What Never To Say To A Single Woman

Came across this article on CNN of all places, thought it was hysterical!!

*****

Allow me to introduce myself. I am a gainfully employed, God-fearing, law-abiding citizen, and I come in peace. I don't bet on baseball, I take excellent care of my gums, I keep my tray table locked and upright from takeoff to landing.

Oh, and there's one more thing: I am what is commonly referred to in polite society as "an unmarried woman."

Truth be told, I now have a boyfriend and a baby girl --it's all very modern -- but much of my 30s involved ostensibly concerned bystanders averting their eyes, asking how many cats I own, and sharing their private theories on where it all went so hideously wrong for me.

Ah, yes, I remember it well. And when I start to forget, I still have plenty of single girlfriends in various states of angst to remind me of the grotesque fix-ups, the ham-handed remarks, and the brutal Thanksgiving dinners.

For those valiant, traumatized souls, I present my list of the ten things one must never say, think, or do when dealing with a single woman over the age of 30.

1. Hey, cousin Christy, how 'bout we break with tradition and dispense with that bridal bouquet toss? Believe it or not, it's actually a touch degrading to be shoved front and center next to your spinster aunt Mitzi from Winnipeg as a roomful of revelers hopped up on Champagne and jumbo shrimp chant, "You're next, you're next."

2. The word picky -- as in "the reason you refuse to meet my podiatrist's brother-in-law for a night of miniature golf is that you're too picky"-- is not only offensive, it's inaccurate. Hell, I'd have dated Ted Bundy if he were willing to meet in a well-lit, public place. No, I suspect it was your description of his "slight comb-over" and "profound desire to one day shake Dick Cheney's hand" that made me release that "catch" back into the wilds of New Jersey.

3. Don't confuse being unmarried with being 11 . My love of SpongeBob-shaped macaroni and cheese notwithstanding, I never wanted to sit at the children's table. Nor did I want to ride in the backseat with your darling toddler, his pet tarantula, his Spider-Man glitter glue, and his melting Fudgsicle.

4. Kindly stop filling every conversational lull by announcing how much you love "Will & Grace." Being single is not the same thing as being gay, just as being married is not proof of being straight...but I'll cover that concept more fully in my upcoming "Uncle Barry's Very Special Surprise" article.

5. Has anybody out there noticed that the institution of matrimony is falling apart faster than Courtney Love on a can of Red Bull? Now, I honestly don't care if your marriage is so gothic in its dysfunction that it makes the couple from "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?" look like Will and Jada -- I'm not here to judge. All I ask is that you quit judging me. Perhaps we're not suffering a fear of intimacy as much as a fear of being trapped in a crummy marriage.

6. Remember that little factoid you used to bandy about -- you know, the one where 40-year-old women have a greater chance of being shot by terrorists than of making it to the altar? Then you may also recall that Susan Faludi refuted that myth 14 years ago. So, okay, Ms. Faludi is probably rethinking that (thanks a lot, Osama!), but you don't have to rub it in.

7. Enough with the "constructive" criticism already. We live in a world of stunning technological advancement, but it remains physically impossible to wear your heart on your sleeve and be emotionally distant, dress like a slut and a librarian, try much too hard and not make any real effort.

8. New rule: You may discuss everything from the fall of the Roman Empire to the rise of Rem Koolhaas with your single friend. But her uterus, ovaries, entire reproductive system are off-limits. Sending clippings about a 74-year-old Ukrainian woman who just gave birth to triplets along with a peppy little "Keep hope alive!" Post-it note will do irreparable damage to your relationship and -- if the woman is particularly resourceful -- may even get your tires slashed.

9. Here's a phrase that must never, ever cross your lips: "Let me tell you why a terrific gal like you is still single...." Because that terrific gal is then likely to explain in dark and visceral detail what happened to the last gentleman who uttered those very words -- and, trust me, you really don't want to know.

10. I've looked at single life from both sides now , and here's what I think: Single women are not Sarah Jessica Parker in "Sex and the City" any more than they're Glenn Close in "Fatal Attraction." For one thing, very few have Manolo Blahniks in their closets. For another, very few have sex with Michael Douglas in their kitchens. They sometimes get lonely, frustrated, they sometimes get flat-out goofy.

They are human beings -- tickle them and they laugh, prick them and they bleed, offer them chocolate and they eat.... In other words, they're pretty much like all the married women I know.

Nunsense

I waited on a nun at work the other day. 

Thoughts that went through my head:

'I could never do that, choose to be alone like that......but I am alone, maybe it would be easier to choose to be alone rather than fight it like crazy and keep kicking against the goads......maybe it'd just be easier to "give in" to being alone......but then what if in my resigning to it I miss my spouse, my best friend?......why have I never been in a relationship?......I don't know how to do that......I went straight from "good Christian girl who doesn't date" to "sure, I'll do that with you".  There was every boundary and then no boundaries.  I can only relate to the extremes, not to the relationship aspect......how do I do that?......I don't know how.'

So the long and short of this story is...don't wait on a nun when you're single, feeling lonely and have just turned 31.

HA!

A Winter Poem

It's winter here in Wisconsin,
And the gentle breezes blow,
Seventy miles an hour,
At twenty-five below.
Oh, how I love Wisconsin,
When the snow's up to your butt,
You take a breath of winter,
And your nose gets frozen shut.
Yes, the weather here is wonderful,
So, I guess I'll hang around,
I could never leave Wisconsin,
My ass is frozen to the ground!

(Don't get me wrong, I LOVE winter, but found this "poem" hilarious!)

The List

A few friends of mine are writing out lists of 52 things they would like to do this year with the goal of doing one thing per week.  It got me to thinking of what my list would look like.  Some of these things may not work out practically due to finances and allotted vacation time, but either way it's a list.

Here's what I've got so far--


List Of Things I Would Like To Do In 2010


-Accumulate $2000 in my savings.
-Loose 100lbs.
-Develop a heathier, more active lifestyle.
-Take an overnight trip somewhere by myself (even if just one night).
-Read through the Old Testament.
-Read a minimum of 2 books a month.
-Cultivate tidiness and organizational skills.
-Purge my physical belongings even more.
-Go to Chicago.
-Go to Milwaukee.
-Go to Madison?
-Study the gift of healing, fan it into flame.
-Speak a new tongue.
-Learn Zumba.
-Own a bikini.
-Paint my dresser/end table/tv stand/chair.
-Paint my bedroom?
-Visit Nikki in Lake City, MI.
-Visit Kristen in St. Charles, IL.
-Memorize a minimum of 12 new Scriptures.
-Develop punctuality.
-Ride my bike.
-Go hiking with dad.
-Rediscover my love of watercoloring.
-Go on a coffee date.
-Participate in every Twilight Market of the summer season.
-Reread all of SARK's books.
-Go with Molly back to her home in Seymour, WI.
-Go to Door County.
-Stay in a Bed & Breakfast somewhere.
-Write a poem/short story a month.
-Learn the "Single Ladies" dance.

I'm not at 52, but it seems like a rather full plate, and it inspires me!!  Who knows, maybe I'll actually do some of these now that they're in writing and not just floating around in my head!

Reflections

It comes naturally to me to reflect on the past year at the new year. I also have a birthday coming up on the 13th of this month, so I think I become extra reflective this time of year.

Things that have happened this past year that I am so thankful for.

January—My dad came back to Jesus with open arms and a humble heart. This is huge. The short of it is, I was raised in a Christian home, my dad was the pastor of a local church. When I was 14 my parents divorced and for whatever reason my dad fell out of relationship with the Lord. Not that I think I'm in anyway better than my brothers, but they had the sense to distance themselves from dad at that time. I refused. I was with him through so much crap. I grew up the first half of my life in the church and the second half in seedy bars with strange drunk men. Dad broke my heart but I refused to let him be. We struggled with faith together. Before I get too far gone, let me just say that after sixteen (sixteen!) years away from his True Love, he returned with full force last January!!!

Words cannot express the thankfulness in this little girls heart.

February—On Valentine's Day I was in a serious car accident. I was driving 65mph down a local highway when suddenly the car in the lane next to me came over and sideswiped me. Airbags instantly went off and I spun around backwards into an intersection, over the median and into oncoming traffic. I ended up jumping the curb and speeding backwards towards a gas station. The other car ended up driving away and never was caught. There were many witnesses. The most damage I occurred was a sprained wrist, burns on my hands from the airbags deploying and whiplash (not even super serious whiplash according to the chiropractor). The officers on the scene were so shocked. The just kept saying how they never see a car spin through an intersection OR into oncoming traffic and not get hit multiple times. I did both and didn't get hit once. When I go back and look at that intersection, there are so many light poles, street signs, streetlights, ect...it is truly amazing that I didn't even hit any of those things! Not to mention I came out on top of my car loan and had enough left over for the down payment on my new car, which is a bazillion times better (nicer, safer, cooler) than my old car. And because my brother works at Carmax, I got the family discount on my car and instead of it costing me $10,500, it only cost me $7,500!!! God is so amazing.

May—My baby brother got married to one of my best friends!!! She's from England and they told her (after all their 'testing' to make sure they were truly in love and not just trying to get her a green card) that it would take 3-6 months or longer to get her green card in the mail. She got it 2 weeks later.

August—My finances have always been a wreck. I am a bit of what you might call a free spirit, and treat my finances no different than anything else in my life. This has caused stupid things to happen, like $50 medical bills to go into collections, and for me to be a 30 year old grown woman working at a bank and still live paycheck to paycheck. Something clicked in me this year and I realized that I can't keep running to mom and dad every time I get a flat tire or something. I also realized that married or not, I would like to eventually own my own home. I also realized I don't know how to do any of this. My sister-in-law (whom I conveniently live with) decided to put me through financial boot camp. Starting August 1, 2009, I have been financially responsible. It has been hard, grueling, amazing and wonderful. I am on a strict plan that will be loosening up a bit come February, because then I'll have spending money!!! I am proud to say I have a (small but bigger than I've ever had) balance in my checking account AND I have a savings account now (that has money in it!!!). This is a much bigger deal than I'm making it out to be. God has been ridiculously faithful to me in this. It's almost comical.

October—Like I said earlier, I work at a bank. A small, locally, privately owned bank. You know, the kind that have been folding left and right in this economy. My job has been riddled with uncertainty, fear, worry and sheer terror since October of 2008. That's a looooooong year. Coworkers were being let go left and right, everyone was super tense every day, and there I was, clinging to God's word to me that I was where he wanted me and I wasn't to leave. Let me tell you, I questioned him on that one every day. It's a scary place to be. But yet I had unyielding peace, even when the worry and fear would get to me. October 23rd was a Friday. Twenty minutes before close we got a phone call. The Feds were on their way. The bank had been sold. They couldn't tell us anymore information, we just had to wait for the Feds. I was crapping my pants. Long story short, yes, we were bought by another bank. However, they kept every single employee. And they're an amazing bank. They're in the 95th percentile of banks in the ENTIRE country!!! That means only 5% of banks in the NATION are doing better than them!!!! I am suddenly in the most secure job I've ever had. And I love my new employers!! God blows my mind repeatedly. It's amazing I even have one left.

2009 was a banner year for me. Way to end the decade! Can't wait to see what the new one holds!

So This Is Christmas

It's funny how Christmas is so exciting to me and yet it also carries an element of sadness.  The element of sadness comes in because I can feel alone, and at Christmas it's just highlighted so much more. All the Christmas songs everywhere, all the movies everywhere, I mean is anyone NOT in love at Christmastime?? I like those things, no I love those things, but they don't help me much in this area.

I struggle with this.

I struggle with wondering if loneliness is okay to feel as a Christian. I've talked (not recently) to my brother John about this and he doesn't think there's anything wrong with feeling loneliness, it's just when it consumes you and begins defining you that it's a problem. That brings me comfort. It does not, however, give me peace about feeling lonely.

As Christians, we have everything we need for life and godliness. We are whole and complete in Christ. We are already all these things and yet there is a sanctification process. I've heard it stated multiple times that we live in an 'already but not yet' Kingdom. I agree whole heartedly with that and it makes complete sense to me. But I still don't really think Christians should be lonely. It just seems like such a selfish emotion, maybe that's my problem with it. When I feel lonely I get angry at myself because I shouldn't be lonely for a mate, I should be longing for Jesus. And yet He's clearly placed this desire within me and spoken words to me about whomever "he" is...see my dilemma?

Maybe my frustration simply lies in that I find myself looking forward to marriage and having a family so much more this time of year than I do any other time of year. As a singleton, my focus should be on God, the Lover of my soul, not what could potentially be in my life, but what is in my life.-Jesus, my wonderful family, my nephews, amazing friends, my great church.

I guess what it all comes down to is that at the end of the day, I drive home by myself to my own bedroom and lay down in my own bed...and sometimes it's cold in there.

It's The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year!

And I'm completely swamped!!!

But I do miss you blogosphere...

I will find time for you soon!