New Year, New Blog

I've moved! Find me at www.sarahfreeborn.wordpress.com

I'm not an angry person, but...

Lately I have been SO angry.

And I don't like it.

I used to be a very angry person.  I poured rage into my coffee and greedily slurped it down every morning while smoking a Marb Red.

Back then I didn't know why I was angry.  I functioned in a state of rage for many years.  

And I liked it.

Now I know that the reason I was so angry for so long was due to many, many things flying out of my control.  Parents divorce.  Mom remarried, then redivorced.  Dad an alcoholic. The reasons are endless and severe.

It took me a long time to dig out of that anger.

So now, when I find myself dealing with anger like this again, it scares me a little.

There are many major life changes happening again, all within a matter of days of each other.

I am moving 45 minutes away.

I am losing my job.

I am applying for jobs like it's my job.

I'm being turned down for jobs like crazy.

It is all out flying out of my control.

I am frustrated.

I am annoyed.

I am angry.

This all came to a head this morning.

My little bookstore was closed the past two days due to the extreme cold.  Somewhere in there, we had a few inches of snow.  There is an empty lot next to the store and the wind whips through it and blows huge drifts right in front of our store.  I am responsible for shoveling.  

So this morning as I'm outside shoveling 10-12 inches of snow that has been compacted from people walking over it the past few days we were closed, I lost it.

I am hitting the snow with the shovel, flinging snow as far as I can, crying, swearing, yelling, just plain frustrated.  I was thisclose to coming inside, Skyping my boss that I was quitting and going home to drink wine and cry all day.  If I wasn't in such dire straights financially I'm positive I would have done exactly that.

But instead, I finished shoveling the walk, came in, poured myself a big ole cup of tea and felt so explosive that I figured I should let it out catharticaly with writing. 

So here I am.  

Still angry.  But more of a dull ache of anger now.

The tea is helping.

So is the worship music.

I am going to miss this place.

Ch-Ch-Changes

"Do you ever find yourself in the midst of so much change yet somehow not worried about it at all? So much is changing and life is whirling all around me, yet I can't help but feel so full of faith for what God has, and even, dare I say it? EXCITEMENT! I found myself worrying that I wasn't worried and then I just had to laugh at myself, because who does that? God is so good to me, that even if I was worried I wouldn't have to be!"

 The above is my current Facebook status.  I didn't divulge too much on Facebook because not everything is "public" yet, but I feel free to share more details here, simply because nobody really reads this blog.  Haha!

This past Monday I turned 35.  THIRTY FIVE!!!  Like, seriously?!  How is that even possible?  In the not so distant past that was middle aged!  I realized a few months ago that I technically can no longer refer to/think of myself as a girl, because being 35 feels like it's officially time to be a woman.  There are so many other things I could say about turning 35, but let's just say this was not an easy age for me to turn.

Also on Monday, our house sold.  I live with my brother Luke, his wife Heather and their three boys Noah, Declan & Eli.  The house has been on the market since the end of October, because he needs to live closer to his work, which is currently 1 1/2 hours away.  I am moving with them to the new house in Caledonia, which is about 45 minutes away from our current house.

With the move, comes a change in churches.  We all attend the Pleasant Prairie church and now will be transferring to the Racine church.  While a lot of my friends are a part of Racine, I will really miss Pleasant Prairie.  It is home.

So that was all Monday.

On Tuesday, I found out that my work is going to be closing it's doors on February 28th.  While I can't say I was completely taken by surprise by this news, it was a bit shocking that it was happening so quickly.  I thought I had more time here.  Yet I don't feel thrown.  In fact, I feel quite the opposite.  I feel completely at peace and full of faith and even excitement for what God has up his sleeve!  It is sad to me that this quaint little bookstore is closing, however I trust Him completely.

February is going to be a crazy month for me in all areas of life.  Home, work and church are all getting totally mixed around and I don't know exactly what either of them is going to look like.  Yet excitement burns in my chest and faith soars to new heights. 

He is on the move.

2014

Only 2 blog posts in all of 2013???  I bet I can do better...

Adulthood?

Confession:

I rarely feel like an adult.  It still feels like something I'm working towards.

This begs the question--is adulthood a place you simply arrive at one day, or is it a process, or is it even a bit of a myth?  Does anyone feel like an adult?  Or do we all feel like we're faking it?

I am coming up on turning 35, which is a "there's-no-doubt-about-it-you're-an-adult" age.  But I still feel like a kid or teenager who's somehow just living as an adult.  But why?  I don't have my own place (I live with my brother, his wife and their 3 boys) but I do own a car (that is 100% paid off).  Maybe it's just the year I'm having (see previous post)?  I'm back working retail vs working in what I'd consider my career field, and my financial state has definitely taken a major hit.  Or does it have to do with both of my younger brothers being married with kids and me having never had a serious relationship?  Or because I've never lived more than 20 minutes from where I grew up?

Ultimately, whatever the reason, I am an adult.  Perhaps the answer lies in insecurity.  Maybe I need to just become confident with who I am.  I spend so much time reminiscing about the past and daydreaming about the future, when maybe I should just be focusing on the now.  Now I am an adult.  Now I am on a "break from life" job-wise.  Now I have time to focus on what I've dreamed of doing when I was in the 40 hour a week grind.  So tonight instead of watching Netflix in my room by myself until it's time for bed, maybe I should do one of those things.

That's not to say that I won't still laugh inwardly when in decidedly adult situations.  Heck, my grama tells me all the time that she feels exactly the same as she did in high school (on the inside anyway)!

Well what do we have here...

Oh, hello there.  Are you still coming to this blog?  I haven't in over a year, so I wouldn't blame you if you haven't.  Nothing to see here...

The past year of my life has been chock-full of me being "out of sorts".  It's been awful if I'm being truly honest, which is easy to do when you're pretty confident nobody comes to your blog anymore anyways.  I made one of the worst decisions of my "responsible adult life" and I am still today reeling from the repercussions of it.  I quit the job I wanted to be at for the rest of my life.  You're probably wondering why someone would do something like that.  I'll tell you why--money.  I had zero plans to ever leave the bank I was at.  I had just had my 5 year anniversary with them and was looking forward to many, many more anniversaries until I finally retired.  But then something happened.  An opportunity came up that seemed too good to pass up.  A friend of mine told me about a job opening at another bank doing the exact same thing, only making a lot more money (not to mention bonuses).  I applied on a whim, without a second thought.  I went through many interviews only to find out it was down to me and an internal candidate.  At this point, I was still just in it to see if I could get it, I didn't actually believe I would, I was just curious.  And the money definitely didn't sound bad either.  In the end, I got the job.

Oh how I wish I could go back in time to one year ago right now.

What I thought was going to be the best career move of my life thus far, turned in to the extreme opposite.  This bank was going through a merger two weeks after my start date.  I was aware of this at hire, but didn't think much of it because the bank I had been at for so long had gone through a similar situation and it was fine.  This new bank is on the national level, whereas my former employer was a small community bank.  This makes a massive difference in how mergers work.  Long story short--I completely fell through the cracks as a new hire.  I had no training.  I had to figure out how to do things on my own, which was ludicrous when you consider the fact that banks are run by the federal government and I could have caused the bank and myself to be charged with massive fees for doing things wrong.  I realize this could come across as sounding bitter, but mostly I am just very sad about the whole situation.

Do to massive amounts of stress and nobody being there for me at this new place, I quit just 5 weeks in.  I was so unhappy, I could not continue to put myself in that environment.  The whole merger was extremely unorganized and as a brand new employee I was expected to just pick up and go with new systems and programs and products I had never used.  There was also some unfortunate timing in the fact that I missed my entire first week of work because I got the flu.  Not the kind of flu you can "fake it til you make it", but the kind where you sleep wrapped around the toilet for fear of ruining everything you own.

All this to say, I made a mistake.  I went back to my original employer and begged for my job back.  Unfortunately, my position had already been filled and that was all there was to it.  So I got a job at Starbucks and at a small independent bookstore.

I am no longer at Starbucks and I have been promoted to manager of the bookstore.

But there is still a deep sadness in me over this entire thing.  There's not a day that goes by that I don't wish I had never left a place I loved and believed in so much.  I am trying to get back into banking now, but that mistake is haunting me.  It doesn't look good only working at a place for 5 weeks.  

In a lot of ways I feel "stuck" in life.  And I don't like it.  But what can I do.  Nothing but keep waking up every morning and trying again.   And I suppose there is some kind of beauty in that, bravery even.  But right now I don't see it.  Maybe in another year this will all make sense.  Maybe in another year I will be so grateful for the mistake that lead me to wherever it is I'm going.

But for now, I'm sad.

Summertime And The Living Is Easy

At least that's what the song says.  I have a love/hate relationship with the summertime.  I think I'll make a list.  Let's start with the negative and end on a happy note, shall we?

In the summertime I hate:

-the humidity

-when the temp gets above about 80-85

-sunstroke (I once had a really bad case of sunstroke when I was 15 and in marching band, and ever since I can get it fairly easily if I'm out in the sun for too long)

That's it really.  Overall, I really like the summer, contrary to popular belief.  I love all the seasons.  I just love some a little more than others is all!

In the summertime I love:

-driving with the windows down music blaring

-windblown hair

-suntans and freckles

-sandals

-being barefoot

-skirts and sundresses

-bright colors (on clothes, fingernails, toes, sunglasses, purses, everywhere!)

-long days

-warm nights

-sleeping with the windows open

-fruit & veggies cheap and ripe!

-ice cream

-sunroof open

-swimming

-4th of July

-everything comes alive!  the trees, flowers, town!

-lots of get togethers

-cookouts

-beer and brats (mmm)
-minimal makeup (bronzer, mascara, lipgloss--gorgeous!)
-hair in a fat bun, huge dangly earrings

So as you can see, I clearly enjoy the summertime.  Except for the heat and humidity ;)