Tales of a Vibrant Life

Rant

2012-01-22T15:07:00.004-06:00

Today I was driving, minding my own business when *WHAM* out of nowhere I was forced to look at images of aborted babies. There was a baby so small it fit in a womans hand, a baby so small its foot was compared to an adult fingertip, a baby missing half its head because of some brutal procedure.

I realize this is a controversial subject.

I realize this is a controversial thing even within the church.

Sure we all agree abortion is wrong, but how we go about dealing with can vary so strongly.

There are the silent protestors who walk around visible places with duct tape on their mouths to represent those whose lives have been aborted. There are those who stand on street corners and hold up huge posters with extremely graphic images. There are those who picket the clinics. There are even those who are so far gone that they go and shoot doctors.

What are we doing?

Have any of these methods actually caused a woman to change her mind? Have there been women who were going to have an abortion, only to change their minds after being assulted by crowds of people chanting and holding signs and pictures? Has a woman ever decided to keep her child after seeing such vulgar pictures of aborted babies on the side of the road?

How helpful are these methods?

I, personally, have issues with these ways of doing things.

So you have a heart for the unborn, wonderful! Why not donate your time/services in a positive way? Why not volunteer at a crisis pregnancy center? Or answer phones somewhere? Or get involved in (gasp) Planned Parenthood as a means of being someone who can bring help and options from the place a woman most likely would go first?

I know that I don't post things like this on my blog. I like to keep it light and fun. But every time I see these people lining the street holding these pictures I just get fired up. How UNhelpful can you be? I always want to stop and ask them why they're doing it, what they think is being accomplished by this form of "helping". How many women have pulled over and ran and thanked them, they hadn't really thought about it, how can they change their life? I think of people who have had abortions. Whether they admit it outright or not, they are suffering with the choices they made. And do you think seeing these images helps them in their guilt? Do you think it helps them get over the haunting memories?

Because I don't.

I think that love and grace and patience and mercy is what these women need. Not another person telling them they're wrong. Not another person saying they don't know what they're doing. Even if they don't.

And what about those who've lost babies naturally? These images cannot possibly bring any sort of joy or peace or resolution to anybody. I have lost a baby. A son. I went into early labor and had him at 5 months. And I held him on my chest as he slowly died from his underdevolped lungs. Did I rush out and wave him over my head in front of an abortion clinic or Starbucks? No. I grieved. Like any normal person would. And when I see these cruel images, they fling me right back to that moment in time over a decade ago. And do I feel grateful for that? Heck no. If anything I feel incensed, furious. I was having a good day. I was doing my thing. And who are these people to so rudely throw such a deep, intimate moment of my life in my face by having these images up at stoplights?

And what about children? Those who weren't aborted? I feel so bad for the mom or dad driving with their children. "Mommy what's wrong with that baby?" "Daddy what happened to that baby?" How do you answer those questions as a parent? How do you answer those questions as a parent who's maybe had an abortion in the past?

Why do we do this?

Why stop at abortions? Premarital sex is wrong in the eyes of the church, why not stand on street corners holding up pornography? Murder is wrong, why not stand with signs of gruesome murders (I guess technically we do)? Gluttony is wrong, why not stand around holding signs of massively obese people? The list goes on and on. Adultry, gambling, drunkenness, idoltry, theivery, lying, cheating....

Oh I'm sorry, I suppose that would be offensive.

New Year, New You...or something

2012-01-08T14:06:00.000-06:00

So here we are. 2012. I did not uphold my blogging resolution last year of an entry a week. But that is the beauty of a new year. A fresh start. And this year I'm not going to make a much simpler blogging goal. At the begining of 2013, I would like to be able to look at my blog history and see one entry under every month. If it happens to be more, great!

Easy peasy. Especially considering I only made it until August of 2011, I've got a nice little backlog I can access should I need too.

God Knows Best (Trust Me)

2011-08-14T15:41:00.004-05:00

This past spring I had to buy four new tires. It was frustrating to me. In total, I had to spend upwards of $500. I decided that I could do more to save up the money that I had spent, so I took another job. I did not consult God in this. Honestly it didn't even cross my mind to, I just was worried about replacing that money as soon as possible.

So I accepted the offer of working in a store part time this past May. And I really loved it. I loved working in retail again; I loved having a job that made me work hard and sweat a lot. I loved the people I worked with, the product I sold and just being back in a retail setting.

All was going well, but I began to notice that I was constantly tired. Not just kind of sleepy, but couldn't keep my eyes open to save my life exhausted. I began to decline offers of going to social activities. I began to withdraw from all aspects of life except for work and sleep. I've always struggled to spend time in the Word. I love it when I do it, but I lack in the discipline. And I found that my time with God went from so-so to non-existent. I somehow kept justifying it in my head with my one goal: $500. The ridiculous part was that at minimum hours and minimum wage, I wasn't coming anywhere near that amount of money. I barely saw my family, even though I live with them! But somehow I stayed convinced that this was the right thing for me to be doing.

God is merciful and gracious.

Every year the church I'm involved in goes away together for a weekend. This year was no exception. While at the OCM Conference this year, God spoke so clearly and wonderfully (as He does). These are two prophetic words that came back to back this year that I knew they were for me:

“Do you hear me? My child, yes you, do you hear me my child? I have not called you to a moment in a meeting, I have called you to a lifetime of repentance. I have not called you to a moment in a meeting, I have called you to a lifetime of death. Do you hear me my child? I have not called you to a moment in a meeting, I have called you to a lifetime of picking up your cross. And you, yes you, the one who is so busy, the devils tactics of busyness have taken over your life. Yes you, listen, I am speaking to you—so busy you don't have time for me, filled your life up with so many things. And you have hidden from me behind your busyness. Examine your life. Not a moment, don't just take this moment, examine your life... ...See I have not called you for a moment in a meeting, I have called you to examine yourself for a lifetime—to allow my strength to surge through you, purify you, to touch every area, even the dark and hidden ones, every area. See I have a plan for you that is going to take so much more, but is going to be worth every moment of deciding to lay your life down. Every moment of death you give me, I'll breathe my life into you.”

And then this word came immediately following:

“For radical people make radical decisions. For you are not radical by association. You are not radical merely because you belong to a church that is radical. You are radical because everyday you wake up, and you make a decision to follow me, says the Lord. A radical people make radical, daily decisions. Not impulsive and foolish, but in faith—being sure of what you hope for and certain of what you do not see. I am calling you to walk in boldness and grace. For as I just said I am calling you, and I call you today, this day, and all the days of your life to live a life of radical decisions. And know this, that every time you make a decision, to not follow the ways of this word, every time that you trade the ways of this world you gain me says the Lord. And I meet you in fullness and in power and grace, for I'll meet you right now in this place and I'll fill you with faith and I'll fill you with grace to make a decision for me says the Lord.”

I found myself standing there, arms up, tears streaming down my face in repentance. I knew I had been wrong to take a second job. I decided right then and there to quit the part time job when I got back home.

Except I didn't.

After I got back, I continued to go to my second job, and I just loved it so much I thought surely it couldn't be a bad thing for me. So I didn't quit. And I still loved it. Up until this past Friday it was great.

But God is a patient God. And He is jealous for me.

Suddenly on Friday I found myself in such a state of physical, mental and emotional exhaustion that the mere thought of going to work at the store sent me into an all out breakdown. I was on call that night and when I called, certain that I wouldn't have to go in, they said they needed me. After I hung up, I was ruined. I all out cried for about half an hour until my brother called me down for dinner. I went to the table like that and cried in my tacos. Luke and Heather kept saying things like, “Why are you doing this? You need to quit. God told you to quit and you didn't do it. You need to quit Sarah.” All of which I knew were true.

So, I quit.

And it was horrible.

I am not proud to tell you this, but I did not give a notice. I just quit. I have never done that before and I don't plan on ever doing it again. But I had to quit that job for my sanity and physical health. I was beyond wrecked. I had been working 13-15 hour days and barely sleeping because I was so wound up when I'd get home I'd just lay in my bed for hours.

But I'll tell you what, it didn't matter how awful it was to just quit a job that I loved and have to tell a boss that I loved and leave coworkers that I loved, because once I left that store and got into my car to go home, the most amazing sense of peace fell over me.

I knew that I had done the right thing.

I spent a good chunk of that night and the next day (yesterday) repenting and with Him.

And He is wonderful to me.

All this to say—when God tells you to do something, do it. Everyone will be better off for it! He truly does know what He's doing and he truly does have your best at heart.

Testing a Theory

2011-05-27T10:45:00.000-05:00

I like to be in control. I'd venture to say that you probably like to be in control too.

I can spend so much time attempting to keep all the plates spinning while holding all the reigns. The funny thing about control for me personally, is that it's an all or nothing thing. Once I start slipping in my control of say, keeping the bathroom clean, I'm more likely to say "screw it" than try to hop back on the horse.

Defeatism at it's best.

Not-good-enough-ism at it's worst.

Because lets face it, once you're defeated all the lies start coming in of how you're not good enough, strong enough, smart enough, stable enough, disciplined enough or whatever enough to stay in control.

Not being in control can cause huge amounts of anxiety in my life. I like to be the one driving. I like to know where things are. I like to be in charge.

The problem comes when when I (inevitably as we all do) lose control. I am not the one in charge.

And yet in the moments of losing the control, I find I am the most in tune with myself. I am forced to grow in the face of a challenge. (The time I missed a connecting flight and was stuck for 10 hours in San Fransisco alone comes to mind) And those are the times of my life that I look back on as some of the best.

Some might call me bossy, others might say I can be overbearing and to others I might seem lazy. But the truth is that at every point I am flailing around trying to be in control.

This is not fun.

Therefore, I am going to test this by giving up control.

Yes. This summer, I, Sarah Elizabeth Freeborn, am relinquishing control.

Scary.

Exhilirating.

31 Day Challenge

2011-05-01T15:31:00.000-05:00

I read a interesting article this week. It was about these women who made one small change in their every day lives for 31 days. One woman did push ups for one minute a day, another wore a dress/skirt every day, for 31 days.

I've decided to try it out myself. 31 days. Not too overwhelming, but enought to form a habit and see change. I've decided to walk to 80th Street and back every day. That's a total of 8 blocks. It only takes 10-15 minutes, so it shouldn't be hard to do every day.

Rain or shine.

You can click to read the article here.

If you decide to do it too, leave me a comment and let me know what you're going to do for the next 31 days!

Ketchup

2011-04-10T14:38:00.000-05:00

I have lost my stride. I was doing so well too! I'm going to try and catch up this week by posting 3 (yes, three!) times.

And yes, I am counting this as one entry, because it's my blog and I can do what I want! haha

Grampa Freeborn

2011-03-22T18:19:00.004-05:00

My dad's dad died Sunday night (3/20/11).

I can count on one hand the number of times I've met him in my life. Yet I feel so sorrowful. I was fine all day on Monday, but this morning at work I was near tears the entire morning. Finally I went in my boss' office just to hash it out and get on with the day. When I walked in she immediately asked me if I was okay. I burst in to tears and couldn't get ahold of myself. After I was sobbing in her office for about 10 minutes, she said I should just go home; take a bereavement day. I told her that wouldn't be necessary but then after about 5 more minutes of still not being able to get my emotions under control I agreed and left. I was that girl you sometimes see driving who's a crying wreck and you wonder what happened.

I'm not exactly sure what was going on, but I do think I mostly just feel sad that I never really knew him. I (obviously) have 4 grandparents. Over the course of my life I have actually had 12 (from stepdad's parents, grandparents remarrying, great-grandparents). And while statistically that seems great, I have only really known one of them.

My Grama (Dorlene) Freeborn died when I was just a kid, I don't even remember how old I was. I only remember meeting her one time. My dad, mom and two younger brothers drove one summer all the way down to San Antonio, TX from Kenosha, WI in our VW Rabbit. I met her down there. She carried a pan of potatoes into my cousin Hannah's house and that's the only image I have of her in my mind. She just keeps carrying that pan of potatoes through my memories.

My Grampa (John) Brandt I knew a bit more, but not too much. He struggled as an alcoholic and about half of my few childhood memories involved him drinking too much. The other half involve him just being a silly grampa. Then when I was 8 or 9 he was diagnosed with Alzheimer's and he just slipped away. By the time I was 14 he was totally gone and had to put into the care of a nursing home. I'd go see him occasionally, but he was only a body in that bed. He died not too long ago (3 years? 4?). And while that was sad, it is true what they say that Alzheimer's patients die two deaths; and I had come to terms with him being gone a long time before he physically died.

My Grama (Phyllis) Brandt is still alive and well. And she's the only one I really know.

So that brings us to Grampa (J. Andrew) Freeborn.

He led a hard life. He also led a wonderful life. He knew the Lord very well. He was a traveling preacher and would lead tent revivals all over the south when my dad was a kid. He also struggled with being bipolar his entire life. He wasn't even diagnosed until his thirties, but after that he spent many years in and out of psychiatric hospitals trying to stabilize himself. After my Grama Freeborn died he remarried a lady I really loved as a grama named Arlene. I'm not sure what happened, but they ended up divorcing. He then married Geraldine. And Grama Gerry is lovely. She can also bake the best things of anyone in the south. He founded a church in northern California, pastored numerous churches throughout his lifetime, taught at the International Bible College in San Antonio, and I'm sure did much more than I know of.

I suppose what really got me was all the comments people have been leaving on my dad's Facebook profile. Here are some of my favorites, typos and all:

God bless you and your family, Michael. Your dad touched so many lives for the kingdom. I join with them in expressing my gratitude for such a man and for the season he spoke into my life.

Michael - We have appreciated your family very much. The practical application of the word was of the highest importance to your dad, and it has had a lasting impact on us. We bless your family today.

This is like the passing of an era. As long as I have had memory, Andrew was a part of it. We loved and respected his ministry and as a person. We were privileged to enjoy his company for a few months out of his life and he was like a brother. Our hearts are heavy this morning, but oh what a wonderful day for Andrew. All that he has loved, he has now obtained. Our love and prayers will be with you and the family. Please give Geri our best.

Michael and the family, As you know your mom and dad had a great deal to do with our early lives in ministry, when we were getting ready to go to Mexico, etc. They were always a blessing. I am sorry to hear of his passing, but I also know that he is happy in the presence of the Lord! How he must be rejoicing. We love all of you.

michael, i am so sorry to hear such sad news. our thoughts go with you as you travel...your dad was a good man, and dave came to the Lord under your dad's ministry. may you be comforted in Jesus...

Michael. I'm sitting here with tears running down, thinking about you and the family, lots of good memories of your precious dad and mom, knowing your pain, but, rejoicing in the Lord just knowing ....WONT' WE HAVE A TIME WHEN WE GET OVER YONDER. lots of prayers are coming your way. love you much!!!

We will never forget your Father; I always enjoyed his preaching when I had the privilidge to hear him. Heaven has welcomed a hero!

He has left a footprint on the lives of thousands and may we be stirred to follow his example.

Michael, sending condolences to you and your family. I remember classes with your dad (and "Queens of the Parsonage" with your mother). His class on "Names of God" was one of my favorites. It was your dad who encouraged me to to a 4th year to IBC. He was certainly a blessing to me…and I'm sure, to many others, as well.

so sorry about that....a great church pillar....

Michael--your Dad left a legacy that can only be measured in heaven.

Sorry to hear that Mike, There is a lot of respect for him here.

Such fond memories of your Dad and Mom at Northern District, CA youth camps (including all you kids with them) - can't ever remember you kids not being with them on their annual trek to our camps. Your Dad was morning teacher and your Mom was camp nurse and all the influence they had with so many of us involved. We were so blessed by his ministry! The Lord comfort you and your family is our prayer.

I am sorry Michael. My mom told me the news yesterday. Your dad (and mom) are part of some of the earliest memories of my life! They were kinda like "superstars"! :D Feel comfort in the fact that so many people have felt loved by them and, in turn, we will not forget!

In reading these comments from strangers, I can't help but feel that I missed knowing an amazing man. It's a strange thing grieving for someone you never knew. And even though I never knew him in this lifetime, I know I'll have all of eternity to dance and shout with him.

Writing Exercise

2011-03-13T16:08:00.003-05:00

Today at my writer's group we did a writing exercise, as we normally do, however I liked my outcome a lot, so I will share it.

The exercise was this: choose two of the 24 fine point sharpies. With the first color you must create a character, with the second a scenario to place the character in.

My colors were a deep purple and a very light baby blue color.

Here is my story.

***

Valerie is an old soul. She loves coffee (black) and oversized sweaters (olive green). She has long dark brown hair that often gets mistaken for black. She can often be found in at her local coffee shop sitting with her feet swung over the edge of the big red chair, tortoise shell glasses on the edge of her nose, book in hand. Even though she spends her days working in a local bookstore, she cannot get enough of them and spends the majority of her free time reading. She prefers Austen to Steinbeck, Keats to Cummings. She is a romantic at heart. She is not afraid to go for walks on rainy days, as her soft brown leather shoes are perfectly capable of keeping her dry. Her world is one full of dim, overcast days, but one full of quiet joys. She is equally happy listening to Vivaldi as she is to Morrison. Equally content to lead as follow. To many she seems quiet, bookish and somewhat mundane. But she sees the world through bright green eyes and it sparkles for her more than most.

She awoke this past Tuesday to nothing unusual or out of the ordinary. However when she stepped outside to walk the seven blocks to the bookstore, she couldn't help but feel blue. And not the deep, dark, depressed rundown blue, but the hopeful, light baby blue. (Not quite robins egg, but a bit more powdered.) She chalked it up to the slowly warming weather and the fact that for once, it was not raining in her cozy northwest town. It seemed as if every yard had bright green shoots of daffodils beginning to poke through the ground, and birds sang in every tree. She could hear the robins, but they were hidden against the gray sky. She found herself swinging her bag back and forth as she walked and had to smile remembering doing that exact thing with her backpack all those years ago. The air smelled lush and full of the promise of a spring that leads headlong into a glorious summer. She felt her spirit within her fluttering against her rib cage in excitement, the winter was almost over! While she did enjoy many of the dark, listless winter days, the affirmation of spring is almost more than she can take. She can feel the excitement running over her skin as a small hole forms in the cloud cover and a single ray of sunshine peeks through. Yes, that Tuesday was a good day.

Fat Bottomed Girls You Make The Rockin' World Go Round

2011-03-12T19:20:00.002-06:00

It is no secret that I am a bigger woman. What most of you probably don't know is how difficult it is to find cute clothing if you're a bigger woman. For whatever reason, if you're bigger, stores assume you want to wear the brightest, boldest, most sequined, beaded thing imaginable.

The truth is, bigger women do not want to wear those things.

We know we're big, we don't need stores trying to just drape us in fabric to get the point across (ie...shawls aka tents). And maybe that's a personal preference, however today I decided to go to Goodwill. I often go to Goodwill looking for books and/or dvds (now that everyone's buying blu-ray discs, dvds abound!). I have on occasion ventured over to the clothing racks. I have found a few cute things there too.

Today, however, I found myself appalled as I walked the clothing aisles. And while I did end up buying two articles of clothing, it was difficult to find anything worth even trying on.

I present to you:

Things Bigger Women Would Never Be Caught Dead Wearing

1. While stripes can be slimming, it is imperative that they be vertical. And one color. And one size.

2. Colored animal prints? Really? And what you cannot see here is that this is sheer. Danger!

3. I have no words. The picture stole them all.

4. I am not one to shy away from color. But this is not what big women want when they want to wear color!

5. See #4

6. I, personally, believe nobody should wear sequins. Or shirts with beads sewed on them. And I'm pretty sure most big women would not want to be a huge disco ball. Or a bad acid trip.

So there you have it. Is it really so difficult to know why these things are not what big women want to wear? And some poor woman somewhere, at some time, was coerced into buying the above items be being told "Look how sporty it makes you look!" or "You look so young and hip!". If these items were never pawned off as stylish on the larger crowd, I think a lot of us would be much happier walking down the street.

That is all.

(In no way is this meant to be offensive to anyone. These are merely thoughts I found myself thinking about today.)

Oh, and I almost forgot. I worked for YEARS in multiple retail stores. Is it really so difficult to keep the maternity clothing out of the big lady section?? (And yes, Goodwill is the culprit here, but I'm looking at you too Target!)

A Little Thing

2011-03-01T20:47:00.001-06:00

I have been sick with a head cold/flu-type thing since Friday. Not that I'm complaining about it, it's just relevent to this post.

Tonight I asked my nephews Noah (4) and Declan (2 1/2) to pray that Jesus would make me feel better. Noah took my hand in his and placed his other hand on top of mine, closed his eyes and said "Jesus, help Sarah feel good. Amen." Then Declan put his little hand on my arm, closed his eyes and said, "Jesus, thank you for this food. Bless it to our bodies. Amen."

While I couldn't help but laugh a little, I was so blessed that they actually prayed for me. They were so genuine and serious in it as well. And in thinking about Declan's prayer, I was overwhelmed with how much God loves us. Declan was simply praying the one prayer he knows, yet God knows his heart in what he was asking for.

I love that God doesn't care about the words we use to pray with, how fancy or ornate a prayer is, but that He simply loves for us to come to Him. And in our small faith, He sorts it all out because He knows our hearts.

I love Jesus so much.

God Made Dirt & Dirt Don't Hurt

2011-02-27T20:11:00.003-06:00

Today my friend Mary Elizabeth told me she loves my blog so much that I could write about dirt and she'd find it fascinating. While flattered, I told her that this New Year's Resolution of updating the blog once a week has become more challenging than I anticipated. I mean come on, once a week something worth writing about should happen or occur to me, right? Wrong. So I'm taking her up on the challenge; I am going to write about dirt.

~*~

When I was a kid I was a pretty big tomboy. No, that's not accurate. When I think of a tomboy I think sports. I've never been a sporty girl. I was, however, a tough girl. All of my free time was spent outside. If I wasn't at school or doing some chore inside, I was out there. I was the only girl in my neighborhood my age, but there were lots of boys. Having 2 brothers, I became the girl in the sea of boys. I'd race my bike with them, play Ghost in the Graveyard with them, climb trees with them, pretty much whatever the boys were doing I was doing. But this is a story about dirt, so let's move along.

The place you could find me most often was in my neighbor Virginia's garden. Virginia was my grama's age and she had a nice big flower garden all along the side and back of her house. None of the houses in my neighborhood had fences, so it was like one huge yard behind all our houses. Virginia's garden was lined with bricks, some that were so deep into the ground you'd barely notice them. She didn't mind me poking around in there as long as I put everything back the way she had it. In fact, she kept a brown grocery bag on her back porch full of peanuts for all us neighborhood kids to snack on.

My favorite thing was digging up those bricks and finding the bugs underneath. My mom would save all the jars from mayonnaise, jelly, jalapeno peppers anything that was glass and had a lid was reserved for me. She'd take a hammer and steak knife and punch holes through the lids and then put them in the pantry. I would then take them as needed. I'd usually take as many as I could outside with me and then the digging would begin.

I'd spend hours overturning those bricks. I'd start in the front of the house, work my way up the side and end at the back where I'd pop a couple of peanuts and go back to the begining and do it again. Usually I'd find mostly worms and potato bugs. But my absolute favorite was when I'd slowly pick up a brick and there would be a huge beetle! My heart would always beat wildly with anticipation as I'd loosen the brick from the earth and sloooowly pick it up so as not to disturb whatever was living underneath it.

I was a bug girl for sure. I loved them. I had jars lining my bedroom full of them. My dad had some bug books that he gave me and I would study them. When I'd find a new bug I would read up on it so I could care for it while it shared my room with me. Did you know bugs have certain smells? Depending on the bugs, my room had a certain buggy scent. But I even loved that.

May & June where my favorite bug months because that was when the junebugs where out. Every year I would catch the biggest one I could find and give it fresh maple leaves daily. I wasn't too clever in naming them, because every year the one I'd keep would be named, appropriately, June.

You'd have been hard pressed to find a day when I didn't have dirt under my nails, on my face, in my hair or on my clothes. I bent plenty of kitchen spoons attempting to reach the bugs that would go down their hole before I could snatch them up.

Every year I had a Bug Zoo on our sunporch. I would line all my bug's up, write up little cards with descriptions of the bug such as it's name, what it ate, it's lifeline and any interesting facts. I'd charge all the neighborhood kids whatever coins they had to get in. It was a constant rotation of bugs. At the end of the summer, we'd all go to the corner store and buy tons of candy with the dollars I'd made over the season.

I once made a worm farm. All you need for a worm farm is a large mayonnaise jar and a smaller jar that fits inside it. Fill the space between the two jars with dirt and add worms. Keep the dirt wet, but not too wet, and soon you'll have baby worms crawling around in there like you wouldn't believe. My worm farm was at it's peak when it disappeared. I was wrecked. All my baby worms and mom and dad worms were going to shrivel up and die! To this day I have no clue where that worm farm went, but I have a hunch my mom had something to do with it.

The reason I think she had something to do with that was because of this--my most prized possession was my caterpillar brain. And sure, maybe it wasn't so much a brain as it was a skull or something like a skull, but it fascinated me. I kept it in my top dresser drawer right next to my prized troll with hot pink hair. That also disappeared. My mom did tell me she threw that one out, but she claimed it was an accident. I was hysterical for weeks after that.

Dirt was a constant part of my childhood. I wore it proudly. And to this day, there is something about being out in the yard gardening that makes a part of me come alive. Especially when I see a bug crawling around in the dirt. Suddenly I find that I'm not a 32 year old woman who works a professional job and has bills and responsibilities, but I am an 8 year old girl lost in a world that is never as far away as it feels.

The Whole Truth (And Nothing But)

2011-02-19T19:04:00.010-06:00

I am going to tell you something that not too many people know. Every since I was fifteen, I have dealt with an anxiety disorder. I don't necessarily like to say, “I have an anxiety disorder” so much as “I sometimes have a hard time in life like everyone else”. But the truth of the matter is that I have been diagnosed by more than one doctor with this quote, unquote, disorder. I have been on all sorts of medications for the majority of my life trying to control it.

The funny thing about being a Christian with this, is that it's hard to talk about. In the Bible it's clearly stated that so much of our battle is in the mind. How then do you explain that it's not a normal battle to deal with anxiety in this way? If I were iron deficient, nobody would think twice if I took an iron pill daily. My body is deficient, in it's serotonin production. I take a daily serotonin pill. It's not that big of deal to me.

Moving away from the tricky part, I mainly wanted to talk about my personal experiences. One reason I genuinely feel grateful for this “disorder”, is that I know how much I need God to show up in my every day life. There are literally days when as I'm driving to work or wherever, I am crying out to God that if He doesn't make Himself known to me there is no way I will be able to get through the day. My body will physically and mentally begin to shut down if He doesn't see me through it. While days like that are not what I would call fun, they are extremely rewarding in knowing Him in every moment of my day. Of knowing His peace that surpasses all human understanding guards my heart and mind through His Son, Christ Jesus. At the risk of sounding super cheesy, it is through the lowest lows of this “disorder” that I have come to truly know Him intimately.

I have had a good long run of not dealing with anxiety on a regular basis. I chalk this up to God's grace, faithfulness, mercy; wisdom He's given to man to create medications; and a very small amount of credit I give to the tricks I've learned along the way. However, this past December there began a shift. I started noticing anxiety popping up quite a bit. Since then, it's increased even more, to almost a daily basis again of having to battle this thing. I have been considering what's changed. Nothing has changed physically, so that just leaves the spiritual.

On this past November 14th, there was a combined meeting. (I attend Living Light Christian Church, and there are three congregations, one in Kenosha, one in Racine and one in Pleasant Prairie and about once a quarter we all have a big Sunday meeting together.) Two prophetic words came that I just knew were hugely significant for me and where I was at in life. The basic gist of them was God is doing a work in us, adding layer upon layer and embellishments like a piece of clothing and as you feel the needle go through know that it's Him adding layer up on layer and to look to Him and to trust Him. The other was that God is not just going to do a patch job, but that He's going to open and expose the rotting, weak parts of ourselves and tear them away, reinforce them and build them up stronger. Like I said, I knew these were specifically for me and as they were brought I just stood there, hands in the air, tears running down my face, heart fully surrendered.

I knew that one area of my life that He was addressing was my obedience to Him in bringing prophetic words in a corporate setting, songs in particular. For years He has given me songs to sing over His Church and for years I have cowered away. Sure, there were times when I would bring things, but not with the consistency with which He was speaking to me. I made a decision then to share whatever He gave me from then on, no matter what. So I do. And it's been great and amazing to see Him use me in this way. I love how in me simply being obedient, He blesses his people. I'm sure I will reach a point where it is simply second nature for me to bring His Word, but until it does, I am simply choosing obedience to Him.

What does all this have to do with the recent anxiety flare up you ask? I'll tell you. I have an enemy. And he is not an original enemy. He only has his same old tricks to pull out of his measly little bag. I believe that this “unexplainable” surge in my anxiety levels are nothing other than him trying to silence me and shut me down from bringing what the Lord is saying to me. And I'm none too happy about it. So I fight. Whether or not I win this battle, in the grand scheme of the war He wins, and therefore so do I. So if I have days of defeat, glory to God. And if I have days of victory, all the more glory to God!

These are truths I always know are true, no matter what state my physical mind is in. And even though I might not be able to go to a big work party (like the one I'm skipping tonight), I am victorious in Him. And His grace is sufficient for me. He truly is my everything. I love Him so much this physical body cannot express it or hold it.

So if in His grace and goodness He has hand-chosen me for this battle, I am all in.

Your Love Is Strong

by The Spark

I was lost within a hopeless life

I was blinded by a darkness

I could not fight

Then You took the scales off my eyes

Your love is strong

My ransom paid on Calvary

You were hung on a tree

that all the while was meant for me

Death broken in Your victory

Your love is strong

Amazing love

How can it be?

You chose to come and

give Your life for me

Amazing grace

Such awesome power!

Spirit come set this heart on fire

Through the cross You have made a way

You have carried all my burdens

and broken every chain

You've taken all my sin and shame

Your love is strong

Now You have caused my heart to sing
and I will come boldly
and worship at Your feet
Your Spirit now alive in me
Your love is strong

Amazing love
How can it be?
You chose to come
and give your life for me
Amazing grace
Such awesome power!
Spirit come set this heart on fire

Your love is strong enough to save

Your love

is more than enough for me

Your love

nothing can separate me from you

Something About My Real Life

2011-02-09T16:48:00.004-06:00

I am in a writer's group called Solace. It is currently comprised of myself, Lauren, Sarah and Mary Elizabeth. We meet weekly and give ourselves homework. This week Sarah said, “Why don't we all write a blog entry about something about our life?”. To which I quickly replied, “Why? What are we all currently blogging about?”.

But I get the point.

Unlike privately keeping a journal, in a blog you can paint yourself any which way you please. Instead of baring your soul and letting all the ugly out, you can write about butterflies and daffodils and the witty things you said at work. In thinking about this, I was reminded of a list (more like a stream of consciousness really) that I wrote in high school. It was simply titled “I Will Always...” and it listed a ton of things that I thought at the time I would always do. I came across this a while ago and smiled at that young girl. What was amazing though, was that I still do the majority of things on that list. I will have to look for it and post it on here in the near future. For now though, I thought maybe I would write a new one. Looking back on that list was like a time capsule of my 16 year old self. Why not time capsule my 32 year old self too? And that way maybe you can get a snippet into who I really am, on a day to day basis.

I Will Always...

Love the color orange above all others. Love the idea of being an amazing gardener, even if I'm only a mildly okay one. Love rice in my tomato soup. Prefer tea over coffee, but rarely turn down either. Secretly really like the color pink. Prefer to have my nails painted. Put cheap gas in my car. Love the scent of rain, lavender and cinnamon. Love mangoes. Favor being barefoot. Wear my heart on my sleeve. Be partial to my rose colored glasses. Love the sunshine. Love rainy days. Keep the radio on if my favorite song's playing, no matter how staticky it gets. Dream big. Lose myself in books and movies. Love Jesus more than any man. Love my nephews like they were my own. Be partial to the “small” forks and the “big” spoons. Have music playing. Wish people didn't put up walls (myself included). Long for home, even though that childhood place has been gone for close to two decades now. Want a dog. Heck, even a cat would work. Be somewhat messy. Love long drives on warm summer nights. Be a loud laugher. Secretly laugh to myself at everyday life occurrences, especially those which only I notice. Really, honestly, genuinely love life (the good and the bad). Love crisp autumn mornings. Consider my childhood best friend my best friend. Love hats, even if I don't look very good in them. Wish for an art room dedicated to only my multitude of hobbies. Play the music in my car a little too loudly. Dance like I don't know what I'm doing (because I don't). Love wintertime. Be vulnerable. Be real. Be full of joy.

The Chronicles Of My Embarrassment

2011-02-09T16:05:00.001-06:00

I do not have an awkward meter, per se. While most people (I'm told) can feel awkward or embarrassed on a regular basis, I can pretty much count on one hand how many times I've actually felt that way. People are always talking about things being “like so awkward” or “super embarrassing” and I have a hard time relating to that. Even when they tell me the story of why they felt that way, I cannot see any reason to feel that way. I love this about myself.

I'm not sure why I don't have this meter. Don't get me wrong, I've definitely felt embarrassed before, however it's only ever been by my own doing. I don't really get embarrassed because someone made me embarrassed, only when I do it to myself. And even then it is very rare. I could recount my tales of embarrassment to you, and I almost want to say the average human would not be able to physically handle the level of which I embarrass myself. Not that I think I'm high and mighty in any way, it's just the truth of the matter. The faces of my friends and coworkers when I tell them how I've embarrassed myself tell me that they themselves could not have moved on from such a situation.

This is a funny thing for me to write about because to me it seems like a non-issue. It's not something I deal with, or ever have dealt with really. But it fascinates people. How can someone not hardly ever feel embarrassed, they wonder. I do not have the answer to that. But for your entertainment, I will share a few stories. Some of them have already been shared on this blog, but it's been a long time now, so I feel fine to share them again.

I present to you, The Chronicles Of My Embarrassment:

-Episode One-

When I was 12 my family went to Wisconsin Dells. I had this bright yellow bathing suit that was too big for me so my mom folded the straps over and sewed them down and every year she'd let it out a little bit. Everyone was laying on these lounge chairs resting after walking around the park all day. I went and stood under this large mushroom shaped thing that had water pouring around the edges of it. I was just standing there, letting the water run over me, when suddenly my Aunt Donna looked over towards me and started laughing hysterically and pointing. I turned to see what was so funny, but I couldn't see anything. My dad sat up to see what she was laughing at, except instead of laughing he had this look of horror on his face and came running towards me. I didn't understand why until he reached down and pulled my too big bathing suit up from my ankles and helped me get it back on. Curse that mushroom rushing water thing.

-Episode Two-

A few years ago I came home from work and was in a big rush to get to my friend Adam's house for a taco dinner. It is important for you to know that I was wearing a black cotton skirt. I came home, took a quick shower, picked my black cotton skirt back up off the floor and put it on, finished getting ready and ran out the door. I had to stop at the store for tortilla chips, and I noticed a lot of people looking at me. I thought I must be looking dang good and felt really confident and flattered. I finally got to Adam's and we were sitting around talking waiting for everyone else to show up. I got up to get a cup of water and as I got to the kitchen I heard him yell, "why do you have a big white sticker on your butt?" I replied, "What? No I don't!" I spun my skirt around to look at the back of it, and much to my horror I realized that it wasn't a bit white sticker, but a pantyliner! I ran into the bathroom and peeled it off my skirt and threw it away. As I was about to go back out to the kitchen, it dawned on me that that was the reason everyone in the store was staring at me! I was THAT girl that everyone wanted to say something to but didn't know how! I felt my face go red. I went back in to the living room and sat back on the couch, staring straight ahead. Adam said, "I thought you were getting some water?" I said, "oh yeah" and got back up. I suddenly just started laughing hysterically, I couldn't help it! He just looked at me like I was crazy. I managed go squeak out, "Adam, that wasn't a sticker on my skirt, it was a feminine product, and I went to the grocery store like that!" We were dying of laughter. I still to this day have no idea how that got on my skirt.

-Episode Three-

Before this story begins you need to know that I have two brothers, one named Luke and one named John. You also need to know that for John's entire life Luke and I have called him 'huge'. I'm not sure why exactly, but I think it's something to do with the size of his head as a child. Moving on...

This past New Year's Day I went to my cousins house for a big family dinner. Afterward when everyone but me had left, I asked her and her husband if they knew any guys they could potentially set me up with. They said they did and invited me round the next day to watch the game (ie, the Packer game, is there any other??). The next day I went round and the moment I walked in the door I knew that this was not the man for me. But you can never meet too many people or have too many friends so I stuck around. We laughed, we talked, we watched the game. Normal stuff. Except for my family who apparently lack any and all sense of appropriateness in a “setting someone up” situation. When I first got there, after I met John, I took off my coat and said I needed to use the bathroom (which I did). After I came back from the bathroom, my entire family had moved around in order that I had to sit next to John on the loveseat. At one point John asked if my cousin could make coffee to which my aunt replied, “Coffee?! Sarah loves coffee!”. I shot her a menacing glance and said, “Yeah, who doesn't?”. So this went on throughout the entire game (which we won, by the way). Also, this guy John was actually pretty funny. He had recently lost 100lbs, which is awesome! He and my aunt talked about this and how he did it for almost the entire length of the game. After we won, I started to put on my coat and my cousin said, “You can't leave, we're going to play Apples to Apples!”. So I stayed. Heck, I love that game! We had played a few rounds when the word 'huge' came up. Everyone threw their cards in and as we were waiting for my aunt to figure out which card best fit with 'huge', I suddenly started laughing. And out of my mouth came the words, “Oh man! Too bad I didn't have a card that said John!”. I laughed ridiculously loud. I realized no one else was laughing and slowly looked up from my cards as to why. Everyone, and I mean all of my crazy family, were staring at me with looks of horror, humor and distress upon their faces. Out of the corner of my eye I see the guy (who had just talked for over 3 hours about losing 100lbs) turn his head towards me. It was at that moment that I remembered his name was John. As his head is turning he says, “Oooookay...”. I cannot contain myself. I am laughing as hard as I can ever remember laughing. I am crying. I am mortified. My entire family also busts out laughing hysterically. My aunts are crying, my cousins husband is on the floor. This is awful! This guy John thinks we're all laughing at him!!! No one can get out why we're laughing. I'm dying a slow death when finally my one aunt spits out that I didn't mean him, I meant my brother John. To which he replies, “Why would you call someone that?”. I now have tears and snot and sweat pouring down my face I am laughing so hard. Everyone else does too. My aunt sputters something about a big baby while we all fight for our breath in fits of laughter.

Yeah. THAT was embarrassing.

Death & All His Friends

2011-01-26T17:01:00.004-06:00

Ask me what I did this past weekend and I'd have to really think about it to come up with the answer. Loosely translated, I did nothing of much significance. It was just another weekend in my life, neither memorable nor noteworthy.

One town over it was playing out completely differently for my coworker J. What started out, no doubt, as an ordinary weekend, turned into one of the most horrific of her life. Her husband went out late Saturday evening to go snowmobiling. Something normal, something he went out to do regularly. But due to the repeated thawing and freezing, his usual route was covered in ice. But still, it was not too bad to turn back home. But once further up the trail, as he neared the railroad tracks, he lost control of the snowmobile. I'm not sure entirely of all the details; what I do know is that he slammed into the iron railroad guard rail, flew off his snowmobile, and died of massive head trauma.

I knew nothing of this until Monday when I came to work. The whole office was somber. J doesn't work in my branch, but I have served on several committees with her through my years working there. J is now a widow at the age of 36. Her children, ages 14 and 9, are fatherless.

Grief was back in my life.

Grief, for me, is one of those things that's never too far off. He's always lingering somewhere in the back of my mind. He never seems to leave me be for too long. And it doesn't seem to matter how removed a situation actually is from me; He will just sock me right in the gut at the mere mention of a tragedy. I didn't know J's husband. It in no way tangibly affects my life that her husband is gone. I can't even remember the last time I saw J. Yet my mind has been in overdrive praying for and thinking of her, my heart has been breaking and crying out to God for her and her children.

The interesting thing to me about death, loss, grief, is that just when you think the elevator of 'how low you could possibly go' hits the bottom floor, it lurches down another floor deeper. And yet, there is something of the human spirit that cannot be held down there for too long. It is my experience that your spirit will start pulling you up and out much sooner than you may feel prepared. As does time. I have felt cheated by time, pulling on me to move on much sooner than I would have liked too. And yet, even in the depths of loss, life can be found.

A natural example of this is my lavender plant. I bought a lavender plant this past summer and it thrived. Then one day I woke up and it had inexplicably died overnight. Instead of throwing the whole thing away, I simply cut the entire thing down to a stub. I left it in the sun and continued to water it regularly. A few months later it made a comeback. At first it was just one measly little stalk that started to grow up. I felt sad that it wasn't the glorious plant it used to be, but soldiered on taking care of it. Right when that stalk really started looking good, it too died. Frustrated, I gave up on it. It sat on my shelf for a few weeks, still giving off the heady aroma of lavender. Then, suddenly, out of that dead stalk I noticed new growth shooting right out the middle of it. And now, a few more months later, there's even more growth.

Life and death are like this. Right when things seem the most hopeless, the most drear, life will come forth. Life will always come forth.

And that is the beauty of it all.

Reasons I Love Winter

2011-01-22T14:52:00.003-06:00

Many people have recently asked me why I love winter so much. The short answer is "there are many reasons", and nobody likes that answer. So here's the long answer...

I grew up here, in the southeast corner of Wisconsin. While we don't get the worst (the best?) of winter, we definitely get winter. I was born in the Blizzard of '79, as it's known around these parts. My entire family was stuck sleeping and living in the waiting room of the hosiptal for three days because they couldn't leave. Doctors and nurses were being brought in to the hospital on snowmobiles because cars were out of the question. I'm told (yearly) that it was so bad that once the roads were able to be plowed, when you were at an intersection you couldn't actually see any of the cars coming from the opposite direction due to the walls of snow. People put long poles on their radio antennas and flew hunter orange flags at the top to let other people know there was a car on the other side of that wall of snow.

This is the reason my mother gives for why I like winter so much.

While it's true that I grew up loving winters in Wisconsin, I also loved (and still do love) the summers, springs and autumns. I generally love all of the seasons, for wildly different reasons. And maybe that's my secret, loving it all. Yet for some reason, people are shocked when you say you love the wintertime.

Usually what happens (at work anyway) is a conversation like this:

Me - "Hello"

Unsuspecting Person - "Hi"

Me - "How are you doing today?"

UP - "Cold, sore from shoveling and some idiot almost killed me because he was driving too fast on my way here."

Me - (laughing) "I'm sorry to hear that."

UP - "Yeah well that about sums up winter doesn't it? It just sucks here in the winter."

(at this point my coworkers wince because they know what's coming)

Me - "Oh I'm not who you should be complaining to about winter. I love it!"

UP - "What?? What's to love about this godforsaken season??"

Me - "Oh I love everything about it! The snow, the bundling up, the adventure of it, you know?"

At this point they ususally just go on and on about how horrible it is or how I must not have to shovel (which I don't, but I have had to in the past and it never made my love of winter waver).

What I can never get across is that winter is full of quiet romance, and I love that.

Snuggling up on a cold night in a warm house, drinking tea by the steaming cupfuls, the rhythmic chopping of winter vegetables to make soups and stews, making hot cocoa for the kids while they're out playing in the freshly fallen snow (okay I don't have kids, but I do live with 3 of them), cozy sweaters, steamed up windows, frosted windows, flickering candles, dark inviting evenings, the idea of everyone snuggling up in their warm house on the coldest nights, the picture of rows of houses whose windows blaze with warmth while the sky outside is turning to a deep dark blue. The trees naked and coated in ice, the deep settling in feeling, blankets, hot oatmeal breakfasts, the dazzling colors of a winter sunrise, and a big yellow moon rising over the frozen cold white land. The fat fluffy snow, the beauty of the sun after days of clouds, feeling the suns warmth in your home while sitting near the window, the adventure of driving up to the store a mile away for something much needed in the middle of a massive snowstorm. The starkness, the nakedness and vulnerablity of nature. Everything is undercover and waiting. The anticipation and expectation of spring is overwhelming at times. The longing, the hope of what's to come. I love it all.

I especially love afternoons like this one. Quiet, reflectivly writing thoughts while nature creaks and moans outside my window as I sip tea.

So maybe that answers it, maybe it doesn't. Maybe it's a silly reason like I'd way rather be cold than hot. You can always add more clothes, drink hot drinks, take hot baths, but when you're hot there's only so much you can take off. Or maybe it's just something in me that causes me to love all of life, even the winters.

A huge part of me thinks that life is what you make of it. And I'd much rather love everything about life and find joy in it all instead of wasting my energy hating something that I know will always come every year until I decide to take myself out of it. Optimisim--it has it's perks!

Ruminations - 1/13/11

2011-01-13T11:32:00.002-06:00

Today I am thirty two years old. So far I feel no different. That's the funny thing about birthdays. I've always thought all my life that I'd feel different at certain ages, somehow forgetting that any other day it would simply be 'tomorrow'. I've never actually felt different though. Yet I continue to think I will every year. I still don't feel like an adult, let alone a 32 year old woman. The part that fascinates (and slightly scares me) is that when I talk to my Grama (she's going to be 76 this year), she says that never changes, that she feels the same she did when she was my age, but she looks different, everyone's grown up and moved on and she's just sitting in that big house all alone feeling like she's never aged. Age and time boggle the mind.

I made a list of things I'd like to do in 2010. I didn't do hardly any of them. I don't know if that's due to lofty thinking when I made the list or if it's because of laziness/lack of focus. Hmm. I think instead of making a new list for 2011, I'll just keep working off the 2010 list. I'll just re-title it :)

I'm re-reading Bridget Jones' Diary again. I love that book. I can see so much of myself in Bridget. That sort of scares me, but mostly makes me laugh.

Usually around the New Year and my Birthday (yes I did just capitalize that) I can feel super introspective. This year that didn't happen too too much, just a little. Maybe that's the change in getting older? Or maybe I just missed the Writing Opportunity Boat by thinking instead of writing? If we're being honest, that is generally the case for me. Too much thinking, not enough writing. I think I should quit thinking and just write. It doesn't matter so much that it comes out messy, just that it comes out. I need to stop being afraid of writing something dumb. Even if I do write something dumb, it's still more than most people write. Haha, yes, this is the new plan for 2011! Fear be gone!

And ideally, ideally, I would like to attempt to update the ole blog at least once a week. That doesn't seem too daunting. Although if we're keeping track I'm technically behind. Unless we start from today, my birthday, instead of the first of the year. Yes, that is what we shall do!

Embracing Loneliness

2010-10-20T16:10:00.001-05:00

In the quiet, in the stillness

I know that You are God

In the secret of Your presence

I know there I am restored

When You call I won't refuse

Each new day again I'll choose

There is no one else for me

None but Jesus

Crucified to set me free

Now I live to bring Him praise

In the chaos, in confusion

I know You're Sovereign still

In the moment of my weakness

You give me grace to do Your will

When You call I won't delay

This my song through all my days

All my delight is in You Lord

All of my hope, all of my strength

All my delight is in You Lord forevermore

I am a human being. I get lonely. For whatever reason, I don't think it's okay for me as a Christian to be lonely. I realize this is a ridiculous thing to think, but somewhere along the line it's become ingrained in my mind. That makes me feeling lonely a miserable thing. Not only do I feel lonely, but I also feel condemned in it. I want to change this about myself.

I was recently hanging out with my new good friend Becca Christian. We were talking about this very thing. She said something that was eye opening for me. I'm sure that in all my conversations with people about this subject that they've all said similar things, but for whatever reason that day the way she said it resonated deep in my heart.

She challenged me to embrace feeling lonely. Not to run away from it (which is what I do), but to be totally honest with God and just say 'God, I love you, and I know you love me, and this is where I'm at. Please meet me in it.'. Now, I understand that this isn't the most mind blowing revelation. In the simplicity of this truth of how we as Christians should deal with everything, I found myself comforted. I don't know why I had never thought of doing this before, but I am doing it now. Sure, I still feel lonely, but I'm not alone in that feeling if that makes any sense.

So whenever Loneliness sneaks up on me, I now give it a big ole hug and ask it how it's been instead of running away screaming. If anything, I'm becoming more polite!

Untitled

2010-10-02T15:29:00.001-05:00

I am very aware of my lack of blogging as of late. But please be encouraged it's only because I've been writing so much!!! Stay tuned for more to come...

Oh--and I've lost 17.2lbs & 29 inches so far on the diet.

September 11, 2001

2010-09-11T09:15:00.001-05:00

     On Tuesday, September 11, 2001, I had an 8 o'clock class at UW-Parkside. I was running late as I got into my car to go, frustrated that I slammed my wrap skirt in the car door. I remember wondering if I had time to stop for coffee. As I started the car, my frustration grew as my local rock station wasn't playing rock music at all, but some sort of staticky, strange broadcast. As I drove through town I flipped through the radio trying to find music. Finally as I realized they were all playing the same broadcast, I decided to listen. I drove, shocked at what they were saying. Two planes had hit the World Trade Center towers. The man on the radio sounded bewildered, shocked and confused as he was speaking. It reflected perfectly how I felt. I remember driving with my mouth hanging open, looking at people next to me at stoplights, the recognition in their eyes too. We were all moving through town as one. A city hundreds of miles away that I have never been too was suddenly so dear and precious to me. I was praying fervently as I listened.

     At school chaos and rumors and fears roamed the halls with the students. As I was walking in I ran into my friend Tom who told me he had heard there were 11 other planes hijacked and headed towards major cities throughout the country (this obviously turned out to be false, but it was a rampant rumor on campus). Fear gripped my heart. Students were all over campus running to their rooms or the computer labs, trying to get ahold of loved ones. It was as if the whole of the nation was suddenly a suburb of New York City. We all wanted to make sure our loved ones were safe.

     I stumbled, now 30 minutes late, into my English War Lit class. It was odd, they were going on as if nothing had happened. As I took a seat my professor eyed me. I raised my hand. He was clearly annoyed that I was interupting his discussion of Catch-22. When he called on me I asked if they knew planes where crashing into the Twin Towers. He said they did, that it was old news, did I think I was the only person who knew about it. This disturbed me so much. How could he not care, how could these people sit here and be in class when this was happening. I left class. I went to the computer lab and emailed my dad. He works in Chicago and I was concerned for him because there was also a rumor that all major cities were being evacuated. He emailed me back immediately that he was okay, they were all huddled around a small portable TV someone happened to have in their car. They weren't working, they were keeping each other company, people in his office clinging to one another. I called my friend Kristen who was a flight attendent. She didn't answer and that bothered me. Her voicemail box was full, so I couldn't leave a message. Everyone was probably worried about her.

     Back at home, the family I was living with was huddled around the TV. I joined them. We sat and watched all day as Peter Jennings kept going, reporting what was coming in as fast as possible. We were stunned. Tears fell down all our faces that day. We sat and watched all day and late into the night. I don't think I slept at all that night. At about 4am I quit trying and went back down to watch the news again. They were all there too. Nobody could sleep. Peter Jennings included, he broadcast live for two days straight through.

     They say nothing bonds you more to someone than going through a tragedy together. I had never felt so bonded to my country before. I had never felt so connected to people, those that were known to me and those that were unknown. As the stories of heroism and small victories came out, I felt their triumph. As families on TV wandered through Ground Zero, I felt their grief and shock. As the Towers fell and that video of that tsunami of wreckage racing down the street aired, I felt the panic and fear of those people running for cover.

     And now, nine years later, I can still feel it all.

     I was watching The History Channel last night. There was a program on about 9/11 Conspiracies. I felt so outraged, so betrayed almost by these American people who think that this could have possibly have been brought on by our government. I thought that this must be such a small group of people who think this way, those who call themselves "Truthers", but then driving to work this morning I saw signs up and down one of the main roads I drive for a "Truth Conference". I don't know much about the government, but as a Christian, I do know that God has placed these men and women as our leaders, regardless of who you voted for. I pray for these people, and I honestly believe that the majority have our best interests at heart. It is shocking to me that these extremists can be so full of pride that they can't acknowledge a defeat. That they can't acknowledge the lives that were taken or the lives that were forever changed by these events. How can we as a country move forward if we can't even realize the event was real?

     One thing I absolutely loved in the aftermath of 9/11 was the community. How we all came together. How it didn't matter who was next to you, we all held held hands and joined together. It was beautiful.

     I'm currently reading a book by Sarah Cunningham. I think she sums it up perfectly in this passage--

The immediate and generous response of our small city, which—on a normal day—is six hundred and fifty miles from Ground Zero, made it seem like New York was our next door neighbor. Thus, by the time all the follow-up emails and phone calls had been exchanged and we announced our clearance to help man the Salvation Army’s relief stations in New York, Jackson was falling all over itself to support our new endeavor.

Before this point, recruiting volunteers or donations for service projects sometimes felt more like asking people to give up vital organs while they were still living and in need of them. After the towers fell, however, asking for help became akin to asking people for a simple cup of water. Residents arrived weighed down by armfuls of donations, as if the items they were bringing poured out of their faucets for free.

~Excerpt from Part IV of Picking Dandelions: A Search for Eden Among Life’s Weeds

     If there's one thing I learned from 9/11, it's that we are all so much alike in our humanity. We all need to believe in the good of each other, we all feel the same things, we all long for Someone bigger than ourselves to intervene.

     When I think about the things going on now regarding 9/11, the conspiracies, the pastor in Florida with his Koran burning, the taxi driver in New York who was stabbed when asked if he was Muslim by a man with a multi-faith peace group background and the mosque that wants to be built near the site of Ground Zero, I can't help but think that we are all the same. We are all fearful on some level, we are all wanting justice, we are all trying to make sense out of such an extreme act of terror. I am not trying to justify any of these things, but I am trying to understand where they are coming from.

     Maybe if we all learned to love each other, these things wouldn't happen. Love is so strong. As a Christian, I am called to love my neighbor as myself. 9/11 is a good reminder for me. How am I doing in my love? Who have I loved lately that might be deemed unlovable by others? Have I been building walls or tearing them down?

     Spirit come, rain down on me. You're everything that I need.

My Story, Part 1

2010-09-08T14:12:00.007-05:00

I grew up in Midwest town called Kenosha, Wisconsin. My dad was a pastor at a Pentecostal church, and that church was the background of my childhood. So many memories and main events of my childhood took place there. All my best friends grew up there with me. Friends from school would tease me about being religious, but they just didn't know how great it was on the inside. To grow up a part of such a tight knit community and positive atmosphere was great. I felt as if I was on the very pulse of life.

Big Sunday dinners of roast, mashed potatoes and gravy, corn, homemade biscuits with butter and honey, honey glazed carrots and so on and so forth. Every Sunday and every Wednesday, Robert, the church organist and perpetual bachelor, would come over to eat with us. Without fail he would show up every time with pie from Baker's Square. Key Lime, Lemon Meringue, Boston Crème, French Silk, you name it we had it multiple times. Life was chock full of church choir rehearsals, Christmas & Easter Cantata's, Christmas & Easter Children's Productions, church picnics, Heaven's Gates & Hell's Flames Drama's, Sunday School, Cell Groups, sleepovers, day trips, Summer Camp, Winter Camp and so much more.

The home I grew up in was full of laughter, life, singing, music, family meals and had a rotating door. We had people living with us all the time. Very few others did this in our church, but we took in those who needed help. Our house was the neighborhood hang out for all the neighborhood kids. Sunday nights after the evening service we would invite people back to our house for ice cream and nachos. While the adults would chat, us kids would sit with our bowls of ice cream and nachos and watch The Three Stooges or The Discovery Channel. During the week my two younger brothers and I would wake up and get ready for the day, eat breakfast and then we'd have our Family Devotions. Dad got us all One Year Bible's for Christmas one year and we would read from it every morning together. Then we'd be off to school only to come home to mom's warm chocolate chip cookies, then we'd do our homework, watch a little TV, come in for a big family dinner and then play outside til bedtime where mom and dad would pray over us and tuck us in every night.

Thinking back on all this seems like such a fairytale, but growing up in it made it normal. I thought everyone had wonderful lives like mine. Obviously as I grew older I began to realize this wasn't true. But it was still so far from me that it didn't seem like it could really be that bad for people. Surely life couldn't be so hard as friends at school said their home lives were. I went to public schools. I was the only one of my friends who did. My parents didn't want us growing up in such a Christian bubble and wanted us to learn how to relate to the “real world”.

Yet still it took me a long time to understand that not every little girl had wonderful memories of her braids flicking in the wind as she rode on the back of her dad's bicycle or of her mom taking her out on Mother/Daughter days of shopping. Not every family went on walks together through the neighborhood after dinner or looked forward to the family vacation every year or did Family Devotions.

And even though my safe little world popped like the big bubble it was when I was fourteen, I wouldn't trade it for anything. For a short time in my life, everything was perfect. And even though my memories of that time are rosier than they maybe really were, it seems impossible for me to stop thinking of them in that way. I am so thankful for the family and home I was born into.

Something Hungry This Way Comes

2010-09-06T18:07:00.001-05:00

I wasn't going to tell anyone about this, but just let them notice. However, I feel too excited not to talk about it! (Shocking, I know)

I am dieting. I am not a very good dieter. I don't even like to say I'm dieting, I like to say lofty things like, I'm making a lifestyle change. Which is ultimately true, but just sounds so hokey to me. Especially in the begining.

But I am committed.

Plus, it's only for 80 days. So that doesn't seem unbearable in the grand scheme of life.

Today is Day 4. I've already lost 4lbs. This is maybe the last time I'll write about this sort of thing on my blog, so don't worry I'm not returning to my blogging roots. (What do you mean? You didn't know this blog started out as a weight loss blog?!? Well it did. You simply have to look at my first posts to figure that one out.)

If you want more details of what I'm doing, you won't find them here, you'll just have to ask me.

I thought that if I told all of you, I would become more committed because suddenly you all know.

I don't necessarily want to talk about it either. It's just easier for me if I sort of ignore it, don't think about it. Cause once you start thinking about what you're doing...well, let's just say it's easy to freak out and stop doing it. :)

September

2010-09-01T13:37:00.004-05:00

is here!!!

My Tempestuous Affair With Writing

2010-08-30T11:07:00.003-05:00

I am on vacation this week. I strategically planned it so that I am only taking 5 days vacation, but have 10 days off! Even though it's August 30th, it sounds so far away to say I don't go back to work until September 7th. September! Oh how I love that month! And October!

But I am getting off course...

I attended a writer's workshop this past Saturday. It was hosted by Sarah Cunningham. She is a published Christian author, currently has 2 books in print, and countless articles, blog posts, ect. I have never attended an actual writer's workshop before, and I must admit that I loved it! I feel so motivated and refreshed!

I've always considered myself a writer. I started journaling at age 7 (well, it was like 3 weeks before my 8th birthday, so I usually say when I was 8) and haven't stopped since. Poetry, short stories, I've always been writing something. But then, at the tail end of what you might call the most tumultuous years of my life came the absolutely hardest event of my entire life. And with it came some of the best writing I've every done. But that only lasted for 10 days. From October 29th-November 9th 2000, I wrote my best as I was at my worst.

And then came the wall.

I couldn't see over it, I couldn't see around it, I couldn't see under it. It was massive. It just came down from the sky one day and made it impossible for me to write. Oh I kept right on journaling, but that was it. Nothing else would come.

After about a year of bottled up creative frustration, I started watercoloring. Once that passed, I took up knitting. Then photography. Then card making. Then baking. Then jewelry making. I am a creative. I need to create.

And all throughout the past ten years, I've felt such a longing to write. The creative juices flowing, dammed behind that wall. How high would the waters rise before it was breeched and it would all flow from me again? How long would it take? Nothing offers the satisfaction of writing. Even though I did and still do enjoy many of my other creative outlets, none can touch writing.

There's a movie called Mixed Nuts. It's a dark comedy about suicide hotline workers. In this movie, there is a character named Felix. Felix is an artist, specifically a wall artist, a muralist. All throughout the movie Felix is frustrated that he has no outlet for his creativity. It causes him to fight with his girlfriend. He is a pent up frustrated artist. His girlfriend repeatedly says to him throughout the film, "Felix, you're an artist, just paint something!" to which he replies, "I'm not just an artist, I'm a WALL artist! And I have no wall!" I have really related to Felix these past 10 years.

All of this to say--last December I quit doing any and all creative things.

A last resort.

I have fought the wall in every way I know, so now, I do nothing.

Wait it out.

And this past weekend at the writers conference, something amazing happened. There was suddenly a crack in the dam. I can feel it in me. Things that are stirring and whirring up to life. Memories and thoughts that so long ago went into hibernation, are moving around within me, stretching and filling me.

And even more miraculous is that this has happened when I have an entire 10 days with nothing to do but let it out.

(That girl, she's got a hurricane brewing up inside her.)

Just Imagine...

2010-08-28T17:55:00.004-05:00

If the whole world's population all laughed at the same time, imagine how loud it would be! People buckled over in laughter at the office, hailing a cab, in a rice field in Asia, in line at the local coffee shop. The instant bond of laughter connecting everyone, everywhere. Humanity in all it's hysterical glory! At the salon, lunch ladies serving mac & cheese, chain gangs working on railroads, tribal leaders in Africa, Eskimos, women in labor, baseball players mid-game, I'm talking everyone in the world.

Can you see it? Pilots, workers at the DMV, bicycle messengers, surgeons, people out mowing their lawns, Oprah in the middle of her talk show, librarians, families mid pre-dinner prayer, everyone around you at Target, the North Koreans! World leaders, politicians, rich, poor, black, white, laughter erupting from everyone in all walks of life at the exact same time.

The sheer volume of it would likely jump the earth off its axis! An overwhelming cacophony of wind over water, a hurricane of laughter.

People who were fighting and angry are suddenly holding on to each other to steady their balance as they're hunched over trying to catch their breath, lawyers in court presenting their case suddenly ridiculously uncomposed doubled over with laughter, policemen clinging to the car door of the person they've just pulled over; crying and turning red in laughter! Everyone stuck in traffic, everyone who moments ago were terrified, bored, angry, sleeping!

I think it would be a lot like when you go into a sold out comedy movie. At first you're minding your own business, trying to be courteous of everyone so closely seated next to you. But after two hours of ab tightening laughter, you're suddenly connected to those around you. You walk out of the theater laughing with them, quoting the funniest parts of the movie. On your ride home you laugh to yourself at how great everyone at the theater was.

Now imagine that on such a grand scale. Everyone in the entire world feeling that camaraderie with their fellow man. All of us laughing and slapping each other on the back, holding one another up as we're all teetering on the edge of ourselves, about to be lost forever in the comedic abyss. Hands on knees, heads thrown back, belly laughing, busting a gut, howling at the moon laughter.

A whole world of heeheehee's and hahaha's and hohoho's. The high pitched hyena laughers, the deep belly laughers, the cackling Wicked Witch of the West laughers, the mouth wide open silent laughers, the dolphin-like staccato laughers, the old granny laughers, the I've been smoking all my life wheezing laughers, the gigglers all laughing, hysterically, joyfully, honestly out and out laughing!

Someone once said they'd like to buy the whole world a coke, well I'd like to buy the whole world a good 5-10 minute laugh.

Preferably at the exact same time.

Eyeliner Magic

2010-08-28T08:05:00.001-05:00

Every time I get a zit on my upper lip I am ridiculously tempted to color it in with my eyeliner. Then I'd look just like Cindy Crawford, or some other mole sporting famous woman. I've tried it once or twice, just for fun, washing it off before leaving the house. It's amazing how different a mole on your upper lip can make you feel. I felt...empowered.

Weird I know.

But you should try giving yourself a mole on your upper lip and see how it feels. You suddenly feel tres chic. French woman sexy.

Trust me.

The only reason I haven't worn this in public is because I imagine a scenario like the one in Robin Hood: Men In Tights.

"Wasn't your mole on the other side of your face?"

But then I would get to quote that classic line and make the poor schmuck who asked me turn beet red--

"I HAVE A MOLE?!?!?"

Miracle Polish!

2010-08-04T21:53:00.002-05:00

All my life I been back and forth with nailpolish. I like it when it's on, but it chips so easily, the upkeep of it, the way it screams "I'M HIGH MAINTENANCE" to the world, not to mention I usually fudge it up before it even dries. Usually there's one month out of every year decide I'd like to start wearing nailpolish again and then it just does not last very long. The filing, the clipping, the cuticle cutting! What a horrible way to spend an evening.

This past March was the month of this year I decided to try wearing nailpolish again. It was a sunny week and the first warm breeze blew threw my hair and I just knew I had to go buy a fun spring nailpolish. And it was there, gentle reader, in the nailpolish aisle at Walgreens, that I discovered a miracle polish. It is called Sally Hansen Insta-Dri Fast Dry Nail Color. I fell in love. The difference this time, is that I'm still in love with it! I've been painting my nails for about 6 months now and have yet to get tired of it!

Normally I go for the bright colored nailpolish:

Snappy Sorbet

Mint Sprig

Mango Motion

Blue Blast

Sonic Bloom

Racin' Red

Lively Lilac

But now I have discoverd Expresso. My current favorite color. It annoys me that Sally Hansen spells espresso wrong, but then again, she continually brings me the best colors of nailpolish, so I can get over it.

Expresso

And I am so sorry that this is the best picture of it that Google would find. It isn't as pink as it looks here. I don't know how to describe it other than a mauvey brown. My brother Luke says it looks like a grama nail polish, but all I know is it makes me feel like a lady.

This is what I'm thinking about right now

2010-07-21T17:34:00.001-05:00

1. I think I would like one of those "aquarium" things on my blog like Heidi has. Feeding those fish is mindless, brain numbing fun.

2. I feel the urge to purge coming on. I wish it would cool off for a few days so I could accomplish this instead of laying on my bed with 8 fans blowing on me.

3. This is scary, but I would like to go to a foreign country. Preferably Italy, Greece or Ireland. Someday. (someday is a nice scapegoat on the end there)

4. I can't believe I've gone 5 weeks, 3 days without coffee. I miss it a lot. Then again, I'm still drinking tea, so that's nice. I should invent a Teamericano. Then everything would be perfect.

5. I need more non-Christian friends. But how? Are they all just hanging out somewhere? I accept this quest, maybe bumblingly, but I accept it nontheless.

6. I would like my own kitchen. Not sure what to do about that one.

7. I am so excited that July is almost over because that means it's almost August and after August comes September. And after September comes AUTUMN!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And that means hole-ing (sp?) up at home, making soups and stews and baking yummy things, chilly evenings, crisp mornings, colored leaves, dark lipstick, dark nail polish, dark nights, wearing orange and brown and navy and green and eggplant purples, scarves, sweaters, bonfires, apple cider, pumpkin beer, pumpkin coffee (tea?), pumpkin lotions, pumpkin candles, pumpkin breads, cakes, pies, rolls, pumpkin seeds, not to mention plain old pumpkins. *sigh*

8. I should switch the office decorations. It's still the 4th of July in here. And seeing as I'm the only one around here who cares about window clings and the general look of the place, I should do that soon.

9. The oldies station is a great guilty pleasure of mine.

10. I'm struggling to think of a tenth thing I'm thinking of, but it seems a nice round number so--nope. Nothing's coming.

So here's the thing about summer...

2010-06-12T17:11:00.001-05:00

Everyone wants to wear sandals right? Break out the flip flops! I'm with you, all the way!

That I get.

What I don't understand is this--

Why must we exfoliate our feet?!? When did this happen?? I never exfoliated/shaved off my calluses before adulthood. But now it's all about "cute" feet. The problem with "cute" feet is that once you've soaked, exfoliated, shaved off your calluses and lotioned up your feet(you have to apply lotion after you've done all that other stuff because once they're nice and smooth, you don't want your feet looking dry do you?!?), you nearly kill yourself walking down the carpeted stairs, or down the carpeted hall for that matter! You mop the kitchen floor and you'd think sombody used Pledge on it as you slide your way to the fridge for that midnight fudge bar! And not only that, but then when you are walking around outside barefoot, you step on a pebble that's barely visible to the human eye and you'd swear you just stepped on Everest. Whereas if you'd have kept your feet in their natural, callused state, you could run across blacktop at noon in the middle of July with the best of them. Not to mention you could walk down the stairs without your arms out on both walls and clinging for dear life, just so someone somewhere might say you have "cute" feet instead of someone somewhere saying you have horribly ugly callused feet. Which are the more practical of the two??

So the next time you're tempted to scrape the calluses off your feet, just remember--would you rather have a pea sized rock in your shoe and be in infinite pain, or would you rather have a pea sized rock in your shoe and not realize it until you take your shoes off at the end of the day and the rock falls out?

As you're contemplating this, I've got to go find my dang PedEgg, I've got a party to go to tonight.

Things That Have Really Happened To Me

2010-04-13T11:33:00.002-05:00

I played the clarinet all through school. I started in the 5th grade. One time in my private lesson when I was in the 6th grade, I had a headcold and was pretty stuffed up. My woodwind teacher was a funny guy and while I was playing he said something and it made me laugh. But because I had the clarinet in my mouth, I laughed out my nose. A huge green snot shot out of my nose. I was so embarassed I sniffed it back up right away hoping he didn't notice. I realized he did notice as soon as he said, "Well hello there!"

~*~

A while back (maybe 6-8 years ago?) I was going to my great aunts 85th birthday party. I realized I should at least get her a card, so I stopped at Walmart on my way to the party. I was reading cards and laughing at the thought of giving them to my 85 year old great aunt. Suddenly this black guy came running around the corner holding 2 cans of tomato soup in each hand. I jumped because he startled me and he said all out of breath-like, "Are you the girl who's laughing?" I was like, "I was laughing, yes...why?" He said, "Any girl with a laugh like that, I have got to meet!" Mind you I was BY MYSELF laughing at birthday cards. We introduced ourselves and he read a bunch of cards with me and we laughed together until I found the right card. Then I left.

~*~

When I was 12 my family went to Wisconsin Dells. I had this bright yellow bathing suit that was too big for me so my mom folded the straps over and sewed them down and every year she'd let it out a little bit. Everyone was laying on these lounge chairs resting after walking around the park all day. I went and stood under this large mushroom shaped thing that had water pouring around the edges of it. I was just standing there, letting the water run over me, when suddenly my Aunt Donna looked over towards me and started laughing hysterically and pointing. I turned to see what was so funny, but I couldn't see anything. My dad sat up to see what she was laughing at, except instead of laughing he had this look of horror on his face and came running towards me. I didn't understand why until he reached down and pulled my too big bathing suit up from my ankles and helped me get it back on. Curse that mushroom rushing water thing.

~*~

A few years ago I came home from work and was in a big rush to get to my friend Adam's house for a taco dinner. It is important for you to know that I was wearing a black cotton skirt. I came home, took a quick shower, picked my black cotton skirt back up off the floor and put it on, finished getting ready and ran out the door. I had to stop at the store for tortilla chips, and I noticed a lot of people looking at me. I thought I must be looking dang good and felt really confident and flattered. I finally got to Adam's and we were sitting around talking waiting for everyone else to show up. I got up to get a cup of water and as I got to the kitchen I heard him yell, "why do you have a big white sticker on your butt?" I replied, "What? No I don't!" I spun my skirt around to look at the back of it, and much to my horror I realized that it wasn't a bit white sticker, but a pantyliner! I ran into the bathroom and peeled it off my skirt and threw it away. As I was about to go back out to the kitchen, it dawned on me that that was the reason everyone in the store was staring at me! I was THAT girl that everyone wanted to say something to but didn't know how!!! I felt my face go red. I went back in to the living room and sat back on the couch, staring straight ahead. Adam said, "I thought you were getting some water?" I said, "oh yeah" and got back up. I suddenly just started laughing hysterically, I couldn't help it! He just looked at me like I was crazy. I managed go squeak out, "Adam, that wasn't a sticker on my skirt, it was a feminine product, and I went to the grocery store like that!" We were dying of laughter. I still to this day have no idea how that got on my skirt.

~*~

In the 7th grade I didn't have a backpack, but I did have a lot of books. My school was very crowded, especially between classes on the stairwell. And I would have my arms fully extended carrying about 10 books or so going up these stairs. This one day, I was going up these very crowded stairs holding all my books when I realized that the guy in front of me was the guy I'd had a huge crush on since the 3rd grade. So instead of paying attention to the stairs, I was staring at his butt because it was right in front of my face. On the second to last stair, I didn't lift my foot quite high enough and my I threw my arms straight up in the air, books went flying everywhere, I was grasping for anything I could, ended up grabbing this guy that I liked and we went tumbling down the stairway together bowling down everyone else on the stairs. He never really talked to me before that happened, but he especially didn't talk to me after that happened.

~*~

I'm sure there are more stories like these to come...

Alter Ego's & Ingrid Michaelson

2010-03-25T10:34:00.001-05:00

"I will live my life as a lobsterman's wife
on an island in the blue bay,
he will take care of me
he will smell like the sea,
and close to my heart he'll always stay

I will bear three girls
all with strawberry curls,
named Ella and Nelly and Fay,
while I'm combing their hair
I will catch his warm stare
on our island in the blue bay

Far away, far away,
I wanna go far away,
to a new life on a new shoreline,
where the water is blue
and the people are new,
to another island
in another life"

Today is a dreary, blustery March day. I am listening to this song by Ingrid Michaelson and dreaming. What is the appeal of this song? What is the appeal of running away and starting over?

To me there's an element of romance to it all. Of movie-esqe-ness. Add in a dallop of "there's got to be something more" and there you have it--we all dream of something bigger and better.

This is a path I can find myself going down often in my thought life. It always ends the same way though, whether I think it for a split second or an enitre afternoon, I end up realizing that I am living something that is bigger and better!

As a Christian, I know that things are not as they seem.

I often feel like Clark Kent. Or anyone else who has an alter ego. I am working and living in the mundane world, yet all the while I have "the sight", I can "see" things as they truly are. I am aware of the enemy that's out for me and my family and loved ones and know that there's the potential for a battle around every corner. Because this is a war!!! I am waging a war and there is a war being waged against me. But it's not scary, because even while in the midst of the battle it can seem scary, I know I'm on the side that wins the war.

Oh man...I LOVE THIS STUFF!!!!!!!!!!

I only wish I could communicate this better.

Overwhelmed With Love

2010-03-22T10:08:00.001-05:00

Do you ever find yourself completely and totally overwhelmed with God's love for you?

You're just doing something normal, driving to work, flossing your teeth, doing the dishes and then--

WHAM!!!!!!!!

You're suddenly laughing and crying and singing and in wonder of it all.

This happens to me regularly.

This morning I was getting ready for work. Something I do pretty much every day. Except this time, as I was curling my eyelashes--BAM!!!!! I got hit by His love for me again.

I just want to sit in the sunshine and feel the warmth of His love, imagine it's His arms around me. Or drive in the county with my windows down singing at the top of my lungs of how wonderful He is.

I have never known a better Lover.

Thoughts on God & Nailpolish

2010-03-21T22:15:00.002-05:00

God's been speaking to me a lot lately. This might sound weird, but He's been speaking to me about nailpolish. I very, very rarely paint my fingernails. For some reason I've been painting them a lot lately. My current favorite color is called Sonic Bloom. But that's besides the point.

This past week was a gorgeous Wisconsin week. For the first time in moooonths it was sunny and warm for five days in a row. While 50-55 degrees may not sound warm to some, after months of not even coming close to 30, the 50's are pure magic!

Next to my backdoor is a small patch of dirt that I plant herbs in. The green onions and chives are already in full growth and all last week I kept wanting to get my hands in the dirt, pull the weeds, feel the earth. I love that sort of thing. Yet because my nails were painted, I found myself not doing what I wanted to do, what will need to be done. I didn't want to mess up my nails. (This sounds so vain, doesn't it?? hahaha)

So every day I would walk past this small patch of dirt and want to get my hands dirty, yet I made it the entire week without doing so.

God began talking to me about this, and how I can be like this with things in the spiritual as well. I can put things on myself that make me feel good, look good, that help me play the role of who I think I'm supposed to be in a situation. And I can feel nervous or afraid when situations arise that threaten those things.

But God didn't make me to be those things. They are things I've put on myself.

He spoke so clearly to me about how all I need to do is obey Him and keep my hand to the task at hand. And I don't need to be afraid of things that I've built crumbling around me. Because the only things that are going to be chipped away and stripped off are the things that I've put on myself, not who He's said I am. The things He's done in me and put in me will stand.

It's funny how easy it is to sing songs that say all I want is Him and it's so easy to say He's everything. Yet when He challenges something I cling to that I think has value or importance, I can be so hard to convince that He's right. It's always hard to give up things we love, or to see things in us we've spent years building come crashing down. Yet ultimately He is all I want and all I need.

He is everything.

So even though it might hurt as things are being chipped away at, I know that I'm only being made to look more and more like Him.

And that is truly worth living for.

808's and Heartbreak

2010-03-18T20:35:00.002-05:00

I don't really know what an 808 is, and I'm not currently experiencing heartbreak, but I have been listening to that Kanye West CD a lot lately. I think it's the warmer weather. There's something about when it finally hits 50 degrees and everyone's driving with their windows down, and motorcycles are out, and you take walks by the lake again, and bust out the grill, that makes you want to just play music with a lot of bass and beats very LOUDLY in your car.

It can't be just me, can it??

I've been thinking about this blog a lot. Well, let's not get carried away, not A LOT a lot, just a lot. (What?! It makes sense to me!) I feel like I never know what to write about. What I mean is, I know what to write about when things are happening, but when it's just the day to day life, I'm at a loss. Granted some would argue that that IS what you should be writing about, I think I should be writing about something of at least some interest to somebody somewhere, even if it's just myself.

Does that mean my life bores me?

No. I don't know that I've ever felt bored with life. I love life! Maybe I just have too high of expectations of life?

I had no idea where this entry would go, but I did not see this philisophical nonsense coming. I feel slightly shocked by myself. hahaha...hmmm...

Here's what I know:

-I am 31 years old.
-I work at a bank.
-I am not someone who I could ever imagine to work in a bank.
-I enjoy my job.
-I never imagined I'd enjoy this job, I thought I'd hate it and was scared to take the job, but it's now going on 3 years.
-I am a Christian.
-That is the most important thing in my life.
-I live with my brother, his wife, their 2 young boys, there's another one on the way (!!!), and Amanda who we know from church.
-I love the color orange.
-I love all color and lots of it honestly, but orange holds a special place.
-I love coffee and tea.
-If I don't drink enough water during the day I worry I'm becoming dehydrated.
-That was a strange thing to admit, it just came out.
-I like plants.
-I have 8 plants in my bedroom, which sounds like way more than it looks like.
-I only paid for 2 of them.
-2 were gifts.
-2 were leaves that I accidently cut off plants at work and are now full blown plants themselves.
-1 is from a funeral.
-1 is from a trimming off a friends plant that I liked.
-I also have 2 dead plants in my room that just recently died for no apparent reason after years of happily living with me. I guess we all have our time.
-And I do have a plant that's at my dad's house. He was caring for it for me because the cat liked it and ate it all the time. The cat died this past summer, but he still has my plant, which is fine because I'm not sure where I'd put it at this time. And I dogsit for him every Monday night, so I get to say hi to it on a regular basis.
-I have patio lights hung in my room. I love them.
-I enjoy reading. I do it a lot.
-I just finished a book today. I'm excited for the new book I start tomorrow. It's a Christian book. I never read Christian books. I can feel bored by them. I suppose because I like to read for entertainment, not for knowledge. Is that weird? I just like to get lost in the stories, not to think about my own. Hmm...that doesn't sound healthy does it...
-I would like to be a writer by profession. As a career.
-I have no clue how to do that, or what that would look like.
-I do think that not knowing what to write about hinders that.
-Have you seen the movie Mixed Nuts? There's this wall artist in that movie who can never do his art because he doesn't have a wall to do art on. I can relate to that.
-The other part of me can be annoyed by that. If you want to do something, DO IT!!! Stop waiting for the perfect opportunity. I mean, people who do things by nature, naturally do what it is they want to do.
-Wait. Does that mean I DON'T want to be a writer?

So you see, only confusion and vain self searching can come from not knowing what to write about.

(Man do I crack myself up sometimes!)

Let's face it

2010-03-06T08:25:00.002-06:00

I'm never going to write an update about my Green Bay trip. And by writing that I would I've been afraid of my blog, so I'm just going to say the trip was amazing, I had a blast, and learned that I really do love my own company!

That said, here's a fun story for ya.

***

Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering.

Finally fed up, God said, 'THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job.'

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.

They moused.

They faxed.

They emailed.

They emailed with attachments.

They downloaded.

They did spreadsheets!

They wrote reports.

They created labels and cards.

They created charts and graphs.

They did some genealogy reports.

They did every job known to man.

Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell.

Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off.

Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld.

Jesus just sighed.

Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming:

'It's gone! It's all GONE! I lost everything when the power went out!'

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work.

Satan observed this and became irate.

'Wait!' he screamed. 'That's not fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don't have any?'

God just shrugged and said,

'JESUS SAVES.'

So...

2010-02-16T09:13:00.001-06:00

the trip was AMAZING!!!

update to come...

Life is a highway, or so "they" say

2010-02-11T18:42:00.005-06:00

I am taking a little trip by myself this weekend, nowhere too exotic, Green Bay, WI, to be exact. This may not be that big of a deal to most people, but I am not most people. I am one who has for the majority of my life been petrified of traveling. The unfamiliarity of it all that thrills most scares me to my core. I like to know where I am, to have everything around me be familiar and the same. Newness of locale can be a very frightening thing.

I have traveled alone before. I’ve flown to southern California to visit family by myself, and I’ve also flown by myself to Oregon to go to a friends wedding. But you see that was a mere few hours of terror alone and then the rest of the trip was terror with friendly, familiar faces. This trip will be entirely alone. Just me. I am horrified and excited. I can feel my nerves dancing up and down my spine even as I just type about it. And it’s true I won’t be ENTIRELY alone, but I won’t know a single soul who’s there with me.

I realize I’ve never said what this trip is actually for. I am a member of the Downtown Kenosha Kiwanis Club. Yes it is true, I’m mildly dorky. While we don’t wear water buffalo hats, we do sing and say the national anthem and there’s at least one member who regularly tells off colored jokes. I am the youngest member of this club. I joined because my boss asked me too. Kiwanis is the sort of club that you can’t just go to and join, you have to be invited to a meeting. My boss just happened to know a customer whose wife was a member. As it turns out, this lady is someone I vaguely know. She lived on the same street as my grandma and my mom and aunts used to babysit for her all the time. My whole family knows her, but after my mom’s generation nobody’s heard of her. She was thrilled to see “Debi’s daughter!” as she kept shouting loudly in her German accent. She told me the story of how she was a German war bride and was so excited to move to America and it was all very romantic.

So of course at my first ever Kiwanis meeting, I got this huge introduction. Well, I didn’t, but my grandma, mom and aunts all did. And she told stories of them that not even I had ever heard. So after a few awkward weeks, I was officially inducted into the club. Which isn’t really that bad of a thing; my work pays my membership dues and in return I get two free lunches a month at The Boathouse Pub & Eatery down on at the lake. We have all sorts of guest speakers who teach us all sorts of things such as how a team from the Kenosha Water Utility went down to somewhere in Central America and helped build a irrigation system, how the ambulance system works, that you can check out CPR videos and dolls at the local library, about the KRM Railway system that is trying to get up and running, the Chancellor of UW-Parkside is coming soon, the owner of the Kenosha News has come and talked about the paper in it’s heyday and how it runs now. These sorts of things are what I hear about every 1st and 3rd Wednesday of the month while I eat my free lunch with a bunch of old people. But they’re not just old; there are actually a lot of “higher ups” in the community in my club. The director of Kenosha Public Works, the director of the Kenosha Parks Commission, the director of the City of Kenosha Real Estate, various aldermen, the director of the Kenosha Transit System and me. I think it’s pretty hysterical and a random part of my life, but it’s kind of fun!

The whole object of Kiwanis is to “Change the world, one child at a time”. So we raise money by selling beer at local community events to help children. And the irony of that is not lost on me, but that’s just the way they do it. The winter months are the “planning” months and the summer months are the “executing the plan” months. I get to go to different events and have a 2-4 hour shift of either selling tickets or beer or whatever they have me do. It’s kind of nice to get out in the community and mingle with the common folk, ya know?

All that to say, I am going out of town this weekend to go to the Wisconsin/Upper Michigan Kiwanis Mid-Winter Convention. Now, don’t get me wrong, I am in no way a fanatical Kiwanian like some of my club mates. I’m more the sort of Kiwanian who sits on the sidelines and laughs to herself at the silliness of it all.

However, I decided to go to the convention for two reasons. First being that at the beginning of the year I made a list of things that I would like to do this year. One of the things on that list is “Take a trip somewhere by myself even if just for one night”. When I wrote that I in no way envisioned myself at a Kiwanis Convention. I was thinking more of a quaint little B&B somewhere in the country where I could pretend to be “getting away from it all and working on my writing”. So at first mention of convention (haha that rhymes), I had ZERO inkling to go. But then my ears perked up as I was biting into my BLT when they mentioned the board of our club approved full paid expenses to one member if they wanted to go. As I chewed my too-dry-not-nearly-enough-mayo-BLT I started contemplating the trip. I didn’t specify that they trip couldn’t be a convention, just that I had to go alone. Then I thought of the movie ‘About A Boy’ simply because there’s a group in that movie called S.P.A.T., which stands for Single Parents Alone Together. And I thought, why not go somewhere where I’m alone, yet together too. And that settled it. I requested off work and now it’s here already. I’m going to a Kiwanis Convention. (I still can’t help giggling at the sheer ridiculousness of it.)

This brings me back to the travel issue. A few years back I went to Oregon as I mentioned earlier. My friend Melissa played a somewhat cruel joke on me. She knew there was no way in a million trillion years I would ever fly by myself to a place I’d never been to go to her wedding where she was the only person I knew. So she asked me to be a bridesmaid. And how on God’s green earth do you tell your dear friend that no you will not be in her wedding because that means you’ll have to spend 5 days with people you don’t know in a place you’ve never been and the only reason is that you’re just plain scared. I’ll tell you how you do it—you don’t. You scream and yell and hoot and holler and dance around your living room while on the phone with her. Then afterwards you immediately break down into tears and call your sister-in-law. Then you spend the rest of the day sleeping to avoid the whole thing. And that is how you deal with the thought of traveling.

But my hand went up at that Kiwanis meeting and out loud I said, “I would love to go if the Club would sponsor me to go”. Immediately someone motioned that I go, then there was a second motion and then everyone in favor said “Yay” and there weren’t any opposed to say “Nay” except my inner self whom I was ignoring.

That was four weeks ago.

I’ve had four weeks to prepare my mind to not freak out. It’s totally fine, people do this sort of thing all the time, it’ll be fun, and you can stop and pee any time you want! But oh man, I have gone #2 a lot today which is probably not the sort of thing a woman should write on her blog but is what happens when I get nervous. I haven’t packed (it’s only one night, do I need to pack early?) or done any laundry (I don’t think I need to do laundry before the trip, maybe I’ll wait til I get back) or changed my burned out brake light (I should definitely do that before I go) or gotten an oil change (do you need to get an oil change before taking a 2 ½ hour drive?) or renewed my license plates (they don’t expire til March 4th, but I did get that thing in the mail so would it be better to just get my new sticker before the trip?) or anything. You’d think I was driving across the country, which if I lived in England I would be, so as you can clearly see, everything is relative. Hmm.

And one more thing—I think I’m supposed to somehow document me taking my trip alone (according to the rules of the list). Would it be weird to ask a stranger to take my picture in front of the hotel? Then again, if I’ll never see them again…

What Never To Say To A Single Woman

2010-02-01T22:02:00.002-06:00

Came across this article on CNN of all places, thought it was hysterical!!

*****

Allow me to introduce myself. I am a gainfully employed, God-fearing, law-abiding citizen, and I come in peace. I don't bet on baseball, I take excellent care of my gums, I keep my tray table locked and upright from takeoff to landing.

Oh, and there's one more thing: I am what is commonly referred to in polite society as "an unmarried woman."

Truth be told, I now have a boyfriend and a baby girl --it's all very modern -- but much of my 30s involved ostensibly concerned bystanders averting their eyes, asking how many cats I own, and sharing their private theories on where it all went so hideously wrong for me.

Ah, yes, I remember it well. And when I start to forget, I still have plenty of single girlfriends in various states of angst to remind me of the grotesque fix-ups, the ham-handed remarks, and the brutal Thanksgiving dinners.

For those valiant, traumatized souls, I present my list of the ten things one must never say, think, or do when dealing with a single woman over the age of 30.

1. Hey, cousin Christy, how 'bout we break with tradition and dispense with that bridal bouquet toss? Believe it or not, it's actually a touch degrading to be shoved front and center next to your spinster aunt Mitzi from Winnipeg as a roomful of revelers hopped up on Champagne and jumbo shrimp chant, "You're next, you're next."

2. The word picky -- as in "the reason you refuse to meet my podiatrist's brother-in-law for a night of miniature golf is that you're too picky"-- is not only offensive, it's inaccurate. Hell, I'd have dated Ted Bundy if he were willing to meet in a well-lit, public place. No, I suspect it was your description of his "slight comb-over" and "profound desire to one day shake Dick Cheney's hand" that made me release that "catch" back into the wilds of New Jersey.

3. Don't confuse being unmarried with being 11 . My love of SpongeBob-shaped macaroni and cheese notwithstanding, I never wanted to sit at the children's table. Nor did I want to ride in the backseat with your darling toddler, his pet tarantula, his Spider-Man glitter glue, and his melting Fudgsicle.

4. Kindly stop filling every conversational lull by announcing how much you love "Will & Grace." Being single is not the same thing as being gay, just as being married is not proof of being straight...but I'll cover that concept more fully in my upcoming "Uncle Barry's Very Special Surprise" article.

5. Has anybody out there noticed that the institution of matrimony is falling apart faster than Courtney Love on a can of Red Bull? Now, I honestly don't care if your marriage is so gothic in its dysfunction that it makes the couple from "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?" look like Will and Jada -- I'm not here to judge. All I ask is that you quit judging me. Perhaps we're not suffering a fear of intimacy as much as a fear of being trapped in a crummy marriage.

6. Remember that little factoid you used to bandy about -- you know, the one where 40-year-old women have a greater chance of being shot by terrorists than of making it to the altar? Then you may also recall that Susan Faludi refuted that myth 14 years ago. So, okay, Ms. Faludi is probably rethinking that (thanks a lot, Osama!), but you don't have to rub it in.

7. Enough with the "constructive" criticism already. We live in a world of stunning technological advancement, but it remains physically impossible to wear your heart on your sleeve and be emotionally distant, dress like a slut and a librarian, try much too hard and not make any real effort.

8. New rule: You may discuss everything from the fall of the Roman Empire to the rise of Rem Koolhaas with your single friend. But her uterus, ovaries, entire reproductive system are off-limits. Sending clippings about a 74-year-old Ukrainian woman who just gave birth to triplets along with a peppy little "Keep hope alive!" Post-it note will do irreparable damage to your relationship and -- if the woman is particularly resourceful -- may even get your tires slashed.

9. Here's a phrase that must never, ever cross your lips: "Let me tell you why a terrific gal like you is still single...." Because that terrific gal is then likely to explain in dark and visceral detail what happened to the last gentleman who uttered those very words -- and, trust me, you really don't want to know.

10. I've looked at single life from both sides now , and here's what I think: Single women are not Sarah Jessica Parker in "Sex and the City" any more than they're Glenn Close in "Fatal Attraction." For one thing, very few have Manolo Blahniks in their closets. For another, very few have sex with Michael Douglas in their kitchens. They sometimes get lonely, frustrated, they sometimes get flat-out goofy.

They are human beings -- tickle them and they laugh, prick them and they bleed, offer them chocolate and they eat.... In other words, they're pretty much like all the married women I know.

Nunsense

2010-01-27T15:56:00.001-06:00

I waited on a nun at work the other day.

Thoughts that went through my head:

'I could never do that, choose to be alone like that......but I am alone, maybe it would be easier to choose to be alone rather than fight it like crazy and keep kicking against the goads......maybe it'd just be easier to "give in" to being alone......but then what if in my resigning to it I miss my spouse, my best friend?......why have I never been in a relationship?......I don't know how to do that......I went straight from "good Christian girl who doesn't date" to "sure, I'll do that with you". There was every boundary and then no boundaries. I can only relate to the extremes, not to the relationship aspect......how do I do that?......I don't know how.'

So the long and short of this story is...don't wait on a nun when you're single, feeling lonely and have just turned 31.

HA!

A Winter Poem

2010-01-13T09:52:00.002-06:00

It's winter here in Wisconsin,
And the gentle breezes blow,
Seventy miles an hour,
At twenty-five below.
Oh, how I love Wisconsin,
When the snow's up to your butt,
You take a breath of winter,
And your nose gets frozen shut.
Yes, the weather here is wonderful,
So, I guess I'll hang around,
I could never leave Wisconsin,
My ass is frozen to the ground!

(Don't get me wrong, I LOVE winter, but found this "poem" hilarious!)

The List

2010-01-06T21:48:00.000-06:00

A few friends of mine are writing out lists of 52 things they would like to do this year with the goal of doing one thing per week. It got me to thinking of what my list would look like. Some of these things may not work out practically due to finances and allotted vacation time, but either way it's a list.

Here's what I've got so far--

List Of Things I Would Like To Do In 2010

-Accumulate $2000 in my savings.
-Loose 100lbs.
-Develop a heathier, more active lifestyle.
-Take an overnight trip somewhere by myself (even if just one night).
-Read through the Old Testament.
-Read a minimum of 2 books a month.
-Cultivate tidiness and organizational skills.
-Purge my physical belongings even more.
-Go to Chicago.
-Go to Milwaukee.
-Go to Madison?
-Study the gift of healing, fan it into flame.
-Speak a new tongue.
-Learn Zumba.
-Own a bikini.
-Paint my dresser/end table/tv stand/chair.
-Paint my bedroom?
-Visit Nikki in Lake City, MI.
-Visit Kristen in St. Charles, IL.
-Memorize a minimum of 12 new Scriptures.
-Develop punctuality.
-Ride my bike.
-Go hiking with dad.
-Rediscover my love of watercoloring.
-Go on a coffee date.
-Participate in every Twilight Market of the summer season.
-Reread all of SARK's books.
-Go with Molly back to her home in Seymour, WI.
-Go to Door County.
-Stay in a Bed & Breakfast somewhere.
-Write a poem/short story a month.
-Learn the "Single Ladies" dance.

I'm not at 52, but it seems like a rather full plate, and it inspires me!! Who knows, maybe I'll actually do some of these now that they're in writing and not just floating around in my head!

Reflections

2010-01-01T08:57:00.004-06:00

It comes naturally to me to reflect on the past year at the new year. I also have a birthday coming up on the 13th of this month, so I think I become extra reflective this time of year.

Things that have happened this past year that I am so thankful for.

January—My dad came back to Jesus with open arms and a humble heart. This is huge. The short of it is, I was raised in a Christian home, my dad was the pastor of a local church. When I was 14 my parents divorced and for whatever reason my dad fell out of relationship with the Lord. Not that I think I'm in anyway better than my brothers, but they had the sense to distance themselves from dad at that time. I refused. I was with him through so much crap. I grew up the first half of my life in the church and the second half in seedy bars with strange drunk men. Dad broke my heart but I refused to let him be. We struggled with faith together. Before I get too far gone, let me just say that after sixteen (sixteen!) years away from his True Love, he returned with full force last January!!!

Words cannot express the thankfulness in this little girls heart.

February—On Valentine's Day I was in a serious car accident. I was driving 65mph down a local highway when suddenly the car in the lane next to me came over and sideswiped me. Airbags instantly went off and I spun around backwards into an intersection, over the median and into oncoming traffic. I ended up jumping the curb and speeding backwards towards a gas station. The other car ended up driving away and never was caught. There were many witnesses. The most damage I occurred was a sprained wrist, burns on my hands from the airbags deploying and whiplash (not even super serious whiplash according to the chiropractor). The officers on the scene were so shocked. The just kept saying how they never see a car spin through an intersection OR into oncoming traffic and not get hit multiple times. I did both and didn't get hit once. When I go back and look at that intersection, there are so many light poles, street signs, streetlights, ect...it is truly amazing that I didn't even hit any of those things! Not to mention I came out on top of my car loan and had enough left over for the down payment on my new car, which is a bazillion times better (nicer, safer, cooler) than my old car. And because my brother works at Carmax, I got the family discount on my car and instead of it costing me $10,500, it only cost me $7,500!!! God is so amazing.

May—My baby brother got married to one of my best friends!!! She's from England and they told her (after all their 'testing' to make sure they were truly in love and not just trying to get her a green card) that it would take 3-6 months or longer to get her green card in the mail. She got it 2 weeks later.

August—My finances have always been a wreck. I am a bit of what you might call a free spirit, and treat my finances no different than anything else in my life. This has caused stupid things to happen, like $50 medical bills to go into collections, and for me to be a 30 year old grown woman working at a bank and still live paycheck to paycheck. Something clicked in me this year and I realized that I can't keep running to mom and dad every time I get a flat tire or something. I also realized that married or not, I would like to eventually own my own home. I also realized I don't know how to do any of this. My sister-in-law (whom I conveniently live with) decided to put me through financial boot camp. Starting August 1, 2009, I have been financially responsible. It has been hard, grueling, amazing and wonderful. I am on a strict plan that will be loosening up a bit come February, because then I'll have spending money!!! I am proud to say I have a (small but bigger than I've ever had) balance in my checking account AND I have a savings account now (that has money in it!!!). This is a much bigger deal than I'm making it out to be. God has been ridiculously faithful to me in this. It's almost comical.

October—Like I said earlier, I work at a bank. A small, locally, privately owned bank. You know, the kind that have been folding left and right in this economy. My job has been riddled with uncertainty, fear, worry and sheer terror since October of 2008. That's a looooooong year. Coworkers were being let go left and right, everyone was super tense every day, and there I was, clinging to God's word to me that I was where he wanted me and I wasn't to leave. Let me tell you, I questioned him on that one every day. It's a scary place to be. But yet I had unyielding peace, even when the worry and fear would get to me. October 23rd was a Friday. Twenty minutes before close we got a phone call. The Feds were on their way. The bank had been sold. They couldn't tell us anymore information, we just had to wait for the Feds. I was crapping my pants. Long story short, yes, we were bought by another bank. However, they kept every single employee. And they're an amazing bank. They're in the 95th percentile of banks in the ENTIRE country!!! That means only 5% of banks in the NATION are doing better than them!!!! I am suddenly in the most secure job I've ever had. And I love my new employers!! God blows my mind repeatedly. It's amazing I even have one left.

2009 was a banner year for me. Way to end the decade! Can't wait to see what the new one holds!

So This Is Christmas

2009-12-16T22:43:00.003-06:00

It's funny how Christmas is so exciting to me and yet it also carries an element of sadness. The element of sadness comes in because I can feel alone, and at Christmas it's just highlighted so much more. All the Christmas songs everywhere, all the movies everywhere, I mean is anyone NOT in love at Christmastime?? I like those things, no I love those things, but they don't help me much in this area.

I struggle with this.

I struggle with wondering if loneliness is okay to feel as a Christian. I've talked (not recently) to my brother John about this and he doesn't think there's anything wrong with feeling loneliness, it's just when it consumes you and begins defining you that it's a problem. That brings me comfort. It does not, however, give me peace about feeling lonely.

As Christians, we have everything we need for life and godliness. We are whole and complete in Christ. We are already all these things and yet there is a sanctification process. I've heard it stated multiple times that we live in an 'already but not yet' Kingdom. I agree whole heartedly with that and it makes complete sense to me. But I still don't really think Christians should be lonely. It just seems like such a selfish emotion, maybe that's my problem with it. When I feel lonely I get angry at myself because I shouldn't be lonely for a mate, I should be longing for Jesus. And yet He's clearly placed this desire within me and spoken words to me about whomever "he" is...see my dilemma?

Maybe my frustration simply lies in that I find myself looking forward to marriage and having a family so much more this time of year than I do any other time of year. As a singleton, my focus should be on God, the Lover of my soul, not what could potentially be in my life, but what is in my life.-Jesus, my wonderful family, my nephews, amazing friends, my great church.

I guess what it all comes down to is that at the end of the day, I drive home by myself to my own bedroom and lay down in my own bed...and sometimes it's cold in there.

It's The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year!

2009-12-12T09:32:00.002-06:00

And I'm completely swamped!!!

But I do miss you blogosphere...

I will find time for you soon!

Tennessee

2009-11-25T09:21:00.003-06:00

Well we made it!

Yesterday my brother Luke, his wife Heather, their two boys Noah & Declan and myself set out for my Aunt Karen & Uncle Dan's house in south east Tennessee.

Here's a rundown of the trip:

Time left the house-5:04am

Time got onto the interstate after getting gas-5:24am

Distance travelled in miles-683

Distance travelled in hours-13

Number of stops made-6

Average time of stops for children to run around in minutes-18

Number of stops made and the gas tank was refilled-3

Number of status updates to Facebook made via my phone-6

States we were in yesterday-Wisconsin, Illinois, Indiana, Kentucky, Tennessee

Number of states whose liscence plates were seen on drive-22 + 2 Canadian Territories = 24

Breakdown of number of states liscense plates seen-
Alabama-4
Florida-5
Georgia-3
Illinois-countless
Indiana-countless
Iowa-7
Kentucky-countless
Maine-5
Missouri-4
Mississippi-2
Michigan-11
Minnesota-2
North Carolina-4
Oklahoma-4
Ohio-7
Ontario, Canada-3
Pennsylvania-1
South Carolina-2
Saskatchewan, Canada-1
Tennesee-countless
Utah-1
Wisconsin-countless
Washington-2
West Virginia-3

Hardest city name to pronounce-Nlix

Best road name-Sugar Limb Road

Foreign cities passed-Athens, London, Somerset, Paris

Best hotel name-Relax Inn

Things I forgot I knew about the south-They love christmas almost as much as they love fireworks.

Most confusing car-The Ford Taurus with 4 Mac stickers. It just seems wrong putting Mac stickers on a Ford Taurus.

Best bumper sticker-There was an escort taxi service vehicle with "WARNING! ERRATIC LANE CHANGES" covering the entire rear window. And it did erratically change lanes repeatedly and for no real reason.

Prettiest city-Once again goes to Louisville, Kentucky. Who knew it was so pretty there?!? Of course I forgot to take pictures of it because I was too busy looking at it. Something to aim for on the trip back I guess.

Funniest roadside sign-"Watch For Falling Rocks!" followed by "Move All Damaged Vehicles To The Side Of The Road Immediately" as if by chance you survived a massive rock falling off a mountain and onto your car that you would be in any sort of shape to then physically push your car WITH the rock on it to the side of the road.

Time pulled into Uncle Dan & Aunt Karen's driveway-6:21pm (time adjusted to central time zone. it was 7:21pm in TN time)

Number of tacos consumed by entire family at Taco Tuesday .79 taco night-26

Carpe Diem, or something...

2009-11-20T10:16:00.003-06:00

I need to get out more.

Not that I'm sheltered per se, but I'm just home too much.

I like being home. I'm a homebody at heart. But I also would like to be married at some point in my life. And what do I think, that "he's" just going to walk in my house one night while I'm sitting on the couch in sweats watching Grey's Anatomy and profess his love for me while I'm wiping my spilt hot chocolate off the cat that's sleeping in my lap??

I don't think so.

I'm not sure how it happened that I'm not going out and about anymore. I used to always have a jam packed calendar. I still feel busy, but it's with things like reading, laundry, my nephews, work and the Fox Fall Lineup. Nothing social. Well, I guess there's also areas of serving that I feel help to keep me busy that could be considered social but aren't really, such as greeting at church, teaching sunday school to the 4-6 year olds, going through homegroup leadership training, transcribing the words that come on Sunday's, currently I'm also attending rehearsals for Carols By Candlelight, Sunday lunches (Pleasant Prairie has lunches every week after the meeting for the SOW students and all the Trinity students we get that a lot of singles in the church also go to, which now that I think about it probably could be considered social), giving rides to various SOW students who are from another country and need help getting around.

See, I lead a full life.

Not to mention that I'm attempting to make my bed everyday, that alone requires quite a bit of effort.

I think somewhere along the line something happened. Something like all my friends getting married so now they do married people things and there's a new younger generation of single people now who just don't think to invite me to do things and go places. So I sit at home. I'm not trying to sound down and out, like I said, I do enjoy being at home, especially since I live with my brother Luke and his wife Heather and their two boys. It's easy to just wrap my life up in theirs and tell them to go out all the time and I stay home with the boys. And I do love doing that. But I think I need some sort of balance.

So I feel as if I'm re-entering the hustle and bustle of single life. At least I'd like to think so.

I still have to convince all the youngsters to invite me out!

And I need to get used to having a social life again, which would most likely mean not going to bed at 8:30 or 9 on any given night and that 10pm should no longer be considered way past bedtime.

I only hope my almost 31 year old body can do it!

Waiting

2009-11-17T12:08:00.003-06:00

There's this person, well this boy...man actually, who's caught my attention.

I don't want to be a dumb girl. I want to be a wise woman.

I pray about this a lot. About a month or so ago, God very clearly spoke to me. All he said was "wait". That's it. Not "yes, but wait", not "no, but wait", not "well, maybe, but wait". Just "wait".

This is hard. Not the waiting, I'm okay with that part. But the whole part about waiting and not thinking/dreaming/worrying/speculating part. I think I'm doing okay so far, but it's hard to keep myself in check. So mostly I just keep praying. When this individual pops into my head, I instantly turn my focus to Him and talk to Him. I just want to honor the Lord so badly. And when emotions and the heart get involved, it just gets all fuzzy.

Last week I got an email from a lady in my church. She said that while she was spending time with the Lord that morning He had put me on her heart. As she began to pray for me, God gave her three verses that she felt were very specifically for me. They are as follows:

'Wait for the LORD;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the LORD.'
-Psalm 27:14

'Be strong and take heart,
all you who hope in the LORD.'
-Psalm 31:24

'I have told you these things,
so that in me you may have peace.
In this world you will have trouble.
But take heart!
I have overcome the world.'
-John16:33

There's a movie who's name I don't remember, but there's a line in it that says--

"I am waiting. So I sit. Silent as a cup."

Me too.

Save Money At Christmas

2009-11-10T20:59:00.004-06:00

I love this.

And I Didn't Even Have Pepperoni or Green Roast Beef!

2009-11-09T11:10:00.009-06:00

Boy did I have a crazy dream last night!

Before I get into it, I would like all of you out in the Blogosphere to know that I am going to Georgia for Thanksgiving. This is relevent in understanding maybe a little teensy part of the insanity that's to follow. It's also important to know that my brother's name is Luke and he's married to Heather and they have two boys named Noah(3 years) and Declan(18 months). I live with them. Okay, I think that's everything, so buckle up tight and please keep your hands and feet inside the vehicle at all times. And away we go!

As the dream started out, I was at my house. Except it wasn't my real house, the only house I've ever seen that somewhat resembled this house is Edward Cullen's house, except it wasn't Edward's house, it was slightly different. Wow...how's that for confusing!

So, I'm at my house. I'm alone and I get to thinking that it would be super fun to have all the School of Worship kids over for a night of hanging out and all worshiping together. So I call Teresa, who thinks it is a GREAT idea! Somehow without calling anybody, everyone who I want to come knows about it. And it's tonight! (if only real life was just as easy!)

Seeing as I'm about to have a big party, I decide to look in the pantry for what treats I can prepare. Now, the pantry and the back hall and the basement are all pretty much EXACTLY like the house I grew up in. I'm in the pantry and literally the only thing lining all the shelves are boxes of chocolate pudding. This is normal to me in my dream. As I'm on a stepstool getting multiple boxes of chocolate pudding from the top shelf, Matt Gainsford pops his head in the pantry and says, "Ello, anythin I can help with?" To which I reply "Yes actually, could you start warming some milk on the stovetop for me?" So he goes about warming milk. After I fill my apron (yes, I was wearing an apron) with as many boxes of chocolate pudding as I can, I come out of the pantry. I dump them all on the kitchen table and ask Matt if he'd mind making the pudding so that I can go clean up the downstairs for the party and then go get ready myself. He agrees.

I go down in to the basement (at the house I grew up in the basement was finished and it was my dad's office/gym/hang out area.) and all my dad's stuff is set up exactly the way I remember it being when I was a kid, except for 4 large white leather sofas. I go around fluffing pillows, lighting candles, that sort of thing, then I sit down at the piano and tune it. (HAHAHAHAHAHAHA) After I tune it, I go to the second story of the house to my bedroom. This room isn't in the house I grew up in, I'm now in the Edwardish part of the house, and it is AWESOME!!! I don't realize it in the dream because it's just my normal room to me. As I'm getting ready I have a fleeting thought that I'm leaving in the morning to go to Georgia for Thanksgiving.

I go back down to the basement and everyone is there already. They're all eating chocolate pudding while sitting on my dad's white leather couches. I sternly warn them that if anyone get's chocolate pudding on my dad's white leather couches they will have to buy him new ones. They all stand up and continue to eat their pudding.

That's all I actually dreamed about the party. We'll call that Part One.

On to Part Two...

I wake up in my (AWESOME!) room. Luke is banging on my bedroom door that we're leaving in 2 minutes and I better not make everyone late because we're on a strict time schedule. I get up, put on Ugg boots (I don't actually own a pair in real life) and go down to the garage. Luke and Noah are in the van, Heather and Declan are in the car, and Spencer Towle, Amanda Thayer, Sarah Hall and Jose Vargas are in the LLCC church van that has a trailer attached. I get in the van with Luke and Noah. Oh yeah--it's also important to know that all I'm wearing is a swimsuit and Ugg boots (LOL). As we're going down the long winding wooded driveway, I ask Luke why Heather and Declan aren't riding with us in the van. He tells me that it's because we are going straight to Georgia but Heather and Declan are going to stop off at Detriot and spend 3 nights there. I ask why everyone else in the church van are with us and he says they're going to New York for New Years Eve and Spencer was nervous about driving through Chicago so he was just going to caravan with us through Chicago and then we'd all go our seperate ways.

For some reason all of this made perfect sense to me, even though it was Thanksgiving, not New Years Eve and Heather doesn't know anybody in Detroit.

As we're driving though a maze of country roads (we lived really far out in the county), I realize that I didn't pack anything and all I had was the swimsuit and Ugg boots I was wearing. I told Luke we had to go back because I didn't have anything with me. He got really mad at me and told me that it was my own fault. I started crying and told him I couldn't spend a whole week visiting family I haven't seen in years wearing the same thing every day, especially when it was a bathing suit! He just kept getting angrier and angrier until finally I annoyed him enough that he turned around and started heading back to the house. Heather and Noah were behind us, and everyone else was behind them, and they all followed us back to the house. When we got there, the garage door was wide open and Luke was super glad that I forgot to pack then because he didn't want all his stuff stolen out of the garage.

So I go up to my room and pack (for some reason I don't change). I go in the bathroom to get my toothbrush and all my stuff is on the floor. Confused I open the medicine cabinet and all that's in there are a bunch of bottles of Brut aftershave. I turn to go out into the hall and Mark Moore is coming down the hall towards the bathroom. (Mark is the pastor at Lakeshore Tabernacle. I knew him growing up and he lived with my family for a period of time, although I'm not sure if he actually uses Brut aftershave or not) I give him a big hug and ask what he's doing there and he tells me that Luke had asked him to stay at our house while we were gone. I go back into the bathroom, grab my toothbrush off the floor and go back out to the van. We drive off.

The End.

Ghosts and Other Nonsense

2009-11-06T09:06:00.003-06:00

My coworker believes in ghosts. Fine. Whatever.

The thing is, she believes our office is haunted. This annoys me to no end. Mainly because she REFUSES to do certain things that are required of her in her job because of this belief/fear. I am constantly butting heads with her over this. I try to see her point of view, but it's extremely hard for me to relate to because I do not believe in ghosts!

In the end, after trying to talk sense into her, I usually end up doing whatever she was supposed to do but was too afraid to do. Today I decided enough was enough. I told her that she needed to face her fear and to go do her freaking job! (I said it nicer though, although the sheer absurdity of having to try and talk rationally to her had me shaking and trying to keep myself from grabbing her by the shoulders to try and shake some sense into her) She still refused. So did I. My other coworker, who also thinks "ghost girl" is ridiculous, ended up going and doing what needed to be done because she thought we were both being stupid.

Fine. If not doing someone else's work because they're afraid of a non-existant ghost makes me stupid, so be it.

I'm stupid then.

I don't know about you, but I'm ready!

2009-11-03T11:41:00.003-06:00

Haul out the holly;
Put up the tree before my spirit falls again!
Fill up the stocking,
I may be rushing things, but deck the halls again now!

For we need a little Christmas
Right this very minute,
Candles in the window,
Carols at the spinet!
Yes, we need a little Christmas
Right this very minute!
It hasn't snowed a single flurry,
But Santa, dear, we're in a hurry;
So climb down the chimney;
Put up the brightest string of lights I've ever seen!

Slice up the fruitcake;
It's time we hung some tinsel on that evergreen bough!
For I've grown a little leaner,
Grown a little colder,
Grown a little sadder,
Grown a little older,
And I need a little angel
Sitting on my shoulder,
Need a little Christmas now!

Haul out the holly;
Well, once I taught you all to live each living day!
Fill up the stocking,
But Auntie Man, it's one week from Thanksgiving Day now.

But we need a little Christmas
Right this very minute,
Candles in the window,
Carols at the spinet!
Yes, we need a little Christmas
Right this very minute!

It hasn't snowed a single flurry,
But Santa, dear, we're in a hurry;
So climb down the chimney;
Put up the brightest string of lights I've ever seen!

Slice up the fruitcake;
It's time we hung some tinsel on that evergreen bough!

For we need a little music,
Need a little laughter,
Need a little singing
Ringing through the rafter,
And we need a little snappy
"Happy ever after,"
Need a little Christmas now!

Need a little Christmas now!

It's Encouraging

2009-11-01T18:44:00.003-06:00

To me that boys are just as confused by girls as girls are by boys.

There's some strange comfort in knowing we're all in the soup together.

My Quasi-Christmas List

2009-10-20T21:49:00.004-05:00

Loosing an entire blog entry has got to be one of THEE most annoying and frustrating things ever!

Let me try and recapture what was just lost into oblivion...

I have decided to not spend money. This has been going on since August 1st and is going quite well.

In "not spending money", I have had to come to terms with 'wants' and 'needs'.

Needs are obvious-food, clothing, shelter (although sometimes I wonder about food and clothing as needs. I find that a lot of people justify unnecessary spending on something that is definitely a 'want' simply because it falls into the category of food or clothing)

I have found that in not spending money I think about what I truly want more than when I was spending money because somehow things have more value and are more special now then when I'd just throw my money around and get everything I wanted all the time.

In that vein, I would like to compile a list of things that are cleary 'wants', simply because I would like somewhere for there to be a complete list and not just thoughts in my head, you know, in case I suddenly come into some money or something.

So without further ado and in no particular order, here is my list thus far:

*Glee Season 1 Soundtrack
*Adult Footie Pajamas
*Friends Seasons 5, 6 and 7 (these are all I'm missing to make my series complete)
*Socks without holes (or sewn toes for that matter)
*A blowdryer that doesn't spark when in use (I live on the wild side)
*My magazine subscriptions to Martha Stewart and Better Homes & Gardens (both are finito come January)
*A new lightbulb for my nightlight in the bathroom (it's amazing how accustomed to these things one becomes, however still not a need!)

I think that's all for now, it's hard to just sit here and try to think of things I've been trying to remember for a few months. I'm sure this will be getting added too.

<3

oh dear lord...

2009-06-30T10:41:00.002-05:00

I was just helping an older black gentleman(OBG) at work. We had the following conversation.

OBG: "You have any babies?"

Me: "Uhh...no."

OBG: "I know it's rude to ask a lady, but how old are ya?"

Me: (laughing) "Thirty"

OBG: "What?!?!? Thirty and no babies?!? How'd ya manage that???"

Me: "Quite easily really..."

OBG: "Don't ya have a man?"

Me: "No, but thanks for asking"

OBG: "Well why dontcha??"

Me: "I don't know...haven't found the right one yet I guess."

OBG: "Do ya go to church?"

Me: "Yes, I go to Living Light."

OBG: "Well good for you! You don't want any ole guy anyways, you wanna man, ya know? Ya know the difference dontcha? Any ole guy will just do what he wants with ya, but a man, a man will love ya and cherish ya and take care of ya. That's what you want."

Me: "Yes sir, that is what I want."

OBG: "Well then, you just keep on lovin' on Jesus ya hear? The Bible says 'A man who finds a wife finds a good thing', but it don't say nothin' about a woman findin' a man. That's because woman's supposta be lovin' on Jesus with all they's heart and then a man will find her and it will be a good thing."

Me: "huh...I never thought of it that way."

OBG: "well you have a good day now ya hear, and have a great 4th of July!"

Me: "You too, thank you."

Random...

A Funny Thing Happened to me at the Grocery Store

2009-06-09T11:45:00.001-05:00

So last night I went to dinner at Lisa’s and hung out with her for the evening (John was working til 10:30).

She asked me if I could pick up some chicken breasts and cumin since she doesn’t have a car and she needed them for what she was making. So I got off of work at 6:15ish, went home and changed and went to Pick ‘N Save.

I get the cumin and go to get the chicken breasts. There is a very good looking man also looking at the chicken breasts. I notice he’s not wearing a ring. I’m going back and forth debating the best purchase. Lisa said she needed about 4 chix breasts. There are only packages of 3 or 6. As I’m pricing them, I notice he’s doing the exact same thing. We sort of smile and say hi, as you do when someone is standing next to you looking at the same packages of chicken you are. He picks up the 3 pack, I pick up the 6 pack. Again we sort of smile and I say, “You know, the 3 pack is $6.49 and the 6 pack is only $8.04. Chicken freezes really well, it’s only a buck fifty more for 3 more pieces. This is the better deal if you’re interested.” He smiles and says, “You’re right, I’ll go with one of those packs as well. Thanks!” I just say “Sure!” and go about my shopping.

I look at the shampoo because I almost need some, but decide against buying it there because it’s way cheaper at Walmart. I go to the liquor department to buy a bottle of wine to have with dinner. Cute Guy is in the liquor department too. He smiles and says “Hi”, I laugh and say “Hello again”. Whatev…I pick out a bottle and get in line. He is in line right behind me. So there we are, standing in the same line with our family packs of chicken, me with wine, him with a 6 pack. We’re small talking about our chicken and alcohol. After I’m checked out, I’m bagging my few items. He finishes checking out and doesn’t bag his. We end up walking out at the same time. We’re both sort of looking at each other and laughing about our weird shopping experience. Turns out he was literally parked in the spot RIGHT NEXT to me. Again we just laugh, get in our cars and drive off.

I swear if I wasn’t a Christian I would have said, “Do you believe in fate? How about you just come over and have a drink while I cook us some chicken?”

I MEAN SERIOUSLY!!! These things don't just happen, do they???

LOVE THESE!!!

2009-06-06T20:26:00.004-05:00

These clogs are GORGEOUS!!! I would love a pair.

The only problem is deciding which ones...my favorites are Kaleidoscope and Woodstock.

I think I'm going to start saving up for a pair!

http://theswanx.com/hand-paintedclogs.aspx

Convenience?

2009-05-07T08:52:00.002-05:00

The bathroom lights at my work are motion sensored.

I can never decide if I like that or not.

On the one hand, it's one less thing to touch in a public restroom so you have more peace of mind that you're not unwittingly contracting swine flu, mononucleosis, dysentry or chlamydia.

But on the other hand, every time I'm doing my business (or if you prefer a little bank humor, making my "deposit"), I find myself fervently waving my arms around in the air like my life depends on it.

You see--the timers on these light sensors are set for approximately 5.2 seconds. So while you're in the middle of your thing, not only do the lights go off, but the fan with it. So then you're just sitting in the middle of the bank doing your deed and everyone will know it because there is no more noise reduction (or venthilation for that matter!).

And then, while I'm sitting there, waving my arms in the air like a maniac, in the public restroom at the bank, I start getting the giggles.

I swear my coworkers think I'm nuts.

I mean would you think you're coworker was crazy if every time she went to the bathroom you heard her laughing maniacally and when she came out of the bathroom she was out of breath and sweating?

You know...I think I'd rather risk flipping the switch.

Writing Exercises Pt.1

2009-03-30T09:33:00.004-05:00

I've joined a writers group. I'm very excited about it too. Here are some of the exercises I've done in the past week or so.

~*~

Exercise One
(Write about a time you hid from someone)

I hid for a long time. Right in plain sight. I built my walls so high, and fortified them to be so strong, that nobody was able to conquer them. Oh I laughed and smiled with the best of them, but that wasn't really me. That was the persona, the girl I put forth to reassure them that I was alive and well inside. But I wasn't. Always the life of the party, I didn't have any real friends to turn to. Even family was shut out. You see, I had been hurt. Hurt bad. I was determined to never let that happen again. So I built my fortified city. Slowly at first, in the quiet of the night by candlelight. I'd plot and build. I'd consider every angle. What was the weakest part, what would people see, what would be the best way to prevent it all from happening again. And slowly, gradually, the walls went up. Slow and sure, I callused my heart until it was so hard you couldn't really tell what it was to begin with. And I hid in my fortified city, in the enclaves of my body, for years. I would only come out of my fortified city during the late hours of the night, because raspberry tea would never judge me, candlelight could never hurt me. I would gaze up at the moon for hours in my long, purple skirt and black tank top, dreaming, always dreaming of a time and place where I could be truly free.

Exercise Two
(Create a poem using this line from Emily Dickenson: “Bring me the sunset in a cup”)

Bring me the sunset in a cup
Bathe me in the watercolors of the sky
Show me loves unfurling
Wider than the sky, deeper than the sea
And I'll show you how rays of sunlight
can crackle into a thousand pieces
of laughter across a lifetime

Bring me the sunset in a cup
Let me drink from the depths
Where water and sun kiss
Bring me the sunset in a cup
Let me know the warmth
of the sun deep within
Bring me the sunset in a cup
Let me see how far you'd traverse to
Show me the depths of your love

Bring me the sunset in a cup
Capture for me thunder in a jar
Pull rainbows down from the sky
Bring me the dust of the moon
Direct lightening to my door
Corral the wind into my garden
Perhaps then I might consider your love to be true.

Exercise Three
(List 10-20 rules you've broken)

I have used mayonnaise past it's expiration date.
I have driven twice the legal speed limit.
I have put “Air Dry Only” items in the dryer.
I have worn blue and black together.
I have drank alcohol before I was of age.
I have laughed loudly in church and at the library.
I have become friends with the socially inept.
I have gone months without shaving.
I have made cookies without butter.
I have worn too many colors and patterns at the same time.
I have worn sunglasses on cloudy days.
I have mixed the water and the rice together before boiling.
I have steeped my tea longer than a few minutes.
I have taken aspirin on an empty stomach and without milk.
I have given my dog chocolate.
I have washed my “lights” and “darks” together in hot water.
I have not gone to college.
I have not test driven any of the cars I've purchased.
I have sat too close to the TV.

Exercise Four
(Write a pure dialogue story. No description. Just dialogue.)

“Hello.”

“Hello.”
“Nice weather today, eh?”
“I hate small talk.”

“Stop it.”
“Why?”
“You know I hate it when you flaunt your intellect over me just because you were valedictorian 13 years ago.”
“I do? I thought you loved it, you know, it was part of my charm.”
“No, I'd say it's more a part of your lack of charm”
“Now that's a comeback.”
“I told you to stop it!”

“So....I've been thinking, about the other day, you know?”
“At the diner?”
“Yeah.”
(pause)
“Okay...”
“Well, I was just thinking that I think I might know what it is you're looking for out of life.”
“And it's taken you 5 days to get the courage to tell me??”
“Well, yeah, umm...do you know Jesus?”
“I've gotta go to work.”

“Okay bye.”

“So Tom told me about something Henry was saying about Gina at work the other day. I mean, I hate to be such a gossip, but apparently she's been seeing Dean from accounting.”
“You have got to be kidding me! Dean?!? I thought he was married?”
“I know, he is! That's just the thing though, supposedly his wife is pregnant by some guy she met at the salon she goes to, and get this, he's a hairdresser!”
“A hairdresser?!? And he's not gay??”
“Tell me about it, I guess Henry thinks he's using Dean's wife as some sort of decoy, you know, to hide the truth from his parents.”
“Oh my god. Is that ice clinking I hear?”“Sure is! I just made a fresh pitcher!”
“I'm on my way, this is too good, I need to know more! Do you need me to bring the limes?”

“Hello, did you find everything you needed okay?”
“Sure, sure, thanks”
“Can I interest you in some of these AA batteries? They're on sale.”
“No thanks.”
“Are you sure? AA batteries can really come in handy.”
“No really, I'm okay, just the ice cream.”
“Well alright, but AA batteries are one of those things you always think you have and then one day little johnny's fire engine stops flashing it's lights and when you go to get the AA batteries you realize, 'oops! I guess I should have bought those AA batteries when they were on sale and that nice cashier recommended them to me'”
“Look jerk, my wife is in the hospital, our baby just died, she barely made it out alive herself. All she wants is the freaking rocky road ice cream. Little johnny's lights went out about 14 hours ago. If you really want me to buy the damn batteries because you're getting some sort of incentive for how many packs of half-dead-on-sale batteries you can sell to idiots like me, then go ahead, ring me up. Because I couldn't give a flying flip about your stupid sales technique. Just give me my ice cream and let me get back to my deflated wife.”
“Uhh...that'll be $5.84, just the ice cream.”
“Thank you.”
“Well...have a nice day!”

“I'm thinking of piercing my nose.”
“You'd really do that?”
“Sure, except it's against the dress code at work.”
“Then what's to think about?”
“Hey, I'm not letting the man keep me down!”
“Well, okay, but when 'the man' fires you, who's going to be keeping you, ya know...not down?”
“I thought you were my friend.”

“I know it's only been a month, but I was thinking of asking Jim out to dinner.”
“Why? Why would you do that to me?”
“Well it's not like we've been that great of friends lately. I didn't think it'd be a big deal.”
“Oh it's a big deal alright! Ask him out and we won't be great friends or even acquaintances ever again. I mean come on! You've been my best friend ever since our mothers shared a room on the birthing floor of the hospital! Why would you be so insensitive to me? You know he's the first guy I've ever loved.”
“Alright.”
“I'm so glad you've seen my point, I don't know what I'd do without you, lets never grow apart ever again, okay?”
“Umm..I meant that as in 'alright I'll never talk to you again'.”

Exercise Five
(Use all of the following in a short poem: “as dense as London fog”; “a slice of solace”; “like oil and water”; “wound the clock”; “receding as you please”)

Searching for a slice of solace
in the midst of the mall.
People surround me,
as dense as London fog.
Clastrophobic's and the mall mix
about as well as oil and water.
I can feel the oxygen in my chest,
tight as a freshly wound clock.
If only this crowd was like the ocean
before the tide comes in--
receding as you please.

Exercise Six
(Write a 16 line poem, rhyming or non-rhyming, about a moment from your childhood that changed your life for the better)

Ten years old
purple 10 speed bike
hot pink, yellow and orange
noise makers on the wheels

Now they will see!
All those boys in the neighborhood
will know that a girl,
(a girl!) will be the fastest on her bike!

Here we go.
25th Avenue.
The only brick road left in town.
Everyone falls on this road.

Steady. Ready. GO!
Wind whips, sun blinds
legs burn, boys yell,
girl wins!!!

~*~

December 15, 2008

2008-12-15T12:19:00.000-06:00

Hmm...well, that didn't last long! I did manage to loose 22lbs in my month and a half of dieting, and I've maintained that even though I'm not doing what I need to be doing. My good friend Wendy and I have agreed to work out together 3 times a week for the entire month of January. We're going to have a competition of sorts to see who can lose 30lbs the fastest! I am very excited about that. For now, I'll just enjoy the holiday season for what it is and continue to try and watch portion sizes even though I'll still be enjoying homemade goodies.

On the non-weight part of my life, my brother is getting married to one of my best friends! Very exciting.

I'm going to attempt to post more regularly, even though I don't think anyone reads this. Ha!

Day 11

2008-07-06T22:36:00.002-05:00

7/6/08
Day 11

Breakfast

1 slice Whole Wheat bread--90 Calories
1 tbsp Peanut Butter--90 Calories
1 small Banana--90 Calories

Total--270 Calories

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Lunch

1 slice Whole Wheat bread--90 Calories
5 slices Carl Budding Honey Ham--43 Calories
1/2 slice Cheddar Cheese--55 Calories
1 tsp Mustard--5 Calories
Red Lettuce--0 Calories
3 oz Baby Carrots--35 Calories
1/2 Granny Smith Apple--36 Calories

Total--264 Calories

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Dinner

1 Totally Tuna Sandwich from Jimmy Johns--502 Calories
Diet Coke--0 Calories

Total--502

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Snack

1 Vanilla Ice Cream Cone from McDonalds--150 Calories

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Daily Total--1186 Calories

The Land of the Free and the Home of the Brave

2008-07-04T22:53:00.005-05:00

7/4/08-Day 9

Happy 4th of July!!!!

The 4th of July is BY FAR my favorite holiday! It always has been, it's kinda deal in my family. I decided that I wouldn't actually count my calories today, just keep an eye on my portion sizes and eat sensible things. I probably didn't do nearly as bad as I'm thinking I did. Probably about 1500 calories would be my guess, which all in all, isn't bad!

I am completely exhausted though. Spent the whole day with Lisa! We went to a cookout at my "second family's" home, you know, the people who aren't your actual family but you grew up with and they're your second family. Anyways...we went there this afternoon and got nice and tan in the gorgeous, perfectg 74 degree weather! Then we went to the Prime Outlet Mall to go to Vitamin World because we heard that if you take B Vitamins the mosquito's won't bite you because to them you'll smell bad. It actually worked! Then we went to my Aunt Linda's house where my entire family was, along with some of the extended family, which is always nice! And after we had the cookout there, we were finally off to the fireworks!

I absolutely LOVE the fireworks!

So now it's off to beddy-bye because I have to work at 7:15 in the morning...but only until noon, so that's nice. :)

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Oh, say can you see
by the dawn's early light
what so proudly we hailed
at the twilight's last gleaming?
Whose broad stripes and bright stars
thru the perilous fight,
o'er the ramparts we watched
were so gallantly streaming?
And the rocket's red glare,
the bombs bursting in air,
gave proof through the night
that our flag was still there.
Oh, say does that star-spangled banner yet wave
o'er the land of the free and the home of the brave?

7/3/08-Day 8

2008-07-03T18:28:00.002-05:00

Breakfast

1 slice Whole Wheat bread--120 Calories
1 Tbsp Peanut Butter--81

Total--201

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Lunch

1 slice Whole Wheat bread--120 Calories
5 slices Carl Budding Honey Ham--43 Calories
1/2 slice Cheddar Cheese--55 Calories
1 teaspoon Dijon Mustard--5 Calories
7 Baby Carrots--18 Calories
1/2 cup canned Peaches--55 Calories
1 White Chocolate Rasperry Yogurt--100 Calories

Total--396

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Oops...didn't mean to have that many calories for lunch...

6/30/08-Day 5

2008-07-03T18:25:00.003-05:00

This is an email I wrote to Gary Rudd about this whole weight loss thing...

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Hi Gary!

Yesterday was my first day in with the teaching because I've been in the nursery. Ironically enough, if there is such a thing serving a God like ours, God's been really uprooting a massive thing in my life.

About three months ago I was praising and thanking God for all the changes he's made and is continuing to make in the finance area of my life. I was saying how great it is even though it's been a somewhat grueling process. Then I said, "I'm excited to see what you're going to uproot in me next! What ARE you planning for the next season of my life?" Even as I said it, I was sorta saying in my head "SHUT UP!" hahaha And of course, because he's faithful and just and because He's committed to me and my maturing, He just sorta said it.

He told me that He is jealous for my attention and that I've been giving it to something else. That I claim that He's the Lover of my soul and my all in all, but I've been having an affair with food. He told me that He loves me and He will work through it with me and that He simply wants me to run to Him first. I just sort of sat that wide eyed. How could I have not seen this coming? After all, He was right. When I'm happy, I don't praise him first, I eat. When I'm sad, I don't run to him first, I eat. When I'm lonely, confused, excited, thrilled with life, when I'm anything, I don't go first to Him, I go to food.

Now...this is HUGE for me. I cried my eyes out for about a week. I had been having a love affair with someone other than my Husband. How could I have been so blind? I was wretched. It took me a while to come to grips with this. Every time I felt Him coming near to love and comfort me, I pulled away a little thinking things like, "How? Why do you still love me the same? I've given myself to another?" It was a big deal and I didn't deal with it very well for a while. I found myself doing the same things, I was so ashamed, so I was eating. I was embarassed, so I was eating. I was upset with myself, annoyed at my pride, so I was eating.

A few weeks ago a light sort of went off in my head. He asked me why I keep condemning myself for things he's already forgotten. Yeah, He got me on that one! So I started trying to eat better. I still hadn't told ANYONE anything about any of this because I felt so ashamed, stupid and prideful. Last week I decided that this is ridiculous and not a biblical way of dealing with anything! I went and saw my doctor. I told him that I need to loose weight and I need help. He "prescribed" me a 1200 calorie a day diet and an hour of exercise every day. I told him that was a little steep, wasn't it? I mean what happened to 1/2 hour three times a week??? He said that if I'm really serious, this is what I needed to do, and that as my doctor he's telling me that this is what I NEED to do. He then went over all the health issues that would happen if I stayed where I'm at. He was actually SUPER encouraging!

So when I went home, I right away told Luke & Heather about it. I was still kind of embarassed about it, but once I said it they were SO supportive of me and started telling me how they've noticed it and have been praying for me in it already! Well after that, I've been telling everyone! Even all my coworkers know!

It's only Day 5, but I know it's different this time around. I feel completely graced in this. My view and motivation are different. I'm not trying to "look good" or "get healthy" per se, I just want to glorify God in EVERY area of my life. Even the ones that can seem subtle. I feel like my love affair with the Lord is in the begining stages again, the giddy goofiness of first love! Every day I feel stronger. I know that there will be rough spots, but I know who I'm going to run to this time! I feel in control, well, as in control as a heart submitted can feel! I am ruling and reigning over my body, and it feels great. And when I say it feels great, I don't mean just physically, although it does feel good in my body too, but it just feels great in my soul.

Love,
Sarah

6/29/08-Day 4

2008-07-03T18:23:00.002-05:00

Breakfast

1 slice Whole Wheat Bread--100 Calories
1 Tbsp Peanut Butter--81 Calories1 small Banana--90 Calories

Total--271

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Lunch

1 Hamburger Bun--110 Calories
4 oz Hamburger--191 Calories
1/2 cup Carrots--25 Calories
1 Tbsp Salsa--4 Calories
1 Cup Watermelon--46 Calories

Total--376

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Snack

1 Grande Americano--15 Calories
4 pumps Caramel Syrup--20 Calories
2 tbsp Nonfat Milk--22 Calories

Total--57 Calories

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Dinner

6 inch Sweet Onion Teryaki Chicken sub on Whole Wheat bread--370 Calories
1 packet Apple Slices--35 Calories

Total--405 Calories

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Other

1 can Vernor's Ginger Ale--150 Calories

Daily Total--1259 Calories

All in all, not a bad day! Especially considering that I went to a cookout with lots of delicious and forbidden things to eat!

6/28/08-Day 3

2008-07-03T18:19:00.003-05:00

Breakfast

3/4 cup Honey Nut Cheerios w/ 1/2 cup Skim Milk--150 Calories
1 small (6 in.) Banana--90 Calories

Total--240 Calories

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Breakfast was a bit of a joke. Have you ever actually measured out the serving size of cereal as posted on the box??? I hadn't either, and let me tell you, it's not much AT ALL. I could actually feel my eyes bulging from my head. I double checked the measuring cup, maybe I'd used the wrong one? Nope. 3/4 a cup of cereal and my bowl wasn't even a quarter full! Absolutely ridiculous!!! I should maybe look into buying smaller bowls...

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Well, it's 11:16am. Luke and Heather just left with the boys to go to the mall and on a picnic. I'm already thinking things like, "Nobody but me knows about that pack of Reese's Pieces I have in my room...I think I might have a package of Mini Charleston Chews too". Man, I knew it would be rough on days off, not being distracted by work and all, but ALREADY??? I'm sore from going out with the girls line dancing last night, I have a headache from that disgusting light beer I had, and I definitely don't feel like doing an hour of exercise right now...oh man...

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Lunch

1 slice Whole Wheat Bread--100 Calories
1/4 cup Tuna--60 calories
1 tsp. Mayo--25 Calories
1 tsp. Dijon Mustard--15 Calories
1/2 cup Applesauce w/ Cinnamon--50 Calories
1/2 cup peaches in light syrup--50 Calories
1 Weight Watchers Strawberry Yogurt--100 Calories

Total--400 Calories

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Snack

27 Goldfish Crackers--70 Calories
10 Grapes--30 Calories

Total--100 Calories

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Dinner

1 Red Bell Pepper--43 Calories
1 cup Orzo Pasta--176 Calories
1/4 cup canned Tomatoes--22 Calories
1 Tablespoon Parmesan Cheese--11 Calories
1 Teaspoon Olive Oil--40 Calories

Total--292

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Snack

1/2 cup plain air popped Popcorn--15 Calories

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Total For Day 3--1047 Calories

Exercise--1 hour of gardening, which I used as a trick to get exersize when I really didn't want to "exercise" (digging up weeds, hand tilling the dirt, planting lettuce, water all plants in yard)

All in all, Day 3 was huge success! Especially considering that I was home all day, part of it alone, and the other part with Lisa, who kept saying things like, "I could REALLY go for McDonalds right now" and "Man, I'd REALLY like some candy right now". The most annoying part of it to me wasn't that she was saying those things, but that she regularly eats those things and is still super small. I'm talking size small shirts and size 4/6 pants. WHY?!?!?!?! So not fair...

6/27/08-Day 2

2008-07-03T18:12:00.004-05:00

Email from Luke

RE: Stay Strong!

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how's it going? -Luke

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Good! I wasn't too hungry before my lunch, I mean, I WAS hungry but not like yesterday. And it helped that my lunch was at 11 instead of 12. An old coworker from Seiko, who I go to lunch with occasionally, emailed me to see if I wanted to go to The Wurst. I told her I couldn't and about the diet, so then she said what about Subway? So we went to Subway. I got a nutritional information thing and had a really good sub on wheat bread for only 400 calories! And they have apple slices and low-fat yogurt there too, so I got those instead of chips and a soda. And I brought my water bottle. I'm impressed! AND I HAVEN'T HAD ONE COOKIE!!!!

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lol, no cookie, eh? okay, so, just the sandwich was 400 calories? so then you add in the apple and yogurt, that's over 400 calories. so that's over a third of your calories for the day, right?

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So far today I've had 772 calories. That leaves 428 .

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Yay! A nice dinner!

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I've already been thinking about dinner. I'm going to have 1 sweet potato baked, 1 cup of green beans steamed, and ½ a chicken breast on the grill. I'll use 2 teaspoons of butter, one on the potato and one on the beans. I'm going out tonight for Shirley Grogan's birthday! She's invited a bunch of girls all out to the Sundance Saloon in Waukegan to go line dancing! HAHAHA I'm really excited though! So if I eat that for dinner, I can have two bottles of light beer and my total calorie count will be 1240 for the day. And I'm counting dancing as my exercise! YAY!!!

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Cool!!! Sounds like fun! :) When you get hungry and your stomach's growling, tell your stomach that she better quit whining and SHUT UP. Tell her that she'll get her food when you say she'll get her food!

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lol

6/26/08-Day 1

2008-07-03T12:52:00.004-05:00

Below are emails exchanged between my good friend Molly and my brother Luke. Let's start with Molly...

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anything interesting going on over there? -Molly

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Well let's see...I went to the doctor yesterday to talk about weight loss. Now I'm supposed to exercise one hour every day and he put me on a 1200 calorie a day "diet". Print outs with menus and everything...so we'll see how that goes. -Sarah

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thats really cool, Sarah. Do you have anyone to help you with it?

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Well, my Luke and Heather...they've been wanting to ride their bikes, so we're going to start every night. They'll alternate and I'll go every time. And I told all my coworkers to keep me accountable at work. Friday's will be especially hard, at least this week, because every Friday we make cookies and it smells up the place SO GOOD!!!!!!! But no cookies for me anymore! And only black coffee! Which I used to only drink black coffee and then when I quit smoking I had to add creamer and sugar, so back to black for me! I'm starving...All I had for breakfast was a piece of whole wheat toast with a tablespoon of peanut butter and HALF a banana, I can't even have a whole banana!!! LOL, it's good though. I just hate feeling hungry, so it's going to be an adjustment. Luke told me that he feels hungry pretty much all the time, oh man, I don't know how he does that! I got to work at 7:45 and by 8:20 my stomach was already growling!!!

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I always an more embarassed by the sound my stomach makes then the feeling of being hungry. I kinda like feeling hungry. You can do it Sarah, let me know if you want to work out together!

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Okay! An hour every day seems fairly extreme to me. The doctor said I need to do AT LEAST an hour 5 days a week, but he's telling me every day so I'll hopefully hit the 5 days mark, hahahaha. He knows me well! He said I can break it up too, so on my lunch after I eat, or maybe even before, I'm going to go for a 15 minute walk. I meant to go for 15 minutes this morning too, but that didn't happen. Tonight I'm going to do the rest. I figure if I can do 15 before work, 15 on lunch and 30 at night, that doesn't seem impossible! So walk, walk, ride a bike. That's the plan...right after I get my bike from Julia's house, lol

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you should walk to work...

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Yeah right...that's so far! Besides, it's on Green Bay Road! Although I suppose I could take Pershing...but then I'd be all sweaty and gross...

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thats why you leave extra early so that you can clean up a bit at work!

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Sick man...I'll have to think about that one. I'll at least have to wait until my stamina get's built up...

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Oh man...lunch was rough...I was actually starting to feel pretty lightheaded when I FINALLY got to go eat my Unwich. I ate that thing like I've never had food before! It was gone so fast. As I sat back in my chair to enjoy the "ahhh" feeling of being full...MY FREAKING STOMACH GROWLED SUPER LOUD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That was really hard...sitting there STARVING like that after I had just inhaled a "sandwich". So I decided I DEFINITELY needed to go get an apple, maybe some carrots too. I drove past your work, debated calling, but decided I needed food more than I needed to talk to you, lol. Pick n Save up on 18th has a fruit bar! Who knew?!??! So I filled up a container with watermelon, cantaloupe, pineapple and strawberries, I'm guessing it was about 2 cups of fruit. As I drove back to work I ate like a mad woman! I only ate about 1 cup though, the rest I'm saving for my "snack" about 3:30 or so. When I got back to the office I still had about 15 minutes left on my break. So, I decided to get in ¼ of my exercise time. I ran up and down the back stairwell until I could hardly breathe and then I walked laps in the lower level (which is empty except for training rooms, but nobody was training). Now I feel like I could go for a nap...hahaha...maybe another cup of black coffee???

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Sarah I think you should keep a diary of your weight loss experience. Write just like you wrote to me and then publish it! You would sells billions of it. Make it like a devotional book. One little "Sarah" excerpt a day.

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I've actually thought about that! It'd be super easy on my laptop every night before bed, just write a little excerpt. Hahaha!!!!! Tonight I'm going to be measuring body parts, like my waist, hips, bust, thighs, upper arms, neck...I definitely think that journaling about it will be good and tracking everything will help too. So in one month when I feel like nothings changing I can measure again and say "NOT TRUE! I LOST ___ INCHES!!!"

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you go girl!

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And now on to Luke's...

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Just thought I'd give you an update...I measured the peanut butter I put on my whole wheat bread this morning, only 1 tablespoon, and I only had half a banana instead of a whole one. I got to work at 7:45 and by 8:20 my stomach was growling already, oh man! I've already had 32oz of water and two very small cups of black coffee.

I already feel super proud of myself because last week was my coworkers birthday and she's been on vacation until today, so today my boss is buying everyone lunch from wherever she wanted to eat. She picked Jimmy John's. I'm still going to eat from there, but I'm getting the Unwich, which is a sandwich with no bread, it's a lettuce wrap thing. I got baked turkey, no mayo, Dijon mustard instead and ALL the veggies. My lunch is at noon...I tell you what I've never been so excited to eat a lettuce wrap!!!!! Did I mention I'M STARVING?!?!?!?!?! No chips or anything either, I'm thinking of going to the store and getting an apple or something, we'll see.

I'm doing it! And I told all my coworkers about it so that they can keep me accountable too. Every Friday we bake cookies for our customers here and the place smells so dang good and I usually eat a ton of them, so tomorrow will be kind of hard I think, but I've already told them all to keep me away from the cookies! And I told them if the see me putting cream or sugar in my coffee to tell me to stop it and drink it black. They're all excited for me and I think I'm actually motivating some of them to think about what they eat! -Sarah

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That's great Sarah! I know the feeling hungry thing stinks, but just think about how when you're hungry and there's no food in your stomach, your body draws from the fat deposits in itself, so you get skinnier! I'm hungry right now too. All I've eaten so far today is a SMALL bowl of cereal, about 6 oz. of grape juice, a 12 oz cup of coffee, and water. YOU CAN DO IT! And yeah, STAY AWAY FROM THOSE DAMN COOKIES!!!!!!!!!!!!! -Luke

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These two seriously email me every day at work to see how I'm doing. And I'm so grateful for it!!!

The Day Before The Begining

2008-07-02T23:10:00.000-05:00

On 6/25/08 I went to see my family doctor. He'd been on me for years telling me I need to loose weight and/or I need to maintain it once it was lost. So when I strolled into his office and told him I was there because I need help, you could almost see the shock run down his face! He "prescribed" me a 1200 calorie a day diet and gave me 2 weeks worth of sample menus, breakfast, lunch, snack and dinner. He also "prescribed" me an hour of exercise every day. I responded with, "Every day??? Isn't that a little excessive??? What happened to 1/2 an hour 3 times a week??" He said that if I was serious I needed to do an hour a day. He also said that as my doctor this wasn't a suggestion, it was an "order". Hmm... He then took my blood to make sure I'm not diabetic or have high cholesterol or the like, which reminds me...I need to call him and get the results. Although if it was bad, I'm sure I'd have heard by now, right?

The Back Story

2008-07-02T22:57:00.000-05:00

I haven't always been fat. I had a normal and very active childhood. After quite a few crushing, back to back life changing events, I packed on the pounds. I caught myself though before it got too out of hand, and lost about 60lbs and was back to 130lbs. A few years later I regained the weight, plus some for a grand total of 210lbs. Again, I lost the majority of it and got back to 150lbs. Well...needless to say, I've found it all plus some once more. My peak weight is 258lbs, and I've been like that for approximately 3 years now. I should probably mention that I'm 5'4", so that means my "ideal" weight range is 125-140. So...I'd like to get back to the norm! I need to loose 119lbs to hit the high end of the ideal range, so I figure why not just round it up to 120? After all, what's one more pound when you've already got such a huge goal?

So why's it different this time around? I mean, after gaining so much weight for the third time one might wonder why even bother trying to loose it again. Well, it IS different this time. I've decided that it's ridiculous for food to run my life. I would much rather be in control, thank you very much! So I'm taking it back. All of it. I'm going to discipline this body, beat it, if you will, until it becomes my slave and does what I ask. Harsh words, but all true!