?  Why not volunteer at a crisis pregnancy center?  Or answer phones somewhere?  Or get involved in (gasp) Planned Parenthood as a means of being someone who can bring help and options from the place a woman most likely would go first?

I know that I don't post things like this on my blog.  I like to keep it light and fun.  But every time I see these people lining the street holding these pictures I just get fired up.  How UNhelpful can you be?  I always want to stop and ask them why they're doing it, what they think is being accomplished by this form of "helping".  How many women have pulled over and ran and thanked them, they hadn't really thought about it, how can they change their life?  I think of people who have had abortions.  Whether they admit it outright or not, they are suffering with the choices they made.  And do you think seeing these images helps them in their guilt?  Do you think it helps them get over the haunting memories?

Because I don't.

I think that love and grace and patience and mercy is what these women need.  Not another person telling them they're wrong.  Not another person saying they don't know what they're doing.  Even if they don't.

And what about those who've lost babies naturally?  These images cannot possibly bring any sort of joy or peace or resolution to anybody.  I have lost a baby.  A son.  I went into early labor and had him at 5 months.  And I held him on my chest as he slowly died from his underdeveloped lungs.  Did I rush out and wave him over my head in front of an abortion clinic or Starbucks?  No.  I grieved.  Like any normal person would.  And when I see these cruel images, they fling me right back to that moment in time over a decade ago.  And do I feel grateful for that?  Heck no.  If anything I feel incensed, furious.  I was having a good day.  I was doing my thing.  And who are these people to so rudely throw such a deep, intimate moment of my life in my face by having these images up at stoplights?

And what about children?  Those who weren't aborted?  I feel so bad for the mom or dad driving with their children.  "Mommy what's wrong with that baby?"  "Daddy what happened to that baby?"  How do you answer those questions as a parent?  How do you answer those questions as a parent who's maybe had an abortion in the past?

Why do we do this?

Why stop at abortions?  Premarital sex is wrong in the eyes of the church, why not stand on street corners holding up pornography?  Murder is wrong, why not stand with signs of gruesome murders (I guess technically we do)?  Gluttony is wrong, why not stand around holding signs of massively obese people?  The list goes on and on.  Adultry, gambling, drunkenness, idoltry, theivery, lying, cheating....

Oh I'm sorry, I suppose that would be offensive.

New Year, New You...or something

So here we are.  2012.  I did not uphold my blogging resolution last year of an entry a week.  But that is the beauty of a new year.  A fresh start.  And this year I'm not going to make a much simpler blogging goal.  At the begining of 2013, I would like to be able to look at my blog history and see one entry under every month.  If it happens to be more, great!

Easy peasy.  Especially considering I only made it until August of 2011, I've got a nice little backlog I can access should I need too.

:)